I’m really looking forward to seeing the answers because I agree, some of the gentle parenting techniques don’t seem to work at such a young age. One thing I’ve found to help is that my toddler will melt
down when we give him choices that he doesn’t really need to make. For example, when selecting a show, I’ve learned to just pick a show for him instead of giving him options and then he melts down if it’s not the right one (even if it’s the show, he said he wants… “illogical” is the best word to describe this age sometimes!) But if I simply pick a show and start playing it, he enjoys it. I sometimes think choice is overwhelming at this age. Best of luck!

It became a lot more manageable for me when I started adding in a few things the current popular social media parenting influencers are very opposed to, namely planned ignoring and time-outs. Emily has some articles about time out specifically that you might want to look at if you’ve been told that it’s harmful.

Thank you for posting this! I can relate to the gentle, gentle, lose it cycle! We found scripts from Dr Becky Kennedy (Good Inside) and from Big Little Feelings to be really helpful. Also, I can sometimes (10% of the time but working on it!) stop and take a breath and wait a minute to respond when something isn’t dangerous. This really helps me to shake off the last frustrating moment and not let them accumulate which usually leads to the “losing it” cycle. I also think about something Dr Becky says about being gentle (validating, not shaming, teaching coping tools in calm moments, modeling coping) AND sturdy (keeping a holding boundaries, discerning when to stop a behavior and when to offer support and help instead). I feel like sometimes I lean too much on gentleness and want to fix my toddler’s feelings when what I need to do is support him and let the emotion pass and then teach coping and emotion regulation during calm moments. Know you are not alone and so many toddler parents are in the same boat and fumbling through this phase together!

It really helps me to remind myself that ‘This is NOT personal; my kid is not an awful asshole. Her brain is developing and all kids go through this stage’. And I remind myself this over and over again. This doesn’t mean don’t do anything, it just helps me manage my own frustration and puts things in perspective.

I would echo the Big Little Feelings method—I personally connected with the ‘don’t isolate the kid, just indicate that you hear them and hold the boundary that YOU as the parent need to’ strategy. And find ways to give yourself a break so you don’t burnout—results can take a while to see but it DOES happen!!

Also, I know lots of parents struggle to even respond when tantrums hit and BLF have scripts to help.

Our kiddo is 3.5 and I’m only just now starting to enjoy that the fun part of toddlerhood is balancing out the tough stuff. Hang in!!

Just before 2 years to around 27 months were honestly the hardest time. I was off for the summer and had planned so many fun activities and many times they were torturous or we just ended up staying home. I stopped telling we were going anywhere just in case we ended up going nowhere.
He’s 34 months and a sweetheart most of time. Just before 2 is still a little early for consequences but we did implement natural consequences. If he throws a toy, he can’t have that toy. If he refuses to clean up, then we cannot start the next activity (go outside, have lunch, pick a new game/toy etc.). When natural consequences weren’t available, we did a one minute time out with a timer. Returned him to the spot each time he tried to get out of it, didn’t speak to him for the whole minute. He’s up to 2 minutes now. I don’t like to do it, but it does seem to work. Once the time out is over, we talk about why he had to take a break and what he should do next time. Sometimes I ask him to apologize. This discussion is brief! It’s a wrap up to the time out. It’s not an additional consequence.

Even if a consequence doesn’t seem to work. Never double up on a consequence. Example: If he’s already lost the toy, he does not also get a timeout.

For food on the floor… he’s in a booster and we have some time out that way, just turned him and continued eating. But whenever possible will just take his food from in front of him and feed him ourselves until he’s ready to eat on his own.

I like the tactics implemented in the book Hunt, Gather, Parent. Specifically, don’t add attention / drama to the situation, remain calm (not angry – which can be the hardest part when they’re melting down), and let them have space while still letting them know you’re there for them. Essentially, let it pass. I prefer to do things though pre tantrum to hopefully avert one if I see one coming, and focus more energy on that piece, rather than waiting for a tantrum to hit and then figuring out a way how to calm the child down. Pre tantrum, I try to remain calm but firm when setting the boundaries (again, don’t give in to the drama and model calm), and try to remind myself that my logical reasoning may not resonate with their little illogical brains just yet – so I try out alternative play, distractions, etc when I see it coming to a push or pull crisis.

lol “gentle parent, gentle parent, gentle parent, lose it!” That is exactly my approach too!

Then I have to explain afterwards that I’m sorry I lost my patience and got frustrated. (But sometimes ask them, “Do you know why I got frustrated?” and they usually know exactly why. My kids are a couple years old though.)

First of all: Its a phase, it will pass and nearly every child goes through it. Second: You can’t “discipline” a two year old. You don’t really punish people for having emotions either. The tantrum itself is already stressful enough for them. All you can do is make sure they are safe, can’t hurt themselves or destroy things, and help them getting through it. The only thing I would not do is give in. Our daughter sometimes screemed for 1h because she didnt get what she want. She still didnt get it but we were there with her. We talked about it afterwards and I do feel she learnt from each. Kids dont enjoy tantrums either 😂

This era can feel like a roller coaster! For me, 2-4 yrs felt unbearable with one child but – dare I say! – delightful with another. A strategy for tantrums and limit pushing is great (planned ignoring, hand over hand assistance, moving their body or the offending object, other consequences). BUT, you also need a meta strategy because the days and weeks are LONG! For me, I realized that parenting influencers and spaces like these are the icing, not the cake. IRL extra hands and hearts and listening ears go a long way to helping you maintain a sense of self and support in the toddler era- some therapy, regularly scheduled time away doing something you love, easy ways for you and your partner to connect, etc. My kids- and my parenting and my relationship- have turned a big corners around 3.5, then 4, and 5 has been best of all! Good luck!

We struggled through this as well – hang in there! My husband and I have tried a few different methods. As our son aged, or day to day, different things seemed to work. For us, what has been most helpful is the the ParentData community, Good Inside (book), Hunt, Gather, Parent (book), and having nightly spouse check in’s. In our spouse check-in’s we talk about what worked that day & what didn’t, try to find some humor, maybe write in the journal we keep for our son so when he gets to this stage with his own kids he knows how we worked through it. Sometimes we also take a relay approach – if a tantrum starts with one parent, or one of us is sick/stressed already, we tag the other and go take a timeout away while the calmer parent remains in charge.

I think every child is different and my favorite advice is “parent the child in front of you” – like maybe the gentle parenting scripts don’t connect with you/your kid and that’s ok. Maybe they need some tweaking, or some physical additions (like removing from the table for food throwing, or putting a toy up high that’s causing drama, not like getting physical with your kid). Also the book “hunt, gather, parent” was really game changing for me. It looks at different parenting styles and techniques from all over the world. I don’t use everything presented, but it changed my mindset on many toddler parenting challenges in such a helpful way – particularly “battling” toddler wills.

Hang in there – you’re not alone. It will get better! For us, a few things that have been helpful include: ParentData community, Good Inside (book), Hunt Gather Parent (book), and nightly spouse check ins. In the spouse check in’s we check in on how each of us is doing, what did/didn’t work, and try to find some humor. Another thing we do is keep a journal for our son – we started it at birth and write memorable moments (when he started walking, as well as other life moments like throwing an epic tantrum at baggage claim, or biting a friend at school because they wouldn’t let his best friend be a super hero).

Hope this helps!

I’ll echo a lot of what people have said: be firm with your boundaries. And also, remember that you’re working towards long-term skills — dealing with frustration and disappointment, regulating emotions — that even adults have a hard time with. I’ve found that drawing a line (“I can’t let you throw food. I’m going to put your snack away”) and then taking actions to help your toddler when they are unable to regulate themselves is the most helpful tool that I’ve used with my kids (3.5 and 1.5). I use a neutral tone and don’t make it punitive. I see it as me helping them maintain a boundary, often one they need to maintain in order to make sure everyone is safe. I find Dr Becky helpful with these kinds of scripts. Also, redirect their energy: “we don’t throw food. If you want to throw, we can throw a ball.” Throwing food is so annoying and frustrating and burdensome…but it is also so normal. It’s a phase, and it will pass, but it is a long phase for sure.

I highly recommend the book “How Toddlers Thrive”. It made sense of the toddler nonsense for me and gave many practical ways to think about these years.

I would reframe how you think about your child’s tantrums. Based on my experience with my three kids, I don’t think a two-year-old needs much discipline in the traditional sense of the word. They need teaching about boundaries, socially acceptable behavior, etc. No matter what your approach, your child is unlikely to throw food forever, but they will continue to have big feelings and meltdowns (even adults have those!), so I think the goal is to teach them how to do those things appropriately and without hurting others.

