Will a nanny hurt my flowering bond with my seven-month-old? How do one-on-one caregivers impact parent attachment with babies? Please ease my mind and (broken) heart!
—Sad new mom back at work
First, I am sorry you are sad! It’s easy in this situation for people to say, “Oh, don’t feel sad, your baby is doing great” or “You’re so lucky you can afford a nanny.” You might be lucky! Your baby is probably doing great! But it’s still completely normal and appropriate to be sad. It’s also normal and appropriate not to be sad. All feelings are normal here — we are all muddling through. So take a moment to acknowledge these feelings for what they are: you’re sad, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve made the wrong choice.
Second, to your question. Infant-maternal attachment is commonly tested with something called the Strange Situation test. You can read more about it here, but basically it involves bringing mothers and infants into a lab setting and seeing how the infant reacts to separation, stranger exposure, and reuniting with mom. Through this test, researchers aim to measure secure attachment.
There are, of course, variations across infants in their attachment. But data doesn’t suggest this is associated with the care environment (see, e.g., here). One study from Australia actually finds more secure attachment in infants whose mothers showed more commitment to an early workforce return. There isn’t strong evidence that the attachment your child has to you will be influenced by the presence of a nanny.
Third: I want to give you a heads-up about a few things that will happen, so you are ready.
One is that sometimes your kid will cry when you leave them with the nanny. Also, sometimes they will cry when you come home and the nanny leaves. This is okay. It is normal. It doesn’t mean they hate you, or hate the nanny. They hate transitions, or their foot hurts, or they are hungry. Do not read too much into this!
Also, once they are talking, they will sometimes call you by the nanny’s name. This doesn’t mean they do not know you are their mom! They’re just talking fast. The same way my mom called my brothers the wrong names a lot. It doesn’t mean anything.
Bottom line: If you have a nanny your child loves, it’s a gift. But it doesn’t mean you aren’t the mom.
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