Anonymous Struggling Mom, this was exactly my experience! We tried potty training my daughter just before she turned 3 (we were quarantining for a week and decided to just go for it). After trying literally everything for six days straight, she came out victorious – kept saying “I don’t LIKE that idea” to suggestions of using the potty, and at the end of the week took the (empty) sticker chart off the wall, handed it to me and said “We don’t need this because I am NOT going to use the potty”. I cried at various points that week.
We moved to pull ups instead of diapers so as not to go “back” to a previous stage, and I just didn’t try again, although I’d mention it every so often. Then one day in the May before she started Pre-K I genuinely forgot to bring a clean pull-up for her after swimming. We were out for the day, so I seriously explained that she would have to tell me when she needed a wee or the car seat, etc. would be wet. The first time she did we were outside and she wee-d on the grass in a secluded area. We just rolled with it from there and she didn’t wear a pull-up again! From that day she was “trained” for both daytime and nighttime, and I put it down to her being entirely ready.
I know the despair you’re feeling, but take heart – when it actually happens it will be easy because she’s older. I still shudder when I think of the potty training week we had, though – it is without a doubt incredibly stressful. Be kind to yourself. It’ll happen!

Same for us, turns out when my son said „I am not using the potty“ he actually meant the little plastic thing on the floor. One day we sat him on the actual toilet and he went without issue and we never looked back!

To Anonymous Struggling Mom, sounds like a very frustrating time for all involved!! Has she ever successfully peed on the potty/toilet before? If not, it can definitely be intimidating!! Much easier to “catch” a pee on the potty with a 2 year old who you can physically move to the potty when they’re midstream… with a much older toddler, there’s a lot more willpower involved and awareness that can make it hard to either physically move them or “convince” them to try this scary new thing. In the telling of your story, what jumps out to me is the fact that you told her you’d wait until she’s ready, and then you didn’t actually mean that—you’ve now decided she has to be ready even if she doesn’t feel she is. This sounds like a recipe for a power battle! She is feeling a loss of control in addition to dread of this scary new thing. If it’s possible for you, I would back off and tell her she can pick when she wants to do this new thing like you said she could. Take the pressure off. Leave the potty out. Be casual about it, while letting her come into the bathroom when you pee, talking about your own need to go to the bathroom, etc. But take the pressure off.

We have finally this week managed to get the night diaper off my 3.9 year old who has literally not wet it in a year, but couldn’t stand the idea of sleeping without the diaper on… it was a long slow buildup of talking about how once the “last diaper” wore out (we finished a pack and refused to buy more), he would have to be done, but he could also choose to try without the diaper sooner. Eventually I talked up how he could pick out a “big kid” prize if he slept five nights without the diaper. This has been a slow build over several months. Finally this week with the diaper on its very last legs, he announced he wanted to try undies at night (as he has been in the day for a year). He was ready. He was proud. And after one night succeeding, there was no going back!

Once kids are this age, they feel a lot more agency and yes, that can make transitions easier for them, but it can also make them feel a greater need for control and this resistance. The art is working with them so they maintain control, while helping them to reach their/your goal. I hope my story helps illustrate that, in some way, even if it’s not the same struggle. Have confidence that she will get there, even with the stress (for you) of pre-k looking… and if possible, ask the pre-k program to work with you so that you can relieve the pressure for her and yourself. Because she is definitely feeling the pressure, just like you are. Once she has one successful potty use, on her own terms, my hunch is that the rest will come pretty easily… just give her the space again to come to it on her own terms, with gentle and subtle encouragement.

Moms on Call has a great podcast that has covered these potty situations. Their approach is not to force or fight or punish but to be confident in your child’s ability and let your confidence be contagious. We have to remember these are scary transitions for little kids, and although it can be exasperating for us, they will pick up on that feeling and dig their heels in more. My daughter pooped in her nap time pull up for months after being potty trained, and then eventually she figured it out, it wasn’t anything that I did.

Also for pooping, prune pouches are helpful!

Anonymous struggling mum, have you considered letting her use the toilet instead of a potty? We did the same as you with our oldest daughter: on the potty a few times a day etc but she’d just not pee there. We started just after she turned 2 and then just kinda gave up. She turned 3 three weeks ago, and last weekend we put her in underwear. It took her 3.5hrs and three sets of wet underwear to get trained. BUT big difference to what we did initially: we put her on the toilet (special seat for kids), have a stepping stool for her so she can reach the toilet and can sit relaxed (and relax her pelvic floor) and let her wipe and flush herself.

I apparently was very difficult to potty train, and the thing that worked was that my grandmother, whom I loved, gave me new underwear that were purportedly “nice,” and she told me I couldn’t ruin them. For the Struggling Mom whose kid sounds like she could do it, maybe there’s someone like this in her life that could do the same thing (even if you buy the undies and give them to that person to give to your kid). Rooting for you and your kid!

Re Miralax: My oldest withheld poop in his diapers off and on for about a year when he was 2. We tried so many different strategies (behavioral, diet, etc.), and the only thing that worked for him was miralax. We did really small doses, tweaking it slightly up and down to get it to work and not cause diarrhea. We ended up using it for a few months, then weaned off of it. I think we had to go back on it once or twice, but then weaned again. I didn’t love the idea of medicating my kid, but the doctor assured me it was safe, I liked that we could control the dose, and it was really the only thing that worked.

Re struggling: One thing that worked well for us was rewards for having dry undies. We started with 30-minute increments then increased from there over the course of a few days. One key ingredient for any reward system we’ve used is asking the kid what they want to earn (within very parameters, of course). This ensures they are actually motivated by the reward!

For poop withholding – our daughter didn’t withhold, but had some painful constipation which led to a lot of pee accidents (which I guess is quite common with constipation!). We did some miralax to help soften, but honestly giving her foods that help with softening poop helped even more. Pears work magic for her. Other fruits with “p” also help here – plums, peaches, prunes. Can you introduce more of these to your kiddo’s diet and see if that softening helps increase bathroom trips and lessens withholding?

First for mom with 4 y/o:
I have twins. When we potty trained the issues and challenges for each child were different. To adults it’s all straightforward and we often think that what works for one kid should work for another. But they are individuals from day one. What helped me was a book called: Stress Free Potty Training: a Common Sense guide to finding the right approach for your child. This is not a book with a prescription to do specific steps. It goes over 4-5 different personality temperaments and how they each can pose different issues when potty training. Then it takes you through how to address them. For my daughter, she wanted to be in charge and in control. So I set everything up and showed her and then waited. 6 months later she initiated it herself and potty trained in a week. Her brother had some sensory fears and little interest in learning self care. So I made flushing the toilet fun and let him play with this mechanical thing that I knew intrigued him. After watching his sister self train and get rewards and attention he wanted in too. But for him it was a longer time frame because once the initial excitement was over he lost interest. So you see, whatever is challenging your daughter is unique to her. I’d encourage you to read the book, back off the pressure for a bit, then with new insights from the book make another plan of approach. Hang in there this is a hard one. The pressure on adults to have their kids potty trained by certain age or for school situations can generate a lot of angst.

Wait until they are at least 3yo and go cold turkey. I don’t care if your kid is mentally ready they are not. We didn’t go cold turkey with my first and while she was mentally ready at 2.5 she was not. It took a year for her to be potty trained. With my son, I waited until he was 3, mentally ready, and cold turkey. Potty trained on a long weekend. He is 5 now and I can count he’s had 2 accidents in 3 years.

I feel your pain. My now 5 and half year older toilet journey started at 2 with holding on and then constipation. I did the dr. Becky toilet learning guide. So much of this resonated with where we had gone wrong so would highly recommend. We decided to leave her be and she decided herself to start using toilet at 3 and a bit having seen her younger cousin trained. I did my best not to even mention the toilet for that year or so but we did lots of ‘behind the scenes’ work from the Dr. Becky guide – messy play, tolerating mess, building up her confidence in her ability/independent skills, interoception- paying attention to bodily sensations. Even with all that she had the bad luck to get a rotten bug (thank you campylobacter) shortly after training which led to some poo accidents and triggered the withholding/constipation. We’ve been on the miralax (movicol here) roundabout for nearly 18 months. Just lately I’ve had a consultation with a specialist paediatric nurse and I’m very hopeful we are making progress. She’s on Instagram @pooandtheloo so would highly recommend following her for toileting advice. Personally I found any kind of coercion or even encouragement completely backfired for our clever and strong-willed daughter. Every child is different so you’ll be the best judge of what tack to take. Good luck and update us on how you get on. There’s a lot of us going through the same thing!

Re: the poop withholding – my son went through the same thing. We ultimately took him to the GI and they switched him from Miralax to Exlax. They explained that Miralax does not actually stop withholding, whereas Exlax does because it literally contracts the bowels. We are not out of the woods yet – as we haven’t finished the recommended course before starting to wean him – and still have to figure out potty training with all of this – but it has definitely helped him pass a regular BM everyday. Might be worth a conversation with your pediatrician about whether a switch would help.