A few other thoughts:
1) As far as I can tell, gentle parenting doesn’t really represent a research-based framework. It’s kind of an Instagram-y approach that means different things to different people. You can get some ideas from Instagram, but…
2) I highly recommend reading a book or two to help you develop a fully fleshed out framework/parenting philosophy to help guide your approach to these situations and other challenges that will arise as your kid gets older. (I don’t think you can get that from Instagram.) Several commenters have suggested books. I will add two more: No Bad Kids and The Whole Brain Child.
3) There is no one right way to do this, despite what Instagram may tell you. I think it’s important to do what feels right to you, what minimizes your frustration (but doesn’t eliminate it because that’s impossible in parenting), and feels like it works.

Good luck!

I am in this with you right now! I have a 3 and almost 2 y/o so we’re going through this stage back to back, which is challenging and rewarding (as all parenting has been/will be I suppose). I am reading “no drama discipline” and it’s been great. I can see the impact so I think it pays off, but it’s taken a good year of practice with our oldest (and these kids change so quickly it’s a constant re-learning/ Jedi mind game!).

I will also say (it took me a long time to figure this out) but looking at myself is also helping. Maybe you already have done this for yourself but if not (or for anyone else), listening to the audiobook of “How to love your kids without losing yourself” and it’s helped me not be so hard on myself when I’m not a “perfect” parent or person (I.e. in the “lose it!” moments). I hope this helps you or someone else. Learning how to be a parent while actually doing it at the same time is hard, we all lose it sometimes, but you are doing a great job!

So we’re doing the count to 3 and then time out in the corner where I have to stand there and keep her on there. It’s been relatively successful. However, I will say, I find these years VERY difficult. My daughter is testing every boundary. Hang in there!

Try practicing authoritative parenting with a stoic approach. Keep your presentation completely calm and respond to bad behavior with real, immediate consequences every time. It might go something like this: kiddo throws food on the floor, parent’s face immediately goes neutral, kiddo gets picked up and placed in timeout, parent says “you are in timeout because you threw food.” and nothing else. Repeat as many times as necessary but never, ever skip the consequence phase. A lot of parents I’ve seen try this method but give warnings or chances. Problem is really little kids don’t understand stacked information like that; they understand “if-then” but not “if this and that or that, then”. Also, it should go without saying, but authoritarian parenting is also not effective – the reason kiddo is in timeout should never be “because I said so and what I say goes”, they aren’t mind readers and will just be afraid of parents who do that often.

One thing that’s helped me not lose it: when I’m feeling pushed past my limits, I will name my feeling out loud for my daughter. Something like “mama is feeling mad because it’s time to go to sleep but you keep playing.” Or “mama is feeling mad so I need a little space.” I feel much better about showing my kid negative emotion if I name it clearly rather than “leak” it. It also helps keep me regulated. Good luck! This age is hard.

Thanks for hosting the discussion about responding to toddler tantrum behavior. I haven’t read them all (members of the community were contributing frequently as I started to type this note), but I recognized some of the responses on the public forum. The participants in the forum suggested some sensible ideas that corresponded with some of what researchers have found about managing tantrums.

I hope that, perhaps once the intensity of commenting has abated a bit, some one of you editors will take the time to summarize the comments and emphasize the most sensible, well-founded of them. There is (as sentient beings know) a lot of bogus or near-bogus content floating about on the Internet; providing parents with recommendations that are not spurious would be a great service.

In my discipline, people must address tantrum behavior of both the familiar variety and much more substantial forms. Some of the methods that we use (e.g., functional behavioral assessment, functional assessment) are necessary for those instances where a child’s tantrums go well beyond the usual or “normal.” Many of the recommendations we make, however, are quite applicable to the tantrums that parents routinely experience—and were hinted at or even explicitly stated in some of the foregoing comments.

Happy parenting!

