I’m so sorry to hear that your MIL is not respecting your wishes. I would be just as concerned as you.

I have not experienced your exact same scenario, but what I do have is a lot of experience setting boundaries with emotionally immature parents. My parents are not very involved in mine and my baby’s lives as they haven’t proven themselves to be trustworthy. They aren’t willing to care for my baby in a healthy, consistent, and responsible way. The layers of emotional protection I’ve been giving my baby can so easily he taken away by people who don’t respect my wishes as a parent. What I did not expect upon becoming a parent is that I would have to parent my own parents. Lol.

If I was in that situation, I would cancel the trip or modify it to be shorter or closer to home. Depending on how involved your wife wants her mom to be, I would consider reducing contact and/or having a courageous conversation with your MIL to explain the impact of her behaviour. I’d be honest and tell her the truth about your feelings as they are valid and reasonable. If she doesn’t handle it well, then she is making the choice to cause upset in the relationship (not you).

It sounds like your MIL is not ready to be responsible with your child regardless of any boundaries you may want to set.

I hope things get better. Wishing you well, fellow Canadian.

I find it deeply disturbing that you mil doesn’t respect you and your wife’s wishes. I’m not sure how long your vacation is but depending on length you may want to adjust your plans. I couldn’t imagine how long it would take you to get back into a routine when you get home if it’s been upended like that.
If you haven’t already you may need to lay out the consequences of her not respecting your wishes like limiting contact.
She is not the parent and while she doesn’t have to agree with your decisions she does need to respect them. This matter really isn’t about harm to your child. A night or two of movies and sugar won’t undo all the healthy eating and activity you and your wife provide. Missing kindergarten also isn’t the end of the world. So perhaps, if you haven’t already, explain that it’s not about the sugar and lack of activity, and more about her not respecting your parenting decisions she might see your side.

Good luck. I hope you get your vacation.

I agree with the other parents that have suggested a balanced approach. I would focus on the most important issue(s) and address those with my MIL. For us, that would mean the keeping secrets from parents, and maybe the going to school. I would explain why telling a child to keep secrets from their parents could be dangerous—-that it could be replicated and perhaps abided in a scenario that was much more harmful than too much TV or candy. I would also reinforce this one with my kiddos. And then I would probably let the other stuff go. Maybe if you have success with the priority issue(s) on this trip, you could revisit a new one the next time. I know it’s really hard to have your boundaries ignored—-I really struggle with this with our family as well. But I remember something Emily said on a podcast once, that parental anxiety and wellbeing actually have a much bigger impact on kids than many of the things we get anxious about. If taking the trip means you and your wife feel like you have the capacity to be better parents when you’re present, then that’s likely more beneficial than worrying over a few days of too much TV or sugary snacks.

Go on your vacation, you need it. Use the end of your time away to come up with your plan on how to go forward with in-laws. Your child in the long run will be okay. While it’s nuts she won’t send him to school, kids can get colds and be out of class for a week. Let the school know you are out of town and give her contact information. Maybe the calls every day asking where he is will guilt her. Also we as parents value school because parenting kids all day is hard so maybe she will find sending him to school actually helpful. It sucks but we as parents are trying our best to survive. Just remember soon your kids will be with you on pretty much all vacations and you can look for places with vacation services while there.

I have two pieces of advice – grandparent’s gonna grandparent and help them help you.

First, it’s the job of grandparents to overindulge their grandchildren. It’s what’s fun about grandma’s house! It’s what’s fun about being a grandparent! The only quibble I have is the “don’t tell mommy and daddy about this.” Have your wife tell her parents that that is the kind of thing pedophiles say to kids so, please, knock it off. Little jimmy is to tell you everything, especially if an adult tells them not to.

Second, pack little jimmy a special “grandmas house backpack” with some activities for her house: puzzles, coloring books, games or toys. Tell your child “grandma is really good at ___.” Then hopefully grandma will indulge the kiddo by playing (and have a grand ol’ time doing it) and it could feasibly snowball from there.

All in all, extra sugar and screen time are not reasons to ruin your relationship with your in-laws or strain their relationship with their daughter or your kid(s). Take the sugary, loving childcare and run.

Oh dear. I would be very concerned! I think the only answer is you can’t leave him there overnight any more, certainly not for an extended period of time and certainly not when he needs to be in school in the day. My kids have a later bedtime and more snacks at grandparents house, I think that’s pretty normal, but that’s only the odd weekend and occasionally in holidays. I’d honestly be tempted to just stop sending him there unless it’s a time when it doesn’t matter that he’s going to have all the sugar and little sleep. Don’t even necessarily have to have an argument and tell her that’s what you’re doing, just… stop doing it. If she questions it be honest and say that you weren’t ok with him having that sort of diet/bedtime routinely or for longer periods of time, and as she had made it clear she wasn’t going to change you are now only sending him when those rules are ok, which won’t include days when he should be in kindergarten or anything more than a night at a time (or whatever you are happy with).

The telling him to lie to you thing is a bigger issue and she needs to be told to pack that in or he doesn’t go at all. But if the situation is that he only goes when you’re ok with her rules, there’ll also be no need for her to tell him to lie. I’d keep an eye on that though.

I’m not sure I would leave my child under those circumstances, but I wonder if I they won’t see the consequences of their indulgences after a whole week of that.

I assume they actually want you to relax and enjoy your time with your spouse. Maybe point out that you can relax better when you know your kiddo is being well cared for. Or get your spouse to do the talk.

Would kindergarten call you if your kid is not there? At least that would give a way to check up on that.

I don’t think I could go on vacation under those circumstances.

For me, this would simply be a no. You’ve made the boundaries and they’ve been dismissed and ignored. A honest conversation between your spouse and their parents is needed. If that can’t or won’t happen, this is not going to change — and even if it does, it may not. And, in that case, you have two choices: deal with it or forego the childcare. Good luck, these things aren’t easy!

I have a very indulgent MIL as well, and what’s kind of helped is explaining why we want things done certain ways. My son is really sensitive and routines are so helpful for him to feel safe and know what to expect. So, we’ve told my MIL that we want him in bed and all the bedtime routine done by 8 at the latest because he is a much nicer and better behaved kid if he sleeps enough (think tantrum city without enough sleep). Also, once we come back from our trip, we will be doing the regular routine which means he’s gotta be able to sleep around 8 so that he can get up and go to school which let’s me go to work. If he can’t adjust back to the normal schedule then that has larger effects than just a grumpy kid. It messes with the whole family dynamic- if I’m dealing with a tantruming toddler there’s so many other things that get missed.

As far as food, that’s so tough. My MIL loves to sneak him sugar and is obsessed with making sure he eats enough (to the point where she’s basically shoving more food into him). I just constantly remind her that’s not how we eat at home. My husband has had to intervene and be pretty direct by saying do not give him any more sugar and we trust him to he listen to his body as far as how much he wants to eat.

I have to be firm and tell my MIL the consequences of her actions. If she chooses not to listen to my family’s boundaries and our expectations for how to care for my children, then she is being irresponsible, disrespectful, and clearly cannot be trusted to watch my kids. The consequence is that she will not be allowed to be involved in raising her grandchild. I know that’s really difficult when she’s the only child care option, but if it’s to the point where your child is not being cared for properly, then you have to intervene.

As far as kindergarten – you could remind her that public education is mandatory and that in some US states parents are held legally responsible and can be charged if their children miss too much school. (Idk what Canadian rules are). Also, I tell my MIL that daycare is a great opportunity for her to relax without the kids and I know that everyone needs some kid-free time!

I feel you, and I see the struggle you’re having. It’s really tough and unfair. The conversations are hard and uncomfortable, but you need to do what’s best for your family and your son.

Your virtual village is behind you. Activate your inner mama or papa bear and advocate for what your family needs. Wishing you all the best!

Of course the excessive tv and sugar, plus the late bedtime are problematic. The potential to miss school is even more problematic. But I think the biggest concern here is that someone who have presented to your child as a trusted adult has told your child “don’t tell mommy and daddy”. To me, that is a safety concern and an absolute deal breaker. Your child should have alarm bells go off in their body and mind if an adult ever says something like that to them. Your MIL is not only disrespectful to you and your partner and negatively impacting your child, but I genuinely view her as dangerous.

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Feeling out of control of your child’s situation is so hard and it is especially frustrating when people don’t respect your wishes. From similar experience personally, I would suggest a few things:
1) It is your MIL, so boundaries and difficult communications would be best handled by your wife. After you two have come to a decision on how to move forward.
2) it sounds like you may need to be more firm about your boundaries and requirements for them, and consider framing it as “if they would like to be considered as child minders for you…XYZ are our non-negotiable requirements”
3) pick your battles on what are non-negotiables. When they aren’t in your care, you just don’t have full control and letting go of that is hard but helpful.
4) lastly, when you are struggling with their lax and silly ways with your child…don’t forget that the vast majority of your child’s time and raising is within your home and it is there that you have control and that they will gain their values etc. While it feels like they will be forever ruined…they won’t. You’re a good parent and they will learn the most from you.

This is a tough one, we have the opposite problem so I’ll come at it from the “grass is always greener” angle. We have never spent overnight time away without our child in 3 years because my in-laws are unwilling to do it. So for me, I’d probably be okay with childcare that differed from my own approach in exchange for the ability to spend a few days of precious adult time. Especially because it seems like the grandparent genuinely is willing to do it & enjoys spending time with their grandchild (which again, is something I’m sad my child does not get).
I don’t want to diminish that it’s frustrating & disappointing that she’s not listening & not respecting your direction, but what would be the alternative? Are you willing to hire someone for overnight child care? Are you ready to take your kid on every vacation you go on?
Since you are getting FREE childcare from family, maybe you can align with her somewhere in the middle on non negotiable vs negotiable boundaries (like be flexible on screen time, but hold firm on attending kindergarten). Then hopefully you can maintain that relationship with your in laws for your family. It’s hard when people parent differently, but Grandparents are only around for a finite amount of time so if it’s a special relationship, I’d figure out a way to be flexible.

It sounds like this setup is not working. I would stop using them for overnight childcare, and work on finding other options. I know this is hard, and maybe impossible, but it just sounds like it’s not worth it. How much relaxation will you get on your vacation given the circumstances?

We have very little childcare help during the day (close to none) and zero at night. So I know how hard this is. Vacations are on pause right now, but that’s ok. We’ve adjusted and over time have found creative ways to relax. It took a while to get there, but it has gotten so much easier over time. We have a good relationship with my parents and in-laws, but only use them for very short term childcare (like I have a medical appointment) and I’m only ever a few minutes away. I think they were initially a little hurt, but our relationship is so much healthier for it. We can just be their kids and enjoy spending time together, without the business-like relationship of using them as a nanny.

