My kid is starting to become really good friends with a couple of classmates and they asked for a sleepover. I’m not sure how to navigate this, and I’ve never met the parents before. When’s the right time for a sleepover? How do I know she’s even ready? I need some guidance on this.
–Anonymous
To deal first with the elephant in the room: sleepovers worry some people because of concerns about abuse or bullying. I’ve written about this before, with the bottom line being that of course these are natural worries for parents, but they aren’t necessarily reasons to avoid them.
Even if you’re comfortable with the idea of sleepovers in general, though, your questions are hard. When is the right time? How do you know your kid is ready?
First answer: you do not. The first sleepover your child does will be unpredictable. Sleeping at a friend’s house is often very different from (say) sleeping over at grandma’s. Even if your kid is a champ at that, they may find a friend’s house more difficult.
Second point: I’ve talked before about sleepaway camp, and in this interview we talked all about homesickness, and how one huge value of camp is pushing through homesickness and how you should not pick your child up at camp even if they say they are sad. This is absolutely true and also not at all relevant for sleepovers. Summer camps are designed to deal with homesick kids. Your child’s friends’ parents are not. This is to say, at the first sleepover, be prepared to possibly pick them up.
Putting this together: I would view a first sleepover as an experiment. If your child expresses interest, whenever that is, it’s worth trying! But the trial should be with a friend whose parents you know, where you’re comfortable picking your child up (or having the parents pick their kid up if you’re hosting). And you should set the expectations with your kid in advance: you might miss me, and that’s fine, and if it gets too tough, you can call.
If it doesn’t work the first time, you can try again when they are older. The key here is to keep it casual, keep it positive, don’t overthink it.
Final point: When my son turned 8, he had a sleepover for his birthday and there were perhaps eight children in my house. My son slept fine. No one else did (including me). The kids were very happy! But they were happy running around at 3 a.m. The next day, I thought I would die — I hadn’t been that tired since my first child was three weeks old and I was crying on the couch. My point is, don’t have the first sleepover involve more than one other child.
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