Unpopular (in today’s gentle parenting world) opinion: time outs work wonders. We started doing time outs around 2ish, where I just take my son from whatever bad behavior he’s doing and move him a couple of feet and sit him down and stand near him. They last all of one minute. Gives him and I a break from the behavior. He can cry on the timeout or be mad or whatever but he stays there for the minute until I say okay time to get up and then we just move on. No lecturing through feelings or reflecting on what happened.
A lot of things we do time outs for we never actually get to the time out because I will do the “gentle parenting” technique of naming the feeling, setting the boundary and then saying if you hit mommy again it’s a time out.
Ex: son hits me. I stop him and say it looks like you’re mad that we’re putting these toys back. It’s okay to be mad but it is not okay to hit me. If you hit me again we’re going to have to take a time out”

We did a modified 123 Magic. One of the main takeaways my husband and I got from that book was for the parents to stay calm and rational. We would try to connect and educate first with what the child can do, like “hands stay to yourself”. If the behavior persisted we’d switch to counting. If they got a three we’d take them out of the triggering environment for an amount of time commensurate to their age in minutes. Once that time was up, we’d go on without bringing whatever offending behavior again.
The book is great at explaining that it’s not punitive but I have seen a lot of parents misinterpret the technique. It’s worked well enough for both my kids in that it has changed my behavior and my husband’s behavior to not yell and to deal with situations calmly and rationally.

With a 3 yo and 1 yo the biggest thing that’s helped me is anticipating + physically helping them hold the boundary. They don’t really understand and process words on their own, and they’re incredibly impulsive, so if I know that he/she usually throws food when upset at the table, I’ll see them getting upset and simply move the plate away until they’re calm again. If getting even more riled up, I might take them out of the chair and hold them. Food or plate throwing won’t last forever, even though it seems like it will.

That is around when we’re feeling really lost about how to handle the situation and frustrated because we had no tools or plan. 1 2 3 Magic really helped us have a plan for how to enforce rules. I think the hardest part is the no emotion, no talking.

I am a mother of four, and my youngest is now 3 and is 5 years younger than my next oldest kid. It has been so fascinating how much easier almost everything has been the fourth time around, not because my 4th kid is any less stubborn or difficult or tantrum-prone than all of my other kids were, but because I just worry and focus and tune in less to all of the problems that I know will basically resolve themselves if I manage not to lose my cool or pay them too much attention.

I know it’s not easy, but try not to overthink it or to worry too much when your 2-year-old is having a tantrum. That’s just a thing they do when they can’t deal! It’s hard to be 2! 🙂

I personally think that sticking to a plan / having a consistent response to a tantrum can feel very difficult because situations and moods and other factors vary so much.

Try to stay cool. Try to stay positive. Maybe distract yourself by getting busy with something else to see if that shifts the energy. A little benign neglect can be a lot better than a response that devotes a lot of energy / attention to a difficult behavior. Try to find the humor in it and to stay good humored. In my experience there is basically no point in “disciplining” a 2-year-old. Just model kind, calm, rational behavior as much as you can manage to, and let the stress of and thoughts about the tantrum go the moment it’s over.

Unless you have bigger issues at play (which certainly happens but is probably not the case), trust that your kid will outgrow this and try to be easy on yourself.

Fellow toddler mom and I’m holding solidarity through this beautiful and brutal time. My advice is two fold- Good inside with Becky Kennedy has so many great resources that feel totally approachable. And…boundaries. So simple yet so damn difficult!

Solidarity with anyone between 18-24 (30?) months right now! My 21mo kiddo is sweet and silly 90% of the time, but those irrational meltdowns are so hard. She got SO MAD when I turned on the toaster oven (the nerve!) and would not let her play with batteries or eat balloons. But the idea that I’d be “disciplining” her seems crazy. She only says about 10 words (we do a lot of signs) and does not understand much about safety. I do a lot of validating, remaining present, and then redirecting. If it helps anyone, the way I think about it is that getting her to stop crying or tantruming immediately is not the goal. Kids tantrum because they are having a hard time. As a therapist, please think of your kid as struggling, not “being bad.” Keeping her safe and me staying calm is the goal.

We also do a lot of the “say the thing you want them to do” like “walk please” instead of “don’t run” or “food stays on the tray” instead of “don’t throw food” but it honestly doesn’t do much. I feel like maybe it won’t until at least 24 months?

I see a lot of great comment and also wanted to add that Lisa Bunnage (Brat Buster) has some great tips. I like that she teaches “focus on the good kid” but also teaches how to redirect unwanted behaviors.

Any solid advice for my 2 y.o. little guy who is really into spitting (in inappropriate places) right now? Gah! Halpp!

Remember that we’re playing the long game. You’re not going to get instant (or even consistent) compliance from a 2 year old. But maintaining firm, loving boundaries and allowing them to have their feelings while learning the consequences of inappropriate actions is exactly what needs to happen.

