Deliberate Parenting: Obsess Less, Plan More

In the parenting zeitgeist, over the past few months, I’ve been seeing something new creeping in: the general sense that parenting has become too hard, that we are doing too much, that it shouldn’t be such a slog. Parenting is burning us out.

Sometimes this is framed as a pushback against “intensive parenting” and “gentle parenting.” Neither of these concepts is well-defined, but both require parents to invest a good deal of time and attention to set their children up for long-term success.

Parents invest in these approaches, usually, because they believe it is best for their kids. This belief reflects some overall evidence that children benefit from involved parents. However, the current level of parental involvement is far greater than in the past. As Corinne Low has pointed out, the amount of time parents spend with their children has skyrocketed. In 2018, working moms spent more hours with their children in a given week than nonworking moms did in 1975.

The fact is that there is little evidence that this kind of higher-volume involvement actually makes a difference to child outcomes, and, for parents, it can feel exhausting and unsustainable. The problem is, we have no idea what we should let go of. We want to do a great job, we want to do what’s best for our kids, but it feels literally impossible to do everything that’s expected. We invest all day in making sure we’re getting it right, and we end the day exhausted and fried. Then, maybe, we slip and yell at our kid because it’s all just too much, and now we’re up all night worrying we’ve ruined them forever. (And never mind the fact that the world outside our four walls feels like it’s collapsing.)

What we need is a reset in the way we are thinking about parenting investment. We should be investing time in thinking about our family life, but not in the way we currently are. What I see with parents is people who are doing too much thinking about every little moment and too little thinking about the big picture.

I’ve got an alternative approach here that I call “deliberate parenting.” It starts by recognizing that we can do less, that not every tiny moment matters, and that even seemingly big decisions probably have only small consequences for our kids’ outcomes. We can dial down some intensity and anxiety. But at the same time, we should refocus that energy on being more deliberate in our advance planning because that’s the effort that will make us more relaxed, rather than more anxious.

In a short sentence: obsess less, but plan more. Let’s take those ideas in turn.

Take me to the bottom line

Not every moment or decision matters

I’m not sure how much to blame social media for this (that definitely plays some role), but parents are increasingly hearing the message that every moment with our children matters tremendously. Every interaction, every tiny choice, is either an opportunity to mess your kid up forever or a chance to invest in making them totally awesome. This messaging is perfectly designed to heighten the stress of literally every interaction we have.

One perfect example of this was the social media insanity last year over “hurried child syndrome.” For a brief period, we were all being told that if we rush our child out the door, we’re setting them up for a lifetime of anxiety. This turned out to be based on nothing — there is a concept of “hurried children” in the psychology literature, but it has nothing to do with rushing your kids. Still, for a short period of time, it really freaked people out.

There are a million examples: People who worry that if they don’t do day care drop-off the right way, they’ll ruin their child’s attachment. The worry that sleep training for a few nights will ruin attachment. The worry that if you buy the wrong shoes, your child will never learn to walk, or if you put mittens on your baby, they will not learn to use their hands. It starts even before you are trying to conceive a baby — now you have to worry about your behavior in “trimester zero.” There is panic around every corner.

This idea that every moment matters also interferes with the nice moments! You’re reading a book on your phone, and your child is playing quietly by themselves. But … could you be doing more? Is this an opportunity to enrich them in some way? Or, actually, is it better if you do nothing? Maybe that’s the enriching thing? And wait, you’re on your phone. Is it bad to be on your phone around your kid? Should you be holding an actual book instead? Now you’re no longer enjoying your book; you’re either worrying or frantically googling the right thing to do.

The problem with this “every moment matters” mindset is that it makes every moment worse. It’s always a bad moment when your kid refuses to get their shoes on before school, and now you’re also going to give them a lifetime of anxiety. And the lovely moment of reading quietly is ruined by a need to figure out what is optimal.

The reality: yes, parenting matters. But the things that matter most in the data are the big things — that your kid has enough to eat, a safe place to sleep, people who love them. With those things in place, there’s basically no evidence that these individual moments matter. In fact, even the bigger decisions — to breastfeed or not, day care versus nanny, sleep training or not — these matter very little or not at all for long-term outcomes.

Let’s try “deliberate parenting” instead

Yes, many of us are obsessing too much about small moments or individual decisions and how they may enhance or ruin our children. We should do this less!

What I think would be a mistake, though, is to conclude that we shouldn’t think carefully about our approach to parenting. We shouldn’t be obsessive, but we should be deliberate.

I’m using deliberate here to mean on purpose and to suggest two key steps:

First: identify the important choices in your life. There are decisions your family will make that will impact how your days and weeks are shaped. It’s worth spending time identifying what those are.
Second: think carefully about these important choices, make decisions that work for you, and implement those decisions consistently.

When put this way, it may sound like a new frame on the same amount of obsessive work — and didn’t I just say that these individual decisions do not matter much? My argument is that even if there are many good decisions, there are going to be some decisions that work better for your family.

Let me give you an example: child care choices. If you are lucky enough to have multiple child care options, it is worth spending significant time choosing. It is probably a good idea to figure out the costs and, if one option is more expensive, to consider what else you’d spend that money on. If transportation would differ, you should think about the logistics and time spent. You should think about how you feel about this — if Grandma is an option, how does that sit with you emotionally? The right approach is to put this all together — the data, yes, but also your preferences and constraints — sit down, and make a fully informed choice.

The reason for this is not, however, because the choice is going to make or break your child. It’s not because — as the internet will sometimes tell you — “day care is a daytime orphanage” or “when you leave your child for the day, they think you died.” The reason you should think about this decision is that it will shape the way your family operates. It will inform your mornings, your afternoons, and your finances, and it may affect how you feel about your parenting. These are all really important!

Moreover, if you’re not deliberate about this, you might find yourself in a situation that doesn’t work well and causes frustration and unhappiness. If you’re fighting with your partner about child care pickup every day because you choose a far-away option without thinking it through, that’s going to make your life worse.

Why parents need a new approach

There are three main reasons why I think “deliberate parenting” can help us address parental burnout and anxiety.

First, thinking about your choices in advance takes the intensity out of each moment. You already gave this decision attention — it doesn’t need more. When we find ourselves in a moment of obsession, there is value in saying “Hey, actually, I already thought this one through, I’m good.” Or in saying “I haven’t thought this through, but that’s because this isn’t a big, important choice.” Either of these gives us much more protection than if we can only tell ourselves “Who cares? It doesn’t matter!” when we feel that, in fact, it does.

The second reason is that when we approach our decisions this way, we are inevitably going to think more holistically and take into account a broader set of family preferences and needs. Part of the definition of intensive is “concentrated on a single area,” and one issue with intensive parenting is that it tends to be uniformly focused on some kind of child optimization. In a family, there is a need for balance. Parental needs are also important. Sure, they sometimes get lower weight — part of being a parent is sacrificing for our kids — but that’s different from saying we shouldn’t consider what works for the family. Exhausted or unhappy parents aren’t good for kids, either.

There is a third reason to do this, which is that it will save you time. You will spend time on this up front, yes, but on the whole, having a plan is going to save you time and conflict down the line.

Closing thoughts

It seems clear that parenting is feeling too hard, too fraught, for many people. This needs to change. I don’t think — as I’ve heard some people suggest — that this is why people are not having children. But it’s making our experiences of parenting worse, and that’s a problem. We should change this, but not by deciding not to think about our parenting at all. This probably isn’t ideal for our children, and it’s definitely not going to be ideal for us.

Instead, focus on better decisions up front. Obsess less. But plan more.