We had a wild ride with potty training and ended up taking our 3 year old to occupational therapy. He was really anxious about using the toilet – the loud noises, the flush, and the hole in the toilet freaked him out, and he would just completely panic about using the toilet.

His OT devised a game where we would throw toys in the toilet to go “swimming” and then pull them out for a bath (and then a round of disinfectant!). We slowly worked up to dropping the toys in while sitting on the toilet, and that was basically the end of it. It sounds ridiculous, but it really helped him get some positive associations with the bathroom, and get him over the anxiety.

My son waited forever and the only way I could get him to go was to matter-of-factly say, “Mr. Rogers is on and we can turn it on once you go to the bathroom.” By this time of day, it was noon and I knew he would have to go. Pushing it at 8:00 am wasn’t going to work. We would watch at lunch, and I wouldn’t ask again, but we sat with a turned off tv. Then, I would turn it off and say we could watch Arthur once he went to the bathroom. He had 4 shows he could watch and that was it. He had to potty before each one and that was the ONLY thing that worked. I was matter-of-fact and just pretended those were the rules.

Also, for boys, if you take an empty toilet paper roll and cut it in half in the middle, you can have them use it to hold their penis and it improves aim. This is especially great for when you are traveling and they do not want to sit down. Then, you just pitch it. I called them “Pee Shooters” and it worked like a charm for those little and/or distracted hands to have something larger to hold that I didn’t have to wash and were easy to stick in a purse.

This is personal preference but worked wonders for us (and other friends) when potty training and then when our 2.5 almost 3 yo was refusing to poop: “Poop Chocolate.” When we started potty training, every time he went tinkle he got one sticker that he could put on the potty, and when he went poop he got two. This got us over the potty training hump. Then he started to withhold his poop. So, we switched it up a little. He still got one sticker when he peed, BUT every time he pooped, he got to pick out a small chocolate. This made going on the potty both fun and rewarding, but most importantly, it worked. He had agency to choose the piece he got. We didn’t tell him when to go. We would ask if he needed to go and we would remind him, “pee and poop go in the potty, that’s why we listen to our body.” We were VERY consistent with routines and reminders.

We also had very straightforward but age appropriate discussions about “ouchy poopy” and how poop can hurt if we don’t listen to our bodies and poop when we need to.

TL/DR: agency + rewards + consistency + straightforward conversations around using the potty = success for us.

Hang in there and Good luck!!

For the almost 4 year old, one thing that we have found helpful is to make the kid a partner in the problem solving (based on suggestions from How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen). For example, both parents and the kid could contribute ideas about what reward to get for using the potty or what kind of potty seat would motivate them to use the potty. Both have veto power, but if the kid feels like they came up with the idea they seem to be more likely to go with it. My kid was very resistant about peeing before we left the house (kept saying he didn’t have to go, then would have an accident right after we left), but after the brainstorming process we agreed that we would “text” his preschool teachers and if they said he had to try, he would do it. It mostly works!!

To the poop withholding parent – my son is 2.5 and I’ve been giving him 1 teaspoon of benefiber in his juice every day since January and now he goes almost every day. When I forget a day, I do find that he tends to get backed up for a day or 2 though.

For poop withholding mom: we had similar issues with our first. Pee came easier than poop for our child. We ended up paying for the Jamie Glowacki Poop course which suggested using suppositories like Pedia-lax which is not a stimulant like Miralax, just a muscle relaxer. Our child was afraid of pooping since it felt different sitting on the potty and she was scared about it hurting. Turns out a clenched butt doesn’t help you poop! So after maybe 1-2 weeks using suppositories, she gained the confidence to just try without it and no longer needed them. I will say she was resistant to letting us do the suppositories, but that also encourages going poop without them. Good luck!

My best potty training tip (not for the parents in the questions but for others reading this) is to start when your child is very young and finish prior to 2 years old. The current advice to wait until 3+ (and then do it in a long weekend?!) is nonsense and leads to the kinds of problems the letter writers have. Children have never historically been kept in diapers so long and it is an affront to the their dignity and independence to do so.

Potty learning is a process for both the child and the parent. It sounds like you might need a reset. This is a process that has to be lead by the child with encouragement from adults. For the last almost 4 years it’s all she’s known. It can feel scary to learn this whole process.

