What Should I Do About Unbearable Day Care Drop-Offs?

Is there any data/sound guidance on how to deal with day care refusal? My 2-year-old used to love going to day care, but for the past couple months, he has been distraught at drop-off. He also tells us multiple times every day, including on the weekends, “No school, no school.” Nothing we have tried (reading books with him about going to school, talking about how we always come back, etc.) seems to have made a difference yet.

I am worried that we are traumatizing him by leaving him at day care when he’s so upset, but I’m also not sure if lingering and prolonging the goodbye in an attempt to calm him down is helping or making things worse. My husband is more in the “quick goodbye” camp, and I’m more in the “lingering” camp — I’m worried about damaging our bond if I leave while he’s crying. Is there any sound advice on what to do here?

—Guilt-Ridden Mom of a New Preschooler

First, all the empathy. This is tough, and it’s something I know many of us can relate to.

More practically, I see you as having two questions here. Your last question is the more concrete, easier one: Is lingering a good idea? The common advice you hear is to just leave. Smile big and wave goodbye, even as your child clutches at you. