That it’s okay not to feel like myself yet! Even at 2-3 months postpartum. My well meaning husband kept encourage me to exercise (to feel better), and I just wasn’t ready…and that’s okay and normal.

It is okay to trust yourself. It’s also okay to change your mind. Information and research should empower you. If you find it is leaving you breathless with anxiety. Take a minute to sink into your feelings and acknowledge your needs, your thoughts, your feelings. Your journey and your little one are unique. It won’t, it can’t, look like anyone else’s.

Your mental health is important. It took me much longer than it should have to start therapy postpartum, and I suffered in silence needlessly for months. Even if you don’t think you have PPD, therapy can still be very beneficial.

The other piece of advice that I wish I had gotten sooner was, instead of “sleep when the baby sleeps”, is utilize your partner or another caregiver more. Pick one of the baby’s naps each day, and assign any to do items you have to your partner to complete, so that you can genuinely rest. This is especially important if you’re breastfeeding because it can be hard to get a true break otherwise.

“You never have to do any of this again”

I think this was akin to hearing “this too shall pass” but even more relieving, since the thought of going through it all again for a second baby was always nagging me. Childbirth and recovery was physically very hard for me, and felt truly endless and scary. Hearing that phrase helped me appreciate that it really is temporary.

Hearing “this just sucks right now” and “it is what it is” were ironically pretty helpful. Just acknowledgment that the time period was difficult and I was allowed to be “crazy” or allowed to be a bitch was pretty powerful. It’s all about surviving in that first few months.

That every single timeline given to you — you’re healed at 6 weeks, you can return to work at 3 months — is false. That you will be healed at 7 months, that you will return to work at 15 months, and anything sooner is insane. They’re crazy, not you ❤️

I needed to be told I could be doing things differently, and that I wouldn’t be harming my baby. I needed an anti-depressant, and probably to consider formula. But I thought if I was able to breastfeed I needed to, and that taking zoloft while breastfeeding would hurt my baby. I missed out on a lot of enjoyment because of that.

“You’re doing the impossible and you’re doing it better than you think.”

At some point, this time is going to feel like just a blip in your long life, BUT that is not what it feels like now. It is so hard to have perspective while you are recovering, sleep deprived and overwhelmed. It doesn’t *feel* like you will ever feel normal again, but I promise you will. Now, where is a load of laundry I can do for you?

Along the lines of “this too shall pass,” “everything is a phase, the good things and all the bad things.” It helped me have gratitude and be present in the good moments and breathe through the hard ones until the next phase arrived. Also, “trust your instincts. No one knows how to parent that little one better than you.” That built a lot of confidence for me as a first time mom of twins.

This is so hard. A dear friend who lives across the country and I had a phone date when I was about 6 weeks postpartum. She is a Mom of 2 and was open, honest and kind with me and said ‘this is so hard’ and I probably cried for 5 minutes and then she told me to have a snack. I felt like I had to try to do everything perfect and didn’t feel like I could admit that everything felt hard. Also, if at first you don’t succeed at breastfeeding you can switch to formula, and you don’t have to spend thousands of dollars on lactation consultants, fenugreek and nipple shields if it doesn’t feel right for you. Bottles saved me from going deeper into debt and feeling like a failure.

I wish more people encouraged me to put myself first. Everything is so focused on the baby that at times you can lose your sense of self and overall happiness because of all the demands (hormones, sleep deprivation and other things of course). So put your needs above others and do what works for YOU. Forget the “mom guilt” and do something for you because when you’re taking care of yourself, you’re also taking care of your family. ❤️

One other thing- your “instincts” develop over time. In fact, what a lot of people think of as instincts are just hard-earned knowledge. Absolutely no one knows what to do immediately. You will figure out who your go-to people are but in the meantime, accept that there is a learning curve.

I wish instead of “this will pass” or “you’ll get through this” someone had said “you just blew up your life, and now you get to rebuild it however you want.” I had a really traumatic pregnancy and birth that had significant mental and physical impacts for a long time, over a year. One of the hardest things for me was coming to terms with the fact that there was truly no going back to the before – once I “got through” all the tough stuff, life wasn’t going to be like it was before, just with an added person around. This was a totally new life. New body, new feelings, new routines, new responsibilities, new demands, but also lots of new possibilities and options. It was terrifying having to rebuild my whole world but also it was an opportunity to reflect on what I wanted to add in to the new world or leave out of it. Once I realized that, the process felt scary but empowering, rather than just overwhelming. “You’ll get through this” or “this too shall pass” made it feel like I was just waiting for things to happen to me. Feeling like I was building something new for myself and my family made me feel powerful.

“It’s okay to let them cry.” My sister told me this when six weeks in my husband had to quarantine from us because he freakishly managed to get covid while grocery shopping wearing a mask. I needed to hear it regardless, and I needed to hear it from another mom. My sweet husband told me it was okay for my baby to cry while I used the bathroom, but hearing it from a mom of small children is what really drove it home for me. My sister actually said she wished she had just let them cry more when she needed a minute because they won’t remember it. My pediatrician also told us that it’s better for a baby to cry themselves to sleep than be in the arms of a frustrated parent. So, when you can’t get your baby to calm down/sleep, and you yourself are inevitably in tears and questioning why the hell you decided to have a baby, just put the baby down for a few minutes. You and the baby will both do much better after even a 2-minute run of crying separately rather than together.

I certainly have not listened to this advice but hope I will in the future: try not to be too precious about breastfeeding (if you’re doing it). Throw in some formula bottles just to “break the seal.” Keeps it from feeling like this huge all or nothing option!

“This IS really, really hard and there’s not enough support for postpartum parents in modern America. You are not somehow weak or lacking abilities that other new parents have. It’s just HARD, and it takes a long time to figure things out and adjust to this new life. Remember that every human has their limits and needs and honor yours. You are doing great, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”

My sister-in-law was so supportive and encouraging about every parenting choice we made. She was always saying, “you’re doing great!” and making positive comments about how awesome our kid is. Really meant the world to me to hear that from a mom of two preteens.