I would recommend dedicating a weekend where you can be at home and support her building up her skills with the potty.
If she wakes up dry I would have her go use the potty right away. If she wakes up wet she might not have to go again until after breakfast. Remind her she’s in underwear and to check in with her body.

It can feel hard to let your child lead this process but from what you shared it sounds like it’s become a power struggle and you’ll never win because you can’t force any one to use the potty.

If you are noticing her wiggling or holding herself say “your buddy is telling you it needs to go potty.” “It’s time to check in and if nothing comes out that’s okay.”

If she pees reminder that was her body of telling her she needed to go.

There will be accidents because it’s just part of the process of potty learning. Even at almost 4 the world of distraction is hard to step away and go potty.

Learning how to use the potty, listen to your body, and make I’m time to the potty takes time but she’ll get there!

I unfortunately don’t have direct solutions to the problems that are mentioned above but one thing I learned from potty training my daughter far too early (thanks a lot Oh Crap potty training). She did so well at first and then a couple months in it all fell apart and it was an ongoing struggle for 2 years after that. We had the same constipation issues mentioned above (not sure if this was potty training or something else) and now as she is almost turning 6 we finally see the light. One thing I have found that has had lasting benefits is taking probiotics. She takes a kids probiotic everyday and it wasn’t until we begun including this priobiotic did we see any lasting difference. I know the data on this isn’t solid but it definitely helped us. Since taking it almost 1.5 years ago she’s only had one mild run with constipation (after so many rounds of laxatives I just stopped them and did the probiotic and we’ve never had to go back).
My advice for future potty training moms:
1. Don’t rush your kid when they aren’t ready or they are just far too young for it so don’t add that stress to your lives for no reason (not saying that’s the case with the 4 yr old above).
2. Night time potty training will come when their body is ready for it. If they get so old that they begin to get embarrassed there are lots of tools you can turn to that I’ve heard are super successful (potty buzzer at night that detects liquid is a recommended one)
3. Try not to compare your situation to anyone else. It’s so hard in this world where everyone posts things or some people unintentially brag about it unknowingly hurting the other mom listening. Don’t let yourself get down for this, they will get it one day!
Good luck parents!

My son (5) has struggled with poop withholding for several years. I’m with you! I had the same reservations about daily Miralax. We’ve FINALLY turned a corner in the past few months with two suggestions from my pediatrician: a daily kids prebiotic, and a daily “5 min sit” on the potty before bath. We set a timer, read a book, talk, and remind him that he doesn’t have to do anything other than sit on the potty for 5 min. To our amazement, 9 times out of 10 he poops! He went from massive poops every 5-6 days to almost daily, normal BMs. I hope this works for you!!

My best advice is to go to the library and check out Oh Crap! (Or whatever potty training book you choose). All adults involved in potty training should read the book in its entirely before beginning the potty training. Go all in and follow the method that you pick, and don’t half-ass it. We read potty training tips from parentData to guide us, but it wasn’t until we actually read the book and committed that we were successful. There is a lot of nuance to it which is what makes it so difficult, and having a book help navigate different situations is helpful. Finally, pop that champagne when you’re successful!

My number one potty training tip is to start early. I love the book Diaper Free Before Three. Pretty much as soon as my youngest could sit, we would sit him on the potty after dinner. It was a good time to read him a book or otherwise interact, and half the time he would poop. We increased the frequency of putting him on the potty after meals as he got older and eventually took the plunge on the full diaper free Oh Crap method just before he turned two. Starting potty training early takes longer, but is a much more pleasant experience. I am so glad we did it when he was young because the minute he turned two everything was a power struggle, except for using the potty. The reason we decided to start early was because of the awful experience we had with his older brother, potty training him at 3. What finally worked for him was spending a lot of time bare bottom at home, with a potty in every room and completely ignoring anything that had to do him using it. In his case, the pressure was the biggest obstacle. Potty training caused so many tears with my oldest. It may have happened more quickly than potty training my youngest, but it was such a painful process. Starting early is in my experience, the way to go.

To the Miralax-hesitant mom: our pediatrician recommended it for my daughter before she was 2 due to recurrent painful bowel movements. He explained that it’s an inert molecule that softens stool by absorbing water. He also gave us leeway to adjust the dose up or down. She ended up doing well on something really low, like a teaspoon per day in her nightly milk. We did that for a couple months, her stools regularized, and she’s no longer afraid of pooping. Good luck!