It sounds like they are just not able or willing to offer the kind of care you are comfortable with. And, in my humble opinion, they aren’t obligated to. But for me this would mean, “thank you for the offer, but we just aren’t comfortable with it at this time. We’d love to have you come visit the kids at our house when it works for both of us.” And let them adjust. Maybe they will get the picture that they need to honor your wishes if they want a bigger role in your kids’ lives. Or maybe not. But this toxic lack of respect and boundaries will be removed from your life, and you and your kids will be better for it.

Please, please, please let the grandparents spoil the grandkids. I grew up with only one grandmother. She spoiled the hell out of us, but she was also “tough” in other ways. She was gone by the time I was 13 and I still miss her and that sense of being the best thing since sliced bread. Grandma’s house is supposed to be a soft place that allows for more indulgence than normal. It gets tough when it’s also a regular source of childcare, as most likely a childcare programs would have more structure/rules. But my personal feeling is that I would never go into a facility and tell them how to run it. I can share concerns, but ultimately, it’s their choice on how to operate. Same for Grandma. Your situation sounds like how my folks and in-laws treat my son. He’s a prince in their house, but he’s still polite and grateful. If it’s affecting his behavior, I’d consider switching gears, while still allowing indulgent grandma time that’s regular, but not as frequent. Do what you think works for you, but I’d try to strike a balance and pick the most important issue, i.e. school, and explain attendance is mandatory at his school and whatever else happens, he’s gotta go, while expressing gratitude that your son has such loving and fun grandparents that spoil him. Remember they raised the woman you chose out of every person in the whole world. Children desperately need as many people in the world that love them and they need them at different stages of their lives. My biggest perk when I married was gaining THREE grandparents from my husbands side, that yes, still spoil my husband (and me!) and also sneak cookies to their great-grandchild.

School is a non-negotiable. Everything else exposes child to different family experiences. I loved staying with each set of grandparents when I was a child. One set was very strict but also took me to museums, shopping, expected me to help in the kitchen. The other set left me on my own to explore the yard, meet neighbor kids, but expected me to be back to their house for meals and assigned chores. All different from my own home but important. But school should remain a strong and non-negotiable expectation.

Ugh my mom has been saying my house my rules as a catch all for everything she wants to do regardless of where she is FOREVER! The TV/candy def feels like some of the teenage slumber parties I had and while not good all the time they feel like a fun aspect of life on occasion. Who knows? Too much of it and your kids may decide they doing actually like feeling sick from so much candy! I remember when I wanted to start picking my own food and not eat what my mom picked. She let me do it for an entire day and I ate so much junk I vomited that night…it was an easy lesson to learn. The not taking to school is where I would set the boundary. That one feels out of line to me.

Hi Frustrated Dad,

I’m estranged from my in-laws, for very serious reasons that are akin to this that you write here of your in-laws ignoring your boundaries. It’s not a small matter, and honestly it is very concerning to what is happening when your child is with them, especially around the “don’t tell mommy and daddy”phrasing.

Parenting YOUR family is your responsibility. Just because your in-laws are your wife’s parents doesn’t entitle them to anything. At all.

As many others wrote, a huge red flag in what you write is stating she won’t to take your child to school. That’s a double issue: going against your wishes, and a conscious act of truancy.

Tips: Make sure you and your wife are on the same page about what to do.
I’d honestly limit contact with your in-laws, and amend this vacation. It might mean “no breaks” right now but your child’s psyche and emotional health will benefit from you standing up for them.

Script: “Hey, (child’s name) won’t be staying with you anymore because you stated you won’t take care of them according to our wishes.”

Good luck. You can do this!

This is certainly a tough situation. And really sensitive. Consider focusing only on what you and your partner can actually control: your own behavior.

When you decide to leave your child with someone else, you can no longer control their environment as much as you would like to. Are you willing to accept that? You have made a request of your MIL and it appears they are not willing to honor it. What are your options now?

Your MIL may not like if you decide not to let your child stay with them overnight. But your job is not to keep your MIL happy. Your MIl is responsible for owning their emotions. You can’t own their emotions. Are you willing to accept that? If you are unwillingly accept an unhappy MIL, then you have made your decision.

I heard Dr. Becky Kennedy say that setting a boundary means doing something that requires nothing of anyone else. That seems instructive here. In this case, you can find a different caregiver or decide not to leave your child with your MIL. None of those things require any action from your MIL.

It’s definitely hard. But if you focus only on what you can actually control, you will find clarity.

A final note: children are really resilient and raising children is a marathon, not a sprint. So while you may highly dislike how your MIL cares for your children, at the end of the day, you are likely the one spending 90% or more time with them. Your behaviors—what you are and are not willing to do—-are what matters most. It’s unlikely your children will be actually damaged from their MIL’s overindulgence.

This is so hard. I agree with the posters recommending separation of safety issues from sugar and TV, and picking your battles. We experience something similar with my MIL, but to a lesser degree (I’m confident she would respect our wishes about school). When our kids (ages 7 and 4) stay with her, they’re pumped full of sugar, stay up super late, and watch way too much TV. It’s become something very joyful for my kids even as it’s a source of deep frustration for my husband and myself, so we have backed off and started picking our battles. We’ve had some success with sending snacks with the kids — we think part of the issue is that it’s easier to give a sugary snack than to prepare a healthy one. We have also started sending games for the kids to play outdoors and telling them that they should go outside and play these games. It works about 60% if the time, which is better than 0% before. We also suggested to Grandma that she walk them to a nearby coffee shop. Of course they get a sugary treat there, but they also get time away from the TV and exercise. She likes this because it occupies the kids for an extended period of time. Win/win. We’ve also started sending activities that our kids love, and even keeping toys at Grandma’s so they have things to play that don’t involve screens. We’ve had to start thinking creatively! Good luck!