You are capable of so much more than you know. AND, take folks up as they offer help. Be specific about your needs–folks want to help but do not know what is actually helpful.

I was under the impression that there was one right way to make your baby a good sleeper and became a slave to the nap schedule. I wish someone had told me that some babies are just lower sleep needs than others or that with time, he’d consolidate his short naps into one longer one, so that a 30 minute nap didn’t completely ruin my day.

Find one person that you can be completely honest with that is not you partner. One person that can just be your emotional dump. Make sure they are stable enough to be able to hold all of that emotion but having someone who just hears it all is a lifesaver. The good, the bad, the ugly with (hopefully) no judgement or shame. I made sure they were ok with it before I gave birth and we all knew it was temporary. I did the same when they were going through something rough.

This is the time to be selfish! My LC told me “you are the only one who matters”, but it was hard to let go of guilt surrounding letting family visit or letting my partner have self-care time. I struggled with how to tell visitors to leave, delegating helpful tasks and actually prioritizing myself. I also needed to hear I was doing a good job and that my baby loved me. It’s very hard in that first month to feel like your baby truly does love you between the crying, feeding and sleeping.

I will never tell a new parent “just wait til ____!” This was such a pet peeve for me starting in pregnancy when I had terrible pregnancy insomnia with my first (“Just wait til the baby comes!”) and there’s some version of this at every stage of parenting and it seems like EVERYONE wants to remind you to “just wait, it gets worse!”. Totally de-validates what you’re feeling in that moment. Whenever I’m talking to a seemingly struggling new parent I try to flip that comment on its head…”Yes, this stage IS so hard. Just wait til they start walking and then you won’t have to carry them everywhere!” Etc.

Also, I think we take things to an extreme these days with the “no pressure” parenting approach that it actually has the opposite effect! Everyone telling me “don’t worry about putting your baby on a schedule, just go with the flow!” ironically put *more* pressure on me to feel like I should be more laid back than I was feeling. Once I stopped taking that advice and actually TRIED to put my baby on a schedule for my own sanity, baby and I were so much happier. Now I tell new parents, “do what works best for you and your baby”.

Postpartum anxiety is real. Get help soon rather than suffer through. Also

Every kid is different. Every family is different. There really isn’t a best way to do any of it.

I also recommend sleep training if you can. Minimizing the parent wakeups is nice, but speaking as a parent who has a kid with complex medical issues, it has been endlessly valuable in helping us know when things are wrong and gaining enough credibility to get someone to really help the poor kid out.

“It’s okay to miss your old life.”
I gave birth during peak COVID time in 2020, and had a very isolating birth experience followed by having to move to another state and start a new job a shortly after giving birth. All of those changes at once made for a much more lonely start to motherhood and than I had planned, and I wished someone told me that it was okay to grieve my old life and that it is okay if it takes you a while to feel like you again (whoever the new version of you might be).

You don’t need validation for every decision you make. You are a good parent and you are doing your best for your family.

I remember feeling like breastfeeding wasn’t for me and internally begging someone to tell me it was ok. In other instances, I would scour the Internet for THE CORRECT answer to the issue plaguing us that day, not wanting to make any wrong decisions. I wish I had been able to let some of that go and recognize there is no “one right way” in parenting. I hope this goes out to someone who needs to hear it ❤️

For everything you feel you’re failing at now (transitioning back to work, caring for older kids, just making it through the day), you’ll look back a year from now and not understand how you could have possibly done so superhumanly amazing under the circumstances. This moment is just hard. Anything you’re managing to do at all is incredible.

All I wanted was someone to say, “you’re doing a good job.” I didn’t need the constant suggestions or recommendations or advice – that def was helpful from my curated crew! I mostly just needed reassurance that someone saw that I was struggling, that I was doing my best and acknowledge all of it.

Oh my gosh, so many things…. Probably biggest ones would be:
– “If you’re feeling crazy about your baby, it’s because we’re programmed to be crazy about protecting our babies”. I felt so much rage at anyone who would handle my baby differently and even to my husband. Hormones.
– “You’re not doing anything wrong.” I struggled with sleep, 15 min naps, spit up, and just constantly felt that dispute doing “everything the books told me” that I was just doing it wrong. Learned with my second that every baby is just different!
– “Just because you don’t “love” your baby yet doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby”. This one brings tears to my eyes do write because it was so, so hard with my first – I did not feel a connection for a long time. I even questioned becoming a mom. At about a year, after wrapping up breastfeeding- our connection was finally there. So much love. With my second, I had a quick and easy birth, it was instant. It made me realize that my traumatic first labor experience was to blame, not me. Give yourself some grace. Taking care of your baby means you love your baby! It will come.
– and lastly, on that note – “Just because your birth wasn’t as traumatic as someone else’s, doesn’t mean it was traumatic for you. Your trauma is YOUR trauma.” That one came from my therapist… I came to realize that because my birth wasn’t “that” traumatic (baby was ok and didn’t require NICU, I was able to deliver vaginally, I didn’t require surgery, etc) – didn’t mean it wasn’t so traumatic for me. I’d never broken a bone let alone been admitted to a hospital. My epidural didn’t work. I had back labor. I was in labor for almost 40 hours. His heart rate dropped multiple times. It was TERRIFYING and more painful than I ever thought possible. It wasn’t what I planned. That’s trauma – and receiving no recovery time alone because you have a baby almost broke me. Do the therapy, process the emotions, and get help to physically recover. And most importantly down downplay your experience because someone else had a “worse” one.

I needed to hear: go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself, you don’t have to be tough or do it all, it’s ok. Also, take really long showers, get some shower steamers even and enjoy the quiet alone time. If it feels good, let other people hold the baby for as long as the baby is happy and enjoy time as your own person. You have plenty of time when baby will only want you to hold them. Let people handle when baby fusses and tell you when they need help, baby may surprise you and calm down. My babies were always very clingy in the witching hour, so find ways to be prepared for the 5 to 9 pm time period. I started to get ready for bed, pajamas, face wash, skin care, etc. at 5 every night, and then once baby became fussy or wanted to cluster feed, I just settled in and watched some good shows, drank tea, ate snacks, or read a good book and tried my best to relax into it, setting the expectation with my partner that for a while the evening was going to be harder and I would be on first for baby duty and nothing else and he would be on first for home and toddler duty. Then when baby settled for the night I could go right to sleep. This helped me take so much pressure off myself and I wished I had figured it out sooner.

I need to hear that it was not the epidural or interventions I had in labor that created my breastfeeding issues. I needed to hear that breastfeeding doesn’t come naturally to the mom or baby. I needed to hear that it was not my fault that my baby wasn’t latching well. I needed to hear that it’s ok to not have everything natural, it’s ok to get the epidural, it’s ok to give the baby formula. I needed to hear that I didn’t fail.

You will fill like yourself again.

I wanted to hear “I took care of ____.” So reassuring to know that person (family, friend, partner, etc) just knew to do it and get it done. Not ask what needed to be done, or not even say “I’m going to do___” (to reduce my overthinking, micromanaging or additional requests on top of it)
I had babies after most of my friends and family, and actually what was helpful to me was hearing things like “what worked for me was_____.” Reassuring that many moms struggle with similar things and that there is no one answer but by hearing how others found solutions was always so helpful.
A friend once told me while I was still pregnant to remember that every stage is temporary. That has helped me overcome challenging days, hours, weeks, months. Things will always be changing.
Also “there’s a surprise at your front door” lol. I didn’t want the pressure of visitors right away but still appreciated thoughtful things whether food delivered or gifts or groceries. When someone could offer something but not “have to see the baby!” I felt so calm and appreciative.

That is will be so hard, but the way it will be hard for you is unknown and may surprise you / be totally different from others or from a prior birth experience of your own.
Just heard about the term “matrescense” like adolescence and it resonates hard – no one expects adolescence to be easy, why would we think becoming a parent would be?

I had / have (still in it!) bad PPA with both my kids but it manifested totally differently both times, causing stress and confusion when I thought I was adequately prepared after my first.
Also, with both, I was incredibly hermitty the first 8 weeks (I’m normally very social) – I wish someone would have told me it’s okay to not want anyone near my baby but me and my spouse. Prob due to first baby born during lockdown in early April 2020, but I felt so guilty making excuses for people to NOT come over to help. I dreamed of other cultures where mom and baby are locked in their own room and people bring food and clean and take care of them, but we’re otherwise in our own little cocoon, not having to participate in normal life.

Also, I truly don’t think the “new normal” happens until Baby is 1 year old and don’t expect myself to participate in life “normally” until then

It feels hard because it IS hard, not because you’re doing something wrong.

I wish I’d been told “whatever you need” and given the space and emotional freedom to advocate for myself and my new baby without any repercussions.

Shoutout to my OBGYN who, when I was trying to avoid stronger pain medication after a c-section, did say, “you’re going home in a few days either way and there’s no trophy for the moms who don’t take the medicine. So why not make yourself a little more comfortable?”

This is hard. For everyone, no matter the size of their village. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking there isn’t something about this process that is hard for them.

Two things to know that were helpful to me.
My sister reminded me that babies change so often. If you’re currently in the weeds with one thing, it will be over soon and on to the new thing. The good and bad. Do t get stuck thinking this is a forever thing. Even two days later, something they’re doing might not be a thing anymore.

And I loved telling and reminding myself that no one knows your baby better than you. Hearing advice can be so powerful, but not all babies are the same. What worked for one might not work for another. You know best! Trust that momma instinct!

No feeling is final. Take care of yourself in small ways- a fresh pair of sweatpants, a walk to the mailbox, a coffee in bed. And know know know that you are not alone, everyone goes through this and has their own struggles. Those pretty babes on insta with their quiet suckling baby also deal with poop up the back and mastitis. It all gets better.

1. I needed to know I wasn’t alone in my struggles (especially breastfeeding), and I needed to know what I was experiencing was normal (especially baby sleep!). I also needed to hear success stories from people with similar breastfeeding challenges (mainly, inverted nipples).
2. I needed people to check in on me and see how I was doing. I loved getting those check-in texts in the early days/weeks.
3. I needed to know that it was normal not to feel like myself and that I would develop a new normal for myself, that was a combination of my old self and my new mom self.

This wasn’t even intended as advice, just something said to me off hand by a friend that I now always pass on:

The first four months are pure survival mode. Just do what it takes to survive and don’t worry about getting it all “right” (whatever the heck that means).

It’s okay to not be grateful for every moment. It’s really hard and I felt bad for not being “in the moment” or “enjoying my baby while they are little” every second of postpartum. I needed to hear it during pregnancy too. I had an ultrasound tech share that with me when I was having a hard hormone day during an appointment. It really helped.

Currently 6 weeks post partum. And even though it’s my 3rd and I know we will adjust and it will get easier. All of the words below from fellow mamas are so refreshing and encouraging, and just what I need right now. So thank you.

About 3 months after giving birth to my daughter, my dear friend who gave birth 3 weeks before me told me that she and her husband got “back in the saddle.” I was delighted for her, but acutely aware that my own body felt nowhere near ready for that. I still felt… “injured.”

It turns out I was. I went back for another postpartum follow-up with my doctor, and she diagnosed me with a pelvic organ prolapse – a cystocele and rectocele. Since then, it has been a challenging journey, including pelvic floor physical therapy, pessaries, a surgical repair, and ultimately an acceptance and “reclaiming” of a new body that I was not expecting.

I am grateful to ParentData for the open conversation about POPs and pelvic floor health. If you are a few months from giving birth and still not feeling like you are healing, I encourage you to seek out information and help. Unlike the kind of “non-discussion” of these topics in previous generations, the information and help is out there!

When my second was about 2.5 months and in the thick of the first fussy stage, I was feeling a little overwhelmed. I was talking to a mom of 4 who told me her toughest transition was from 1 to 2. This made me feel better. You go from one being the sole focus of your attention to two. And two under 2 crying at the same time feels like a lot. The second is now 5 months and things feel much easier. I’m so thankful for that mom validating my feelings at the time!

I think it’s also important what is important NOT to hear postpartum. Here is a list of things that really were not helpful to me postpartum:
1) sitting next to me (esp while I was breastfeeding my newborn) and chatting up a storm. New parents need rest and more peace and quiet because they are exhausted. If you’re at their house to help with the newborn, notice their cues that they don’t want to sit and gab, and give a new mom space to recover emotionally and physically. She probably just wants to read, watch tv, sleep, or dump the baby on you and leave.
2) Don’t talk so much about your own experience. Focus on being supportive of what they are going through now. If they need to cry or are upset, be a listener instead of offering advice or trying to cheer them up. And no, they don’t want to hear your birth story on repeat.
3) absolutely don’t mention anything about their body. A postpartum body needs time to recover, and in general people tend to be frustrated at how slowly things take to go back to normal. Don’t add to the frustration.

The best words to say are that they are doing amazing! And “how can I help?”, and “do you want to leave the baby with me and go somewhere?”

About 3 months post partum, I was having terrible intrusive thoughts. Like ones you read about & imagine that could never happen to you as a mom. My husband could tell I was struggling, and shared a scary recurring intrusive thought he had with me and said “don’t worry, I have them too and it will never happen to him.” I thought it was just me and I was a monster! It was such a relief to know I wasn’t alone and such a relief to say it out loud without shame.

A new-ish good friend came over about 1 week post partum and immediately started doing the dishes. I was stunned. She said “Guests do the dishes, that’s the rule!”

I’ll do that for every new mom I visit from now on!

That not everyone has a village – and that not everyone needs one. We had to do it all alone, and we DID manage. It was tough, sure, but it was beautiful too, and maybe even more special in the early days as it was just us, a tiny new family working it all out and finding our way together. No casseroles, no babysitters, no breaks – but no judgement, opinions or need to do the hoovering either. Not everyone is in a position to enjoy lots of practical help – and we felt quite strange being ok with our sometimes-lonely, sometimes tough reality because of the surprising benefits (no uninvited comments, no visitors when you’re not feeling it, no feeling judged, no defending yourself when others don’t agree with your parenting style).

The mantra that helped me so much and that I recommend is “gentleness.” Gentle with yourself (it’s all new and can be so hard!), gentle with those who love you, gentle with baby (or toddler 🤪)- just think “gentleness”. It helped me slow down and just be kinder to myself, which I needed.

“Everything is a phase” has definitely been the most helpful advice for me in every stage thus far, but it was much more helpful once I was through the early months with my first and actually saw proof that it was true. I think it also would have been helpful to hear how different every kid is, and therefore if your struggles feel unique – they are! I remember feeling lost with my first, as it turns out he is a very intense child who doesn’t value sleep. My second is super laid back and loves sleep, and once I had him I understood so much of the stories and advice that felt useless/mismatched with my first. Now I’ve learned what advice works with each type of child and that’s helped me give myself a lot more grace.

I wish someone had told me to get established with a mental health professional during my pregnancy. I didn’t know I would completely lose my sense of self in motherhood and it took me 2 years to call a counselor on my own. Now I tell all my pregnant mamma friends to start working with a counselor now so that you have someone you trust after delivery. It was so helpful to have a counselor I knew and trusted after my second pregnancy.

My partner and I started a wins of the week document. We had time once a week (as part of a larger family meeting to talk through open topics) to list out all of the achievements we had. They didnt have to be baby related and a lot were small things. One time it included no adult cried at the pediatrician! Most weeks (I’m 5 weeks pp) have filled a whole page.
My current struggle always loomed so large I often forgot that we had achieved so much in the week so it’s nice to see it in print, and the brainstorming time is good bonding time with my partner

After just going through the second newborn phase (I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old) I have settled on a couple things, sometimes in the middle of the day when the walls are closing in and you feel restless, spacey, and like your forgetting something if only you could remember what it is you were supposed to even be thinking about you need to doing one of the following things: have a snack, take a shower, open the door or the window and breath the outside air, make a hot drink (tea, coffee, hot chocolate,) or make a really cold drink (juice, fizzy water, pop) or if at all possible take a nap. Sometimes you can’t nap or fall asleep even when you are ‘supposed to,’ it’s ok to just lie there and rest too. It’s ok to want to shower and scroll your phone instead of napping.

As for breastfeeding just in case you are out there and need to hear it, I couldn’t make it work with my first, and with my second I ‘fixed,’ everything I thought I did wrong and it still didn’t work so stop beating yourself up about how if only you had pumped more or latched more or did more skin to skin those first few weeks. Sometimes it’s just not going to happen and it’s ok to let that go when you’re ready. Also combo feeding is great, you can combo feed a little or a lot of stop the formula when and if your supply comes in. If you buy formula and don’t use it there are many places to donate it.

I’m reading this holding my 7 week old and listening to my 3 year old play downstairs. This baby has been much tougher than my first and just in the past 2 weeks or so, I’ve been really struggling, even with lots of help and support. Reading all of this has been really helpful. I’d just add that “this too shall pass” has been both helpful to know this time and sometimes not helpful at all. It can feel like that means “this will get better soon, so cheer up.” As of this morning, I’m reframing this to: endure. The sleep deprivation is the hardest thing for me but I can endure it while it lasts. Thank you to everyone for the reminder that not cherishing this part is guilt to just let go of.

I remember showing up to an Easter party 6 weeks postpartum with my newborn and husband. A more experienced mom took one look at my bloodshot eyes and my general look of bewilderment and she said, “This part sucks. It gets better, I promise. But it takes a long time.”

I needed to hear that it was okay not to love the newborn stage. And I needed to hear that the journey to my new self, to my new life was going to be long—not that it would be okay by month 3 when she would sleep through the night (she’s 2 and still doesn’t, so glad I wasn’t holding my breath for that one), not when I was cleared to workout and when I would somehow assume a normal schedule again (which helped, but also made me long for my pre-baby strength and my pre-baby extended workouts), not when she was first smiling and my heart would just into a thousand flowers (which it did), not at any of the promised times we see online or on social media, but for a long, long time. It released so much for me and gave me a realistic expectation for the future. I’m still endlessly grateful for that small interaction.

I know this is in a very different vein than many other people want to hear, but I have made it my mission to say this to a lot of new moms because it would have made such a difference for me:

It’s perfectly fine to want to and be ready to go back to work. If you have a career that you’re good at, and take pride in, and feel accomplished at, it’s really, really okay that you might feel ready to go back to doing that thing that you’re good at, instead of something (newborn care) that is all-consuming, offers you very little control over your day, and has very little sense of accomplishment. Feeling like you’re very ready for mat leave to be over does not make you a worse or less “natural” mother and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Using different parts of your brain (and heart) during the day can be really good for you and for your kids.

There are many “right” ways to parent! And related to that – formula feeding is a great way to feed your baby.

I distinctly remember being in the “thick of it” in those early weeks, and a fellow mom who’s kid had just turned one looked at me and said, “I’m from the future, and I’m here to tell you it gets so much better.” And it’s true. My kid is 10 months and we’re so happy. And now I tell it to every new mom I meet.

I’m 6 months pp with my second. This one was so different than my first. I think I was truly in shock after my first. We had decided before we even got pregnant with the second that he would be our last baby. Knowing that there would never be a newborn period again with sleepless nights or fussy evenings totally changed my perspective. Yes there were still plenty hard days (and having a 3yo too made things totally different!) but I just was more relaxed this time around. There wasn’t pressure to put him on a schedule because that’s what you “should” do. I also would just tell myself “he’s just being a baby” when I couldn’t figure out what was going on- why was he fussy, why was he waking up every 30 minutes at night. He was just being a baby!!!

You do not need to sacrifice your life to breast feed. Baby girl… Breast-feeding isn’t working. You are getting sick. You don’t know this yet, but formula is going to save your mental health, and perhaps your life. 🙏🏼

For me, this falls into two categories. There are things that I heard in the early days that totally turned out to be true, but I’m not sure I could really believe at the time. For instance – “this too shall pass” / “everything is a phase” / “you will feel like yourself again”. All of those things turned out to be true, and in retrospect I’m really glad people said them to me, but I couldn’t really allow myself to believe them at the time.

The thing I think I most needed to hear in the early days was to do whatever I wanted/would make me feel good when the baby slept. None of that “sleep when the baby sleeps” crap – yes, sometimes I took a nap when the baby was sleeping, but mostly, I wanted to do something that made me feel human again when the baby slept. Sometimes that was as mundane as folding laundry in front of trashy TV. I wish someone had said that to me instead of constantly telling me to sleep!!

My aunts asked “are you loving being a mom?!” I started crying and said not really. These experienced moms emphatically said together “oh of course you aren’t!!!”

I needed to know it was ok that I wasn’t loving this. I was so depressed and therefore not bonding with my baby. It took me a year (and stopping breastfeeding) to feel the way that I thought I’d feel the second they put her on my chest: that unconditional and almost obsessive love. I think I needed to know that Hollywood moment doesn’t always happen but it really would grow over time.

I haven’t seen anyone post what I needed to hear. I don’t mean to minimize others’ experiences but what I needed to hear was: “you can jump right in to normal if you want.” My mom came but left after a week because my brother in rehab needed her way more. We were doing totally fine. I had imagined that I would need time to recover, feel like I was struggling, etc. What made me feel best was going back pretty soon to things I love. Doula said to just focus on rest but that’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted to cook normal dinners (freezer casseroles are kinda yuck), go out for walks, live life. This was especially true for #2. I talked on the phone with a work colleague who didn’t know that I had gone into labor early and that he was talking to me post-delivery while baby was in NICU. But I wanted to talk about work and not about my kid’s lungs for twenty minutes. We hosted some friends for dinner when we got to bring baby home at 2 weeks because we love to host. By these comments, I totally see I’m in the minority and if this comment isn’t for you, just skip it. But for the postpartum mom that wants to jump right on back to life— yes, you can take those little tiny dudes to your local pizza joint, he can chill in the yard while you dig a hole for your new rose bush, and you can take a tour of the historic building if that’s what feels right to you. (But maybe wear a swaddling blanket over him in a carrier because people will definitely look at you funny.)

“You’re doing the best you can with the information and bandwidth you currently have.”

I was one of the first of my “village” to have a baby and I wish someone told me (which I’ve now told the rest of my friends) to remember to ask for what you need. Many of my friends and family offered to help but didn’t know how. This led to me making a “visitation” schedule rather than tell a friend who reached out something like “it would help me a ton if you walked my dog for 20 min before coming for newborn cuddles after.” My takeaway was it takes a village a village but remember to use your village.

I needed to book a sitter but we were nervous!
What I think everyone should know though is that breastfeeding is not birth control!! You can get pregnant soon after baby. I read about it all the time.

I completely agree that hearing “This too shall pass” would have been super helpful. For me, also hearing “Yes. This is incredibly hard.” would have been. That was something I really need to hear, but mostly what I heard was “You must be so happy with your new baby,” “Yeah it’s hard but the toddler stage is harder,” “Oh you’ll be fine.” etc… The newborn stage for me was so so difficult, physically and emotionally, and I did not expect that because I wanted a baby so badly. So there was also the guilt that I wasn’t loving every minute of it, and so many other confusing feelings… So, I just wanted to add that. For all going through this – Whatever you are feeling is valid; if you are feeling/thinking ‘this is so incredibly hard, what the bleep did I get myself into??’ then that is normal and makes sense; and yes eventually this too shall pass. But in the meantime it’s effing hard and if you need help (even professional help) please seek it out, and I hope you are able to get the help you need.

What I needed to hear was: you can’t problem solve everything. A lot about babies is fundamentally unknowable; learn to make peace with the uncertainty. If you wait a few days, often whatever’s going wrong will pass on its own.

I was handling all our daughter’s nights completely alone, starting from the second night after my C-section. My husband (who besides that is a great and involved dad and does a lot around the house) never woke up at night for our daughter’s first six months (at least); would not wake up in the morning either, he would sleep in, even after I had the most shitty of nights. Everybody around us acted like it was perfectly normal; we spent several vacation at my in laws when our daughter was a baby and they never said a word to him. I was so tired and angry and felt inadequate for feeling that way. What I would have liked to hear from anyone is that it was not ok and he was acting like an a***. It would not have made any actual difference but it would have made me feel better.

Take the pain pills after the c section. Grateful for my doctor sister getting stern with me to take the hydrocodone when I could barely move. It’s hard enough! You’re not weak for needing help with pain management.

In the early weeks of having newborn twins, my mom used to tell me over and over again “you are doing a great job with a difficult situation.” I’ve found that phrase to be particularly helpful when going through trying times with kiddo stuff, and other hard times generally.

I really wish someone had told me more about how our bodies recover and change post-partum. All I was told was that I could exercise and have sex after 6 weeks (after my c-section). This was very much NOT a realistic expectation for my body. I was a daily runner prior to giving birth. My body changed in ways that it took me a full year to be able to run again. Then I pushed too hard and hurt myself. I also expected that I could just run as I did before, but I had to adjust. I should have committed to physical therapy first to help rebuild my strength. 2 years postpartum now and I am having so much success with physical therapy and different types of exercises and strength training. I don’t know why I thought o would be able to just jump right back into it all. It took me all of those 2 years (and finally stopping breastfeeding at 2 years) to feel like myself again. It also took me at least a year to feel that I was decent at my job again. Don’t get me wrong, I have loved the journey, even in spite of 1.5 years of sleepless nights, but I just wish I had a better understanding and realistic expectations of body recovery. Seeing younger mothers on Instagram doing yoga didn’t always help me with my expectations either. I encourage people to be gentle with their bodies, be slow and thoughtful in their recovery,and to understand that it can often take years (not weeks) to recover. I wish physical therapy was prescribed to all women after giving birth.

I needed to hear that newborn stage is so different from every other stage that you aren’t yet “developing routines”. I’m a routine kind of person and had so many anxieties about my own life postpartum. I tried to set up routines for myself and for the baby. I wish I had known that I should have waited until I was back to work to even think about that.

When my first kid was about 3.5 months old, I transitioned back to work, which meant starting him at daycare. I wasn’t really nervous except for the fact that he was not a good napper and wasn’t really on a schedule yet. I thought that was a little bit of a failure on my part – the Internet had led me to believe that I should have been able to get him on a schedule around month two, and that just didn’t happen. When I handed him over to his daycare teacher on day one, I shrugged sheepishly as I admitted he wasn’t really on a schedule yet, fully expecting her to judge me at least a little. Instead, she just looked at me and said: He’s three months old – why would he be on a schedule yet??? The relief I felt was so immense and helped me remember not to believe everything on the Internet and that not every aspect of parenting has to fit perfectly into what technically could be possible. Kids move on their own timelines, and that is just fine.

1) The birth of a new baby is simply joy for everyone around (father, grandparents, family friends), but it is not always joy for the mother, and that’s okay! For me it was hold up, wtf just happened to me physically and emotionally, and who is this baby I now have to feed every 2 hours?! It takes a few days or weeks even for things to settle and for you to really find the joy in your new baby, and that’s okay to feel that way while you’re purely in survival mode. 2) You are quite literally and figuratively always going to be in the shit. Something that feels urgent is always going to be happening (baby isn’t latching right, baby has constant diaper rash you can’t get under control, etc). You will be going down one google rabbit hole to another. And then a week will go by and you’ll have totally forgotten whatever last week’s crisis was and moved on to the next. All of that to say, remember that things won’t always feel like an emergency and to just try to ride the waves!

One other thing I needed to hear – it’s okay to change pediatricians! No one really prepared us with the knowledge that we’d need a pediatrician even before leaving the hospital (so we could make the first-day-home-from-the-hospital visit appointment), so we just picked one close to our house. He was *fine*, but not great, and have us some questionable advice around our son’s eczema. It felt weird to switch though, especially since nothing was technically wrong, like we owed him some kind of loyalty. After a month or two though we decided to switch and reached out to our neighbors and friends for recommendations. Once we made the switch, it became SO obvious that our original pediatrician wasn’t right for us. I wish someone had told us earlier that it’s okay to switch! We’ve been at our new one ever since and love her.

Two things:
1) Most stages last about two weeks. So when you’re feeling totally overwhelmed and exhausted and wondering WHEN WILL THIS GET BETTER, try to give it a few weeks… of course then another something will pop up, but you’ll have two weeks more experience and two weeks more understnading and two weeks more patience (with your wee one and yourself) and each one will feel a bit easier to manage.
2) Do not feel guilty about seeking out medication if your postpartum feelings haven’t stablized after a few weeks. I did not with my first child, and I did with my second at 6 weeks, and it made a world of difference. It helped me to relax, worry less, enjoy more, and just generally feel MUCH more capable to handle being a mom of two.

First off, here’s what I wish my prenatal experience had offered:

1. A book group discussion of Kate Mangino’s book Equal Partners and how to explicitly set up an equal life after the baby arrives/avoid common pitfalls! Everyone thinks they’re going to be different and accomplish what almost no heterosexual couple haphazardly manages to stumble upon by accident.

2. A non-ideological class where we got a lot of detailed how-to instructions on what to do once the baby arrives, including discussions of how to solve common newborn parenting issues, and a day where veterans of breastfeeding and formula feeding shared a range of honest experiences, including (for the breastfeeders): this was the hardest thing I ever did in my life/I got tendonitis from it/didn’t make enough milk/got thrush/kept getting plugged ducts/it hurt/it was often not fun kind of honest. Maybe this would start during the prenatal period and run for a few months after birth.

Then, after arrival, I wish I’d heard:

1. “It is really tough to be a mom in a moment when the goalposts around what it means to be even an adequate mother keep getting moved and when not only do we not have a safety net, society is actively hostile to parents. I can’t replace all the safety nets, but I want to bring you dinner/take care of the baby/buy you a night in a hotel room so you can get one good night’s sleep/whatever else you need but don’t feel like you can ask for.”

and

2. “You martyring yourself is not going to help your son. In fact, taking the time and space to take care of yourself is going to lay the groundwork for healthy patterns that will teach him much healthier lessons in the long run.”

and

3. “Just because you gave birth at the same time does not necessarily mean you’ll have anything else in common. Don’t worry, I’m still your friend and you’ll find your soulmate mom friends in good time.”

and

4. “Yes, you had all the latest technologies and medical advancements during your pregnancy and birth, and now we have finally moved beyond the world of “Who cares? Put some cabbage leaves on your breasts!” and have state-of-the-art medical care for postpartum women too!”

The thing I most needed to hear postpartum with my first (which I hadn’t realized I needed to hear), was from a friend who had recently had a baby. After asking how I was feeling, to which I gave an update on how my physical recovery was going, she responded “That’s great, but how are you mentally?” I felt so unprepared for how birth, postpartum, figuring out parenthood, HORMONES would impact me until I was in it. It was so nice to have someone ask the question (she honestly was one of very few). Since, I’m always sure to check in on postpartum friends in this way.

I needed to hear I was doing great. As a chronic over-achiever, I felt like I could do postpartum “right” and it felt like I never actually was since I was crying all the time and exhausted and breastfeeding was hard. Looking back at that time, I was doing great, and I needed to hear it more.

I am so grateful for this thread! I am currently 6 weeks Pp with my first child- so sleep deprived, so sore, overwhelmed, wondering if we’ll ever graduate out of contact naps, triple feeding because I can’t decide which form of feeding I want to fully commit to – BF, pumping or formula, grieving some of the changes to my genital / pelvic region, wishing I could receive a hug without feeling pain in my chest, unable to imagine how I will ever have sex again, trying and failing so hard not to be short with my husband, feeling deeply alone despite having an incredible community and equal parts so in love with and deeply connected to my son. Every reminder I can get that this is normal and this too shall pass is so appreciated!

“This too shall pass” really resonates with me. I read in a book once that on any given day, this is the only day that your baby is X days/months old. That helped me with both my first and my second, and is helpful even now (when my second is 9 months old and refusing to ever nap in his crib…).

I’ve also found that humor helps me push through the tough times. When I was pregnant and parenting our toddler, my husband would jokingly tell me to “enjoy this time,” and we now use that as a fun, shorthand way to lighten some of the most stressful moments of having two little ones.

If your circumstances feel harder, they probably are harder. It’s not fair, but you’re playing the hand you were dealt, and nobody would handle it better than you’re already handling it.

‘Just make it through until morning.’

A midwife gave me the best advice. When making it through the first six weeks (let alone first year!) seemed like an eternity, the midwife said, ‘just make it through until morning.’ The nights were the hardest and she was right: somehow everything felt easy and more manageable when the sun was up. So on her advice, I just got through until morning, then again for the next one and the next one after that, until we emerged from the foggy first weeks.

“I didn’t like the newborn period at all.” If just one person had said that, I would’ve felt like so much less of a failure. It brings me great joy to share that with new moms now. A Maybe they can relate, but if not, they at least can feel good that they didn’t feel as bad as I did. 😉

Second, I could’ve used a reminder every day that I would find myself again one day and be happy again. I was so depressed I truly believed my happiest days were behind me. Little did I know that the opposite has turned out to be true. <3

Advice I got and now give to others:

At some point (and maybe several points) in the first year, you will hate your husband. It is normal, it will pass, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

I needed to hear that as a mom, i can trust my instinct. Immediately post-partum i second guessed myself a lot if i was making the right choice for my baby, choosing to continue to try and nurse, because it was important to me, and later on, introducing formula, when it felt right to me. I was allowed to follow my gut because months later, im happy with the choices i made. And i gave myself a very difficult time because people close to me said differently at the time we had to make those choices. Im grateful I had a supportive partner, but me doubting myself every step of the way was harder on both of us. I was a first time mom, and so i felt everyone else with kids had more experience than me. But everyone is different, every baby is different, every experience is different.. trust yourself mama- you know whats best.

Besides what most everyone covered, I would have loved to have heard that you can still experience intense ligament laxity at 9 months (or even 12!) months postpartum. Especially with a history of hypermobility.
During the bloody part of my cycle, my lower back can (and does) collapse if I dont tighten all the core muscles while doing most movements. Immediately I felt like I was exaggerating (thanks youth traumas), but then my massage therapist said the tissue in my lower back and parts of my shoulders felt the same as they did when I was pregnant.. Then I did some research and found at least a few journal papers that confirmed the possibility… I just felt I wasnt doing enough to get my strength back (even though I work out 3-4 times a week; besides the general baby & toddler lifting..). So I go back to trying to give myself some grace.. 😉

The best thing my friend told me when I was struggling with baby #1 (she had 2 kids already) was that I was doing everything right…there is no wrong. The hardest part was getting used to living in a total gray area. However there are tons of great resources on sleep, feeding etc so the village of my fellow mom friends was crucial. The other thing I wish I knew was how much my body would change and that there’s no going back to “normal”. Doctors don’t tell you to ease back into exercise and I didn’t even get a diastasis check. Pelvic floor therapy and pilates with a corrective exercise specialist SAVED me.

I just needed someone to listen to how I was feeling, tell me everything I was feeling was normal and that I would find my way out of my postpartum anxiety. I didn’t need people telling me it was going to get better with time. Time with a newborn often feels like it is standing still and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know I’m late to the party here, but reading all of these is making me cry. I needed to hear the comment below about how it might take a while to bond with your baby. I also had a traumatic C-section and then re-admission to the hospital for preeclampsia, with both times being confined to bed due to being a fall risk. I therefore had no ability to care for the baby when she cried, since I couldn’t get up. On one hand this gave my husband an incredible opportunity to bond with our new baby. On the other hand I remember sobbing weeks later about the feeling that I missed the bonding window. Seven months later, I’m just remembering this now and feeling like I wish I had known how in love I would be.

I also wished that all of the baby books would stop telling me to lean on my village. What if you don’t have a village? What if all of your friends and family live too far away to physically help, and those who do live close enough aren’t physically able? Being told to lean on your village when you don’t have one is pretty hard to hear. And lonely.

I needed to hear different things with each kid. With my first, it wasn’t so much hearing as it was what my husband did. I was exhausted, lonely and scared, and it was the start of Covid so were completely alone. He said he was going to try something crazy and to trust him. While I was breastfeeding our three week old, he turned on Love Island. I’m not a reality show person, but the comfort of having something mindless to do while being stuck and home alone while I was breastfeeding all day was so wonderful. It truly saved my sanity.
With my second, my sister told me the love for her might take longer. She was right, it did and now it’s unstoppable. But it’s so different and hard in another way with the second, and that’s ok. I also needed to be continually reminded I was doing a good thing by giving my first kid a sibling, because I had a lot of grieving to do about the missed times with him. Now they’re two and three and I understand how magical it is, but I couldn’t envision it at the time.

I remember reading this advice on some other online forum and I wish I had read it earlier – it applies unfortunately only to some people, but sharing it anyways. If you are a person who is privileged enough to be able to afford luxuries like getting food and groceries delivered, but also the type of person who doesn’t feel like that is an appropriate use of money to indulge in regularly…. Now is the time to throw that reservation out the window. Order delivery meals every other day if you need to. Pay the fee (and tip) to get your groceries delivered. Pay the neighbor kid to walk your dog for a few weeks. Anything you can do to make taking care of yourself easier is worth it.

It’s okay to slow down and do nothing except for feed and snuggle your baby!! I felt like I should be getting things done with this “extra time” while not working, but wish I would have let go of those expectations and lived in the moment without a to-do list.

“You don’t need to have an excuse to make a decision that’s right for you” I struggled a lot with making tough decisions that were best for my son, myself, and my family. For me, this looked like moving him to his own room within a week and switching to formula after 3 weeks of exclusive pumping. These decisions go against the grain of what we’re told is “best” for our kids, and as a new mom I needed to hear that I knew what was best and it was okay to make these choices without an excuse that others would find acceptable.

A friend who doesn‘t have children came over and brought some fresh flowers „because I think you probably got enough presents for the baby. Those are just for you.“ And then she asked if she could fold the laundry in the basket over there. I wish I had said yes.

I tell every pregnant woman who plans to breastfeed I know to buy silverettes. They are nipple covers that a. protect your nipples from chafing against bras/shirts and b. (more importantly) help heal your nipples in between feedings/pumps.

The chafing was outrageous for me and I felt like my nipples never got a break. Some women don’t experience this, but the silverettes are very good to have in case. Bring them to the hospital and use them right away. I went through so many different solutions for weeks before finding silverettes.

Don’t worry about a schedule right now. That will come and it will stay for a looooong time. Try to let go and just enjoy the freedom of the no schedule days.

I needed to hear that everything I was navigating – the hormonal fluctuations, the shock, the love, the hatred, the dismay, the fleeting suicidal thoughts, the fatigue, the wondering if I was good enough – all of it – was normal. And that it was ok to say those things, it was ok to feel that way, and it was ok to talk to someone – lots of people! – about it. It’s hard AF. And that’s ok.

I needed to know (truly know) that the newborn phase wouldn’t last forever. I also needed to realize (probably sooner) that being completely miserable and having very dark thoughts doesn’t have to be the norm. It’s a sure sign of PPD (which I had) and thankfully was screened for. The day I was flagged for PPD at the pediatrician, my OB saw me the same day. I really appreciated that they took it so seriously, but I was about 2 months post partum and just thought I needed to struggle through the initial phase. NO – get medication. It is OK if you need antidepressants to get through the first year with a new baby. It is insanely hard, and going back to work after 12 weeks (or shorter for some moms!) is very difficult. It’s not possible to “have it all” or juggle it all yourself. Ask for help and also let some things fall through the cracks – it will be OK. I am currently 13 weeks pregnant with baby 2 (3rd pregnancy) and I hope I can remember all of these tidbits that I learned from my daughter when I’m in the thick of postpartum fog.

That you will have a moment in the middle of the night when you’re really tired and the baby won’t go back to sleep and you’ll feel very overwhelmed. You’ll figure it out, take a shower and a nap the next day, and figure out a plan so that situation won’t repeat itself. You’ll get smarter every day.

So much of this resonates with me. I will add one related thing: I saw a therapist for postpartum anxiety and she suggested a mantra for me when I was in the thick of the fourth trimester- it continues to resonate (my daughter is 14 months)- “Just because it is hard doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong!”

I really just needed someone to say, “Can I do dishes or help watch the baby while you nap on Xday or Xday?”

It’s ok to speak up. You know when something doesn’t seem right, you know yourself and your baby better than anyone, if you do not feel heard, SPEAK UP! With my first I kept feeling shushed and like I was too new at this to know something was wrong, and ended up right back in the hospital with mastitis and a baby who couldn’t latch. The second time I spoke up, and got the support I needed.