This is timely for me, as we’ve also been struggling with this recently. Our 4-year-old has been ready to potty train for ages, except that he has been almost completely resistant to the potty/toilet. He knows when he needs to pee or poop, and will take off his clothes (including his shirt!) and get himself to his preferred location outside. He can hold it for a while if he needs to, and can go months without wetting the bed. But he’s really strong-willed, and met every suggestion of using the potty with a hard no, with the exception of a spell last fall when he got interested in pooping there. After a week of that, the resistance came back in full force. He’s never been able to articulate what it is he doesn’t like about it.

The standard advice seems to be to remove all pressure to use the potty for a few weeks when your kid shows resistance, but 2.5 years of that strategy didn’t get us where we wanted to be. We finally told him he couldn’t poop outside anymore, and my husband put him kicking and screaming onto the toilet. We went through about four days of tearful bathroom sessions, poop withholding, and pooping in the living room (thank goodness for tile), supplemented by “toilet practice” with me sitting on the toilet behind him and then standing behind him while he sat. And then one evening with no fanfare, he excused himself and went and pooped in the toilet by himself, returning with the nonchalance of someone for whom this is absolutely No Big Deal. It remains to be seen how long it will take before he makes this a habit; today he pooped on the bathroom floor, and I have to remind myself that two steps forward, one step back is still progress overall.

Melinda Wenner Moyer posted an interview with a child psychologist earlier(https://open.substack.com/pub/melindawmoyer/p/why-rules-and-limits-foster-growth?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web) who argued for stricter limit setting around these issues. I found it very uncomfortable to read, because my natural instinct is very much to let the kid move at their own pace. But to the extent that I can read it as “Here’s an alternate approach” rather than “You’ve been doing things wrong all along,” I found it a valuable perspective.

There are a lot of opinions about the *right* way and time to potty train, and even the admonition to just do whatever works feels hollow when it seems like nothing works. I would have liked to hear someone say that, in the absence of medical issues, (1) it’s okay to decide that it’s non-negotiable that he eventually learn to use the toilet; (2) it’s okay to decide that “eventually” means “now,” whether or not there are external pressures like school requirements; (3) it’s okay to abandon the strategy you most wanted to use, and it’s okay to feel sad about that even while acknowledging that your next choice option may work better. I do have faith that this will someday be a non-issue, probably quite soon in the scheme of things; I just wish that getting to that point didn’t leave me feeling so much like a failure.

To “Poop Withholding Woes” mom – you say your child was potty trained at 24 months. I’m going to assume you initiated this vs. them – we have friends who are stalwart and successful 20 month go-naked potty trainers. But, the downside of this all-in approach as they’ve shared it is that as the kid develops and changes, their feelings about it and sense of control can also change, leading to “setbacks” or “regression” which are other ways of saying, a kid reacting to something in their life. You mentioned talking to your pediatrician, but not your child – more info on what she thinks is going on and what she wants is where I would start.

To “Anonymous struggling mom,” notwithstanding some of the other advice offered here of the “you’re the parent” variety, I see potty training as an important place kids first assert control and feel a sense of accomplishment, and taking that away from them in unilateral fashion (“Last week I took the diapers/pull-ups away”) can backfire. You didn’t specify if preschool requires the kids to be potty trained – if not, waiting for her to be ready is an option.

This is very specific advice but it might work for someone else. I put a diaper at the bottom of the potty and had my son poop on the potty, into the diaper. This was last week, after years of waiting and trying to get my son to poop in the potty.

My son is 4.5 yo and we tried everything. Even though I have asked him dozens of times why he didn’t want to poop in the potty he revealed to me last week that he was afraid to see his poop in the potty. I asked if he rather see his poop in his diaper and he said “yes”. So then I asked if he would poop on the potty if there was a diaper at the bottom of the potty – I couldn’t believe it – but he said “yes”! I can’t apply my adult logic to his kid logic so I will never understand why this is what worked. This “trick” was like training wheels. A week later he doesn’t need the diaper to poop in anymore.

We had a different poop-reluctance issue with our 2 year old. She had been seeming to want privacy when pooping in her diaper (hiding behind curtain to do it), but did NOT want us to leave the bathroom when nervously trying to poop in the toilet/potty. I realized I could put the potty under the bath towel bar and showed her how to hold one over her head! It gave her privacy which reduced the pressure, but she could still have us on the same side of the bathroom door which reduced her nerves. She probably felt some control too.

What worked for us is waiting until my daughters were 3 (or close to it) – they just seemed more aware and ready so it went faster than I thought.