Is it really necessary or helpful to talk about privilege when a parent is asking for advice. This is supposed to be a supportive forum, not judgmental. I appreciate those that stuck to the issue and addressed it. When judged, parents are reluctant to come forward to ask for help. This dilemma is common and one of balance. Parents have to decide what they will accept and what is non negotiable in all sorts of situations. It might take time to figure this out in a way that preserves the grandparent relationship without giving up too many of your own expectations.

Maternal grandparent here: I try hard to listen to and follow the requirements of my grandchild’s parents. I know they are knowledgable of more current parenting and child dev info than I am with my 30 & 20 yr old kids. And I count myself lucky to have time with my grandchild so want them to know I respect them. If I disagree with anything I will speak up at an approriate time but follow their decision. All that said, I dont think you should forsake precious reset time with your wife to avoid your children staying with overindulgent grandparents. But the points you raise are serious – who wants non-stop TV for their kids nor should they miss school, even kindergarten, unless for some special outing. Grandparents are enriching or can be. I think there needs to be a serious discussion to set the stage for the future many years (after you absolutely ensure that your wife and you are on the same page). So sorry you have this issue.

This may sound overwhelming, but it is pretty normal to not take vacations without your children or leave your children over night with others. Parents-only vacations are a fairly new trend and it may be that you can drop some of the more overwhelming responsibilities in your lives, or take more frequent date nights using other babysitters so you don’t feel the need to be away from your son over night. I’ve found there is often a pretty big generational divide over whether or not grandparents owe their kids free babysitting, so it’s fairly likely that your MIL feels she is already doing you a huge favor to watch him and that it is really presumptuous of you to insist she do it in a way that will be more difficult for her. I’m guessing I will be shocked at how tired I am when I’m elderly, so it could be asking a lot of her to put more effort into this. If you can’t afford other help it might just be a luxury you have to forgo.

This is tough. I can only speak for myself as someone who has the option to interact and involve my family or not. We live far away and we are financially independent and do not need them for childcare. The power balance is in our favor. If they want to see/interact with their grandkids, they have to play by our rules. We try not to wield that stick with too much power. Even still, those conversations are tough and not something we look forward to.

We’ve found that addressing problems at the very first offence and not hoping that things get better is what works best for us. Then it’s still a small problem and the conversation can be quick.

For example, my mom posted a picture of my kid online when we said we weren’t going to be doing that. Had to ask her to take it down right away. She apologized and said she didn’t know the rule (unlikely but I’ll take it). But she knows that we hold the power. You want pictures of your grandkids? Gotta play by our rules.

Good luck!

If it’s in budget, I’d consider vacationing somewhere with a kids club. It’s basically full day camp with counselors, activities and other kids to play with, then parents handle dinner and bed. We can’t do this due to kid medical issues, but friends do and it sounds amazing! Good luck.

I’m going to begin by admitting that I’m envious of your quandary. My mother refuses to watch our child in general, much less overnight and my MIL, who would have, is no longer with us. My husband and I just took our first weekend away without our daughter (2.5) and it cost us $500 for a Friday at 5 through Sunday at 1. It was so wonderful for us individually and for our relationship, but sadly, based on the expense (that was sitter alone) is not something we’ll do frequently, even though we do well financially. I’m only adding this because this perspective seems to be missing from a majority of the responses to your question.

But from there, I’d ask 2 other questions. Is what you’re asking for reasonable (i.e. What do you expect two seniors to do to entertain what is likely a very lively 4 year old all day?) and are you providing support/resources to meet your expectations (i.e. Are you bringing snacks you prefer she’d eat instead? Providing prepared activities or tickets to museums or the zoo or other things to keep your daughter busy that you’d prefer to tv?). If not, that might be a place to start.

Assuming that you are and that your wishes still aren’t being honored, then you have a choice. You either accept the free care with its limitations, find a sitter you can pay to meet your expectations (you’ll still have to set them up like you would in the above paragraph) or you decide it’s too much for you and you stay home.

If you accept the care with limitations, some perspective could be healthy. One angle-you’re on vacation and so is your kiddo (she’s with different people in a different place and enjoying a reprieve from her usual routine). Another perspective is that while excessive screen time and sugar aren’t ideal, they’re not going to cause extreme, long-term damage. I grew up eating entirely too much sugared cereal and watching too much tv in the 80’s and 90’s, and here I am with a doctorate, working in a well-paying and respected role in my field, working out 5 times a week and eating a balanced diet. So, regardless of what I was like pretty regularly at 4 or 5, I’m a different person now.

Assuming you’re still with me and you’re going to take your vacation, I’d pick my battles. I’d say something along the lines of “I really appreciate that you’re willing to watch our daughter. We know that’s not something every set of grandparents would do, and we really appreciate it. We are also grateful that our daughter gets to know her grandparents, spend time with you and have a great time. We hope you’ll do whatever makes you all happy this weekend, as long as (daughter) is healthy and safe. That said, it is very important to us that X goes to school because (insert your reasons here). It’s also important to us that we keep lines of communication open because we don’t want our daughter keeping secrets from us (or you). So, while we do things differently than you do, we ask that we all communicate openly about those things.”

Life is short. Your in-laws won’t always be around, and you won’t always have this kind of support. Be grateful that you have it, put the issue in perspective, and set your boundaries, but choose your battles.

Sounds awful. I’m so frustrated for you! However, I think you need to go with your gut here. If this were my family, my child would not be left alone with the in-laws and would certainly never sleep over. I recommend reading this book: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself.

Is budgeting for childcare while on vacation within your budget? I’d rather pay someone to take care of my child in the way I see fit than deal with this dysfunction. Good luck to you.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation! I heard something recently that I found really helpful in how to frame these types of issues- would you rather the problems that come with community or isolation? Either you have community (your in laws) that join in, but bring some problems with them. Or you isolate, and you deal with the problems that come with that. Just some food for thought 🙂

In regards to this specific situation, however, I wonder (1) how old your kids are (how long have you been feeling this way?) and (2) how does your partner feel? These are your partner’s parents. I believe they should be the one to take the lead in setting boundaries with their parents. But first you and your partner need to get on the same page. Do they also see this behavior as a problem? Are there areas they think is fine (like tv) but some that aren’t (like missing school)? Once you align on the boundaries you and your partner want to enforce, have a conversation with your in-laws. Make it clear how you feel and what is making you uncomfortable. If your MIL doesn’t agree and refuses to meet you in the middle, then it’s up to you to decide- will you keep sending your kid there solo and deal with the behavior you don’t condone? Or will you only see grandma while supervised so you can make sure it’s activities you approve of?

Of our grandparents, it’s my parents that cause the issues. So we don’t leave our kids alone with my parents. I get comments and frustration from them, but these are my kids. If they want to see their grandkids (which of course they do!), then they follow my rules (within reason- I also do my best to relax with them around because I want them to also be happy and have fun with my children!). My partner and I have discussed what behaviors and activities we’re comfortable with and which we aren’t. And we’ve communicated that clearly to my parents who now toe the tie (even if begrudgingly and with some passive aggressive comments to me… I can deal. I like them having a relationship with my kids).

I hope some of this is helpful- ultimately these are your children and you should be able to take time off without stress! If you can’t, see what you can do to make a change. Good luck!

I don’t have much to add but will chime in as a former Kindergarten teacher and child psychologist (and someone who just went on a 10-day vacation while my kids stayed with my in laws!). I highly recommend holding firm about keeping your son in his routine while you’re gone…it’s not about what he’s learning, it’s about the consistency. This will give him less anxiety about you being gone, it will be less difficult for him to adjust back to routine when you return, and will give him some distraction. It will also keep your in-laws from getting in touch with you all day long with every question/concern…and if he has a hard time being out of his routine while you’re gone then that means extra stress and worry for you all week. Keeping him in school would also indirectly reduce his sugar and tv intake, so win, win! You could even go so far to say that you’ve informed the school and his teacher that he’ll still be in attendance, that way if he’s not there the school can follow up. This way, by picking the most important/impactful thing they may not feel like you’re micromanaging them and may be more willing to accommodate? Like others have said, if your wife can have the conversation with them from the angle that this is really important to you for things to go smoothly while you’re gone and once you return, it may frame it as less of a criticism on their grand parenting style.

This is probably a long shot, but I would also recommend having them stay at your house during the trip to help maintain consistency for your son. This could help reign your in-laws in a bit too because they’d be a little bit out of their domain, you could have control over what food is in the house when they arrive, etc.

These things are not going to hurt your child long-term. I really see this as a non-issue.

For me, there’s almost no ability to set boundaries. My parents do not care what my rules are, and they will not (/cannot) adjust their behavior. I had a lot of frustrating talks with my husband about it, and we tried a number of things. What has unfortunately worked the best for us is to accept that having a relationship with their grandparents is worth the harms they come with- except for things which constitute what we consider to be unreasonable threats to their safety (examples of this were our hard line rules on no food in carseats, no blankets of any kind in crib, no cosleeping). When those kinds of rules are violated we have a serious talk about whether they can be alone with grandparents. Otherwise we know we have to readjust our kids to rules and boundaries when they return.
Unfortunately, my husband’s family serves as a stark reminder of the usefulness and beauty of letting things go. My husband’s family (mother, father, and three adult siblings who still live at home about 2.5 hours from us) have very little contact with our children. I wish my parents could honor boundaries, but unless they’re truly toxic people, to me the trade off is very worth it.

I meant to add, to me, the worst part of what you’re describing is the “don’t tell mommy and daddy…” part. That will probably lessen or go away if you don’t enforce the boundary, but that one would be my hill to die on. I work in the court system and I hear that phrase a lot associated with far more nefarious behaviors. I tell my children no adults should ask you to keep secrets from them, and I would tell my mother in law that’s teaching the children a dynamic which normalizes them to accept it from child molesters, so stop.

I was all set to say something about how if you’re getting free childcare you might need to adjust your expectations, but then I got to the part about “don’t tell mommy,” and “we won’t be taking him to kindergarten.” Yikes! There are such things as overnight nannies… But obviously an ideal solution would be to resolve the issues with grandma and grandpa. As a doula I always encourage new parents to take responsibility for setting boundaries with their own parents. They should be in charge of those conversations, not the son-in-law or daughter-in-law. One approach might be to talk to your child—it’s possible she would prefer to go to bed at her normal time, or bring along a Candyland game or a birdfeeder kit to do with grandma or grandpa. Things might look different to grandma if it comes from your child that she’s tired of TV and misses the healthy food she’s used to. You might be able to couch discussions with grandma in terms of “missing home,” and wanting to keep things familiar so that your child is happy away from home. If your child will miss being at school and will be happiest sticking to normal routines, this is a great angle to take with someone whose singular motivation is keeping your child happy. Good luck! Hope you get lots of good suggestions here!

What does your wife think of this? Because forget the merits of any of her overindulgences,she’s telling your kid to keep secrets from you, which is absolutely beyond the pale. What really matters though, is you have to get on the same page with your wife about this; if she doesn’t see the problem, you actually have a marriage problem, not an in-law problem. If she sees the problem but is too chicken to stand up to her mother, you need to help her find a spine.

Your MIL loves your child, she is just showing it in a way that you don’t want her to. One thing to consider is whether or not she has any physical limitations for caring for your child. My mom won’t take our toddler anywhere because she can’t buckle the car seat, but she has a hard time admitting that. I agree with the other person who suggested that book about Emotionally Immature Parents, it’s life changing! Maybe you find a parent friend at kindergarten who can pick him up and drop him off for a couple days. Please go on vacation. It’s been 4 years. You deserve it.

For me personally I would attempt this trip (you mention it is your first) and evaluate the fall out afterwards before officially claiming “never again.” How she treats your child around you or for overnight visits may be a lot more intense and indulgent that how she will behave when she’s responsible for them for several days on end. If you get home and it really did seem like a nightmare, then you can state “never again” with greater confidence.

You’d think your wife could just beg her mother to please treat her child the way that she raised her own daughter. Parents of adults boggle my mind sometimes.

I’m sorry, but this is unacceptable. I would not send my child over there anymore. My grandparents would “indulge” me with a piece of chocolate- but not sending a kid to school, disrupting his evening routine, tv for 6h? Nope. You say you don’t have any other childcare- that’s incorrect. Find a great nanny and pay them what they’re worth and make sure they follow your wishes in how to parent. Or bring your kid on trips with you- we do it (our child is 3) and it’s so much fun.

With you in solidarity; so no trips or overnights planned on our end. I feel differently about “ spoiling” than most commenters. I would love it if my in-laws would spoil my five and eight-year-old boys! They are retired in their 60s financially stable, and yet we only rely on them for care when we have no other choice. to me spoiling is not sticking my kids in front of the TV all day and ordering pizza. That’s laziness. Spoiling would look like taking them to the zoo taking them out for an ice cream, taking them to the movies buying them a cool Lego set and sitting down and doing it with them. The real bummer for me is that the grandparents are truly uninterested in my kids.

So much good advice here. I just want to say that wow, your MIL sounds lazy. Yes it’s easier to plug a kid in for hours and hours and give them whatever sugary foods they want, especially if not doing so would result in tantrums. But this goes beyond spoiling or grandparent indulgence, to me. With taking the school thing into account, it’s negligence! And add keeping secrets on top… yikes. (I’m in the US, though, and we have attendance laws.) The only child-free night I’ve ever had is when I was in labor with my second kid. I’m sure a child-free vacation would be nice, but I wouldn’t leave my child with this MIL. She sounds like trouble.

The way you have framed this question is that you are deciding whether to put up with your in-laws disrespecting your parenting wishes in order to 1) get free child care and 2) protect your relationship with them. But there is a third – and I would argue more important – thing at stake here: if you say “never again”, it is not just your relationship with your in-laws that you will be harming, but also your child’s relationship with their grandparent.

What does your kid say? Do they like being with grandparents? Do they feel safe with them, and cared for? How does he seem when he comes home? If your kid has a positive relationship with their grandparent, then perhaps you should be considering this as the main loss if you say “never again”.

It’s hard to know without more context for the relationship with your inlaws, but my mother does very irresponsible things with my kids (not dangerous per se, but similar to the kindergarten thing above) and it’s part of a broader pattern of doing/saying things that any reasonable person would disagree with. I’m not talking about extra sugar and TV. I’ll spare you an overview of all of her emotional immaturity and mental health issues, but a main driver is looking to get a reaction out of her adult children and asserting that she get to do what she wants – not us, “the children.”

If you think this is a similar dynamic, you may decide to set firm boundaries and have consequences for when they are not respected – and be comfortable with the likely result that those consequences will likely need to happen and your kids may not be able to have as regular visits as you would like. Unfortunately my sibling and I do need to limit the time our kids spend with their grandmother because she is so erratic and it’s confusing for them to get mixed messages, especially given how she says bad things about our parenting. Remember – if you set clear boundaries and they are violated, the parent was the one who caused the result of not being able to see the kids as much. They made the decision – don’t accept the guilt trip, it’s part of the broader manipulation/ power struggle.

I mean what reasonable person wouldn’t just accept the parents’ wishes that the kid still goes to kindergarten and keep a routine? It’s not just about her opinion on kindergarten. And the “oh you are just uptight” bs is total gaslighting, don’t fall for it.

When I was growing up I had a grandparent who, when charged with looking after my brother and I, would take us to a local bar and give us money to buy potato chips and play the slot machines while he socialized with his friends. Certainly not something my church-going “almond mom” approved of. However she let it happen because she saw the value in us building relationships with that generation and experiencing life outside of our middle class bubble. Instead she would raise conversations with us at home about the harm of gambling and excessive drinking. In that way we were able to anchor our experiences with this grandparent in our own family values.

My brother and I turned out fine, neither of us are gamblers or alcoholics. Likewise I’m sure your child won’t turn into an overweight couch potato on account of a few visits with grandma.

I’d take Elsa’s advice on this one and let it go 😉

You can do your best to express your wishes in a respectful way (and I agree that this best comes from your spouse once the two of you are on the same page). At the end of the day, while you describe this dynamic as toxic, I also have to believe that there aren’t any actual safety concerns as we would then be having a different conversation. How often does your MIL actually have this sort of free-reign with your son? Is it possible that there is a benefit to him learning that different households have different rules, and that this is actually okay and to be expected? Grandparents feel they’ve earned the overindulgence, and in many regards, I think that they have. I bet your MIL learns the hard way that she should have sent your son to school – kids have a way of exhausting their grandparents! Pick your battles, give it time, and don’t take forfeiting this kind of help (and ultimately love) lightly.

I haven’t read all the comments, but in case nobody has mentioned it yet, I just want to chime in to say, the one whose parents are causing conundrums needs to be the one to bring it up and lead the conversation. The spouse can be there supporting them, but if THEY lead the charge then you don’t have to be the bad guy.

Is it possible to have them watch the kids at your home instead of theirs? You might be able to control what is available to eat/ watch a little more that way.

If I were in your shoes, I would never allow my child to spend any alone time with your mother in law. Zero. She has clearly shown herself to have terrible judgment and undermines your (healthy and normal) wishes.

You don’t need to make any dramatic announcements or confront her, though. Keep inviting her over from time to time, as long as you are present. That will keep the relationship from deteriorating too much.

But you need to prioritize finding alternative childcare. If you are unable to afford a babysitter right now, then cultivate relationships with trusted neighbors or family friends.

Maybe alternate taking care of a friend’s child and then having them take care of yours.

There are solutions to everything but your mother in law is not one.

I have a question for you: how much are you going to enjoy this break knowing that your child is in an environment you find so problematic? Will you relax, getting genuine quality time with your spouse or any of the peace a vacation should bring? If not, is the time away theoretically meaningful but practically just a stress?

Sadly, I hear this situation more than “my family members are so wonderful and such amazing help!” When it comes to child care, the system and society is failing us (no wonder birth rates are at an all time low) Grandparents are typically useless, neighbors / broader community are focused inward, child care is absurdly expensive, and last min child care is non-existent. But we figure it out as parents, making endless sacrifices, while grandma luncheons at the club. I know they’re our parents, but when did this become acceptable behavior? – mom who needed a rant.
Rant over and actual advice: go on holiday where there are kid clubs (try Europe they are very family friendly) or offer an all expense paid trip to a nanny or babysitter with the stipulation that they watch the kids some of the time. Good luck

Now I know your child is a bit young for this and you want to protect them but…
This was my grandparents, I remember one specific afternoon when I had an overnight visit with them. I had all the treats and television I wanted. I realised that what I was doing didn’t make my body feel good and I needed to make a change. Firstly, I felt sad that my grandparents had just let me watch a full day of TV without really engaging with me. Then I found something else to do that did make me feel good.
I, the child, took control of the situation and moderated the amount of treats and television I had for the remainder of the visit.
So my advice is don’t sweat it too much it is a life lesson that will workout in the end.

Can you add in a little paid help in order to help set your boundaries? I.e. pay a babysitter to drop him off at kindergarten and make sure he has a healthy snack/breakfast beforehand? Maybe paid versus free childcare doesn’t have to be all or nothing for overnights like this? Good luck with this very challenging situation.

Eeesh that sounds completely understandable that you are concerned. I look at it this way: is the stress the grandparents are causing worth the “stress-less” child free time? For me personally who is not close with her mother, the answer for me is “no”. It would be far more stressful to leave my child with my mother than to be with my child and to have a night free away from her. I MAY feel different if I had multiple kids but maybe not. Anyone taking care of your child should do so with the intentions of causing me less stress not more. And if you are out to cause more stress as this grandmother seems out to do, you don’t need to be in our lives as much. Your child can still see their granparents and have a relationship with them. Will it be different? Yes. But it can still be great.

I gotta stop you right there on “child-free vacation” – that’s a huge privilege and not a right. Unless you have the funds to leave your child overnight with a nanny that knows your parenting style and family boundaries and is a person your child is comfortable with, then you are otherwise at the whim and mercy of your free childcare options such as grandparents. I can deal with a child hopped up on sweets and the screen time. A short visit with this MIL you’re describing might be tolerable every now and then, but leaving your child with someone like this for several days who uses language such as “Don’t tell your parents” is not okay and puts your child in an uncomfortable position as well. I wouldn’t confuse a child this age by having them spend hours/days with caretakers that break your boundaries and basic principles of trustworthy childcare.

Last thing on a comedic note – is this lady trying to throw hints your way that she’s not that into childcare without saying it? It sure feels like it. Sounds like she wants to be someone you visit, but not someone who has to babysit your kid without you. Constant engagement with a toddler takes REAL energy that even I don’t have (my husband takes that role for us).

This sounds really frustrating, and I want to first say that I feel for you!

A friend once said to me, “there’s no such thing as free childcare.” And man is it true! When we parents have others watch our kids, it means giving up a lot of control. In your case, it sounds like the loss of more than a lot of control.

Is there ONE over-consumption piece at your MIL’s that bothers you the most? The sugar, the TV, the lack of school while you’re on vacation? If this were my MIL, I think I would pick ONE battle (and for me, it would probably be school, because the loss of daily routine would likely be the most challenging for my own kids).

I can say that in my own experience, I’ve learned to lean into the loss of control that I have when my kids are with my in-laws or my parents’ house (my kids see my in-laws multiple afternoons each week, and my parents every weekend). At both grandparents’ houses, rules are way different than at home. Overindulgence is the name of the game with my parents — and actually, under-indulgence can be an issue at my in-laws! (No TV — but also frequently a single bagel for dinner, or literally a single tortilla! I’ve learned my kids will be hungry if they have dinner at my in-laws’ house.)

But what I have realized is that my kids love being with their grandparents, and they love having the change in routine — and rules. And they know that at our house, those rules (or lack thereof) don’t apply. And I am grateful for the “free” childcare.

In your case, it sounds like there are some extremes to potentially address — because it sounds like they make you uncomfortable! But I do think that there’s some benefit in saying “eff it” when you drop your kids at the door of their grandparents’ house. So long as you know they are safe, and loved, and cared for, then you’ve done what you can do. And your kid(s) will probably have wonderful memories of grandma’s house. 🙂

We had a parallel experience when my baby was born: we wanted everyone to mask, and on Thanksgiving, no less, my mother showed up not wearing one and, for lack of a better phrase, threw a fit that she was expected to wear a mask (around a 10-day old baby while covid was still lingering).

This scenario was more confrontational than yours but involved similar factors: lack of boundaries and lack of emotional maturity from a grandparent. We ended up in a deep confrontation that had been stewing for years (due to contributing other factors).

Confrontation is uncomfortable, can be scary, etc. But today, months later, after a lot of difficult but also productive and even healthy conversations (and therapy), we are better. My mother is a huge and critical participant in caring for our child – with whom she has a beautiful, trusting relationship.

My advice: dive into the stickiness with integrity and work hard through the hard stuff with the hope that you all might end up better for it. You might be grateful.

This sounds really frustrating. A few ideas: A) It doesn’t sound like anything is immediately harmful — your kid is not consistently coming back injured, nor exposed to cigarette smoke, getting left unfed or anything wildly dangerous. Is it possible you could let go of your typical preferences to benefit from the free babysitting? Maybe the answer is no and that’s fine- it’s your kid. B) I would recommend reading Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban. That will give you a system for communicating your boundaries. That said, you have to be willing to walk away. C) I’d also reflect on why is your MIL the only option for childcare right now? This minimizes your leverage. Are there babysitters, friends, neighbors who would be more aligned with your values and preferences that you can lean on in the future? … D) Get centered. You’re in control of choices you make for your fam and your kiddo. So you can reflect on whether this situation is frustrating but worth it; or if you want to go in another direction. Lots of love and power to you and your fam!

Late to the party just to add that it may be helpful to talk with the MIL about where her values and your values are coming from in this situation. I would come at this from the perspective that you both care deeply for your children and want the best for them. MIL probably feels that her “role” (as many others have articulated) is to overindulge and “spoil” your children since this seems to be the dominant cultural narrative. Maybe this is how she feels she is best able to express her love and care for her grandchildren. Maybe she feels that time spent with grandparents holds more value than time spent at school. Perhaps this is how she feels able to bond with her grandchildren. Meanwhile, you know that a child feels safest when they are not the ones in control, when bedtimes and mealtimes are adhered to, when meals are balanced, and when they get adequate sleep. I wonder whether you could sit down together and have a conversation that starts from the shared ground that you both have of wanting the best for your children, and then have a conversation about what would be best for them. Maybe staying home from kindergarten a few days to bond with grandma is okay, but because sleep is important maybe she adheres to a reasonable bedtime, for example.

I also think it is important to trust your instincts. A lot of comments I’ve read here are dismissive of your interest in taking time away, dismissive of your interest in holding certain boundaries for your child, etc. You know yourself and your child best. You know what you need. You know what your child needs. Go with your gut on that. What works for one person may not work for another.

OP here. Just wanted to extend my heartfelt thanks to all of you who provided suggestions and input. I don’t have a huge parent community to talk things over with, so I found all of this discussion extremely helpful.
Thanks to everyone here, we have a good idea of how to move forward. I can accept that it’s probably not the end of the world to overdo the sugar and TV for a few days. And we will be setting firm boundaries in the future regarding the things that matter most to us (i.e. missing school) and certainly any safety issues (keeping secrets from parents), though it may mean making some sacrifices.

How frustrating! You hope that family can be a trustworthy source of support as you raise your family, but alas that’s not always the case. Remember that setting boundaries is for you, not for others to adhere to. Just like you’d tell a small child “I will not let you hit me”, it sounds like this boundary is “I will not let you ignore my wishes for how to care for my child”. Even though it’ll be tough in the meantime, start brainstorming ways to come up with other options for child care where the care giver listens and respects you as the child’s parent. Also, where is your wife in all this? She should be standing with you on this issue, and I’d argue be the one leading the charge – since it’s her mother after all.