There’s just a few principles we keep in mind w/ our 2.25-yr old son
1. Reward behavior we want to encourage
2. Allow him to feel however he feels, including angry, tell him we understand
3. Provide consequences (if he throws food on floor it stays there and/or mealtime is over, if he hits we will walk away, etc)

Sometimes we’ll sit on the floor while he rolls around screaming, reminding him we understand why it’s frustrating, but he cant have/do x, and we’ll be here if he needs us. Usually he’s good after a couple minutes at most.

I feel you! This stage has been SO trying for us. Our son is 27 months now, and there are days when he is the cutest most adorable cuddle-bug, and days where it’s like a scene out of the exorcist. Hitting, spitting in our faces, thrashing, screaming like some creature from Mordor. It has been VERY hard to figure out what triggers the bad days – whether he’s not feeling great because he’s congested and maybe didn’t sleep that well, or it’s just developmental, or he’s getting his 2nd set of molars in (they have been so slow) – or it’s just part of being a toddler.

Generally speaking, I’ve found that since his language skills have developed more, and he can speak in full sentences now, that has helped just slightly with tantrums. The year from 1-2 was really terrible tbh (he went through a month of boycotting naps just before he turned 2, and that sucked). The tantrums were more frequent than they have been since he turned 2, although they weren’t always as intense. He recently screamed for so long (because I wouldn’t turn on the tv) he threw up all over the living room, which was a first.

I did research a bunch of different books and podcasts to try to find strategies that would work – but I’ve found some things work on some days and not others. The reason behind the tantrum and behavior is variable. For example, is he throwing his plate on the floor because he’s not hungry and doesn’t want to sit down and just wants to play? Or is it because I served chicken and pasta and he wants a muffin and that’s not on the menu?

He had an evaluation for speech development and behavior last month (and scored within the “average” ranges for everything) and the evaluators commented on how self-directed and willful he was, and they tried to give me advice and tips for reducing hitting and tantrums for someone with his temperament. I found that the tips for toothbrushing have worked on some days (get him to brush my teeth or my husband’s) while we brush his teeth – it distracts him and he laughs while we make silly faces and open our mouths wide. Previously, the songs we’d sing, the brushing of his stuffed animals teeth, etc. didn’t really work because he always wanted to brush his own teeth, but would only suck or chew on the toothbrush.

The other things they discussed – like giving him food options so he can pick what he wants for example – just don’t work with him. If he has 3 different foods on his plate and he decides he wants something else, that’s it, there’s no changing his mind. He just won’t eat. And he can go for weeks like that. They also talked about having him involved in the food prep and cooking (more than just chopping stuff with his toddler knife, which he already does) – so we prepared mini pizzas together. He picked the toppings and assembled them. We put them in the oven together. He was all excited to eat them, and then picked everything off, took a nibble of the crust and spit it all out. I ended up eating all of them. At the end of the day, so much depends on your individual child’s personality!

The evaluators did stress that a consistent response is necessary – so if I tell him no food on the couch, but hey you can sit on the floor and eat, and he insists on sitting on the couch and I give in one single time because I can’t stand the screaming anymore – he’s going to remember that time! It is exhausting because there are some days where you just want the screaming to end, and you can’t take it anymore. And the crutch was often the tv. If I had work to do, or even needed to cook or do laundry or whatever, and it was bloody murder screaming and crying for hours, as soon as the tv was on he’d stop. I’d get my sanity back. So that did turn into a huge issue for us. We broke the cycle by stopping the tv cold turkey for weeks. It was rough. There was A LOT of screaming. I ignored him. He still asks for the tv occasionally but not nearly as often as he used to. It does help enormously that the weather has warmed up and we can go outside more now – over the winter that was really tricky, especially when you have a kid that is terrified of the snow!!

One additional thing that usually works with him (again not every day, but it’s worth trying it – and this only started working once he was able to express himself) is asking him some questions that give him a couple of options, and distract him from the problem. So for example when I went to pick him up at daycare the other day, he had some toys he was holding that he didn’t want to let go of. And the daycare teacher was like hey let’s give these to your friends. And he started screaming NO NO NO. We both tried a couple more things to get him to put them down but he wouldn’t. Instead of just wrestling them out of his hands (which I’ve definitely done before, but that would have led to hitting and spitting and rolling around on the ground), I said hey do you want to hop to the car or do you want me to carry you? And he said walk! I said oh you want to walk to the car? And he said yeah walk to car. So he let the toys go and we were able to leave.

Good luck!!