My 5-year-old daughter is asking how the dad’s DNA gets into the mom to grow the baby. My main concern is not that I’ll share too much with her (she’s pretty mature) but that she’ll talk to her friends at school about what we discussed.
When are most families having these conversations? Should I expect most 5-year-olds to know how babies are made in more specific terms than “mom and dad contribute DNA and a baby grows”?
We have the book It’s Not the Stork but haven’t read it with her yet. We’re sticking with the strategy of answering the bare minimum of what’s asked, but she’s found the gap in our explanations. Any advice appreciated.
––Avid reader for 9 years and counting
This is a great question. A couple of years ago, I did a long interview with Miranda Featherstone about this very question, so while that won’t give you answers, it might be worth a listen as you contemplate.
There are really two questions here. The first is how to talk to your kid about sex, so let’s start there. Good news: you’re doing it right. Bad news: it’s hard. The core advice in any of these complicated conversations (sex, death) is to keep it brief, answer the question that is asked, and don’t lie. Many kids are not going to want to go into detail about how the sperm gets in there, but some will.
What you want to say in response to that is up to you. It sounds like you think your child might be mature enough to hear a version of the truth, so something like “The man puts the sperm into the woman with his penis. That’s something called sex, something adults do.” You can think about how to phrase this and exactly how much detail you want to give. It’s Not the Stork is good. Sex Is a Funny Word is another; though targeted at the 8-to-10 set, it might have some great ideas.
But it sounds to me like you’ve got a handle on this!
The second concern: she’ll tell other kids. It’s hard to know what is going on in other people’s houses, but I think you’re right that most families are not having these conversations at this level at this age. And your child might be tempted to tell other kids things (because sex is cool and interesting!).
This is a bit like Santa — you don’t want to ruin it for other kids, but your responsibility is to align with your family values and what works for you. And, like with Santa, it is possible to tell your kid that some things are not for wide sharing. You can do this without saying it’s a shameful secret (or making it too interesting).
Good luck! The positive framing is that this was definitely going to come up sometime, so now you’re getting it out of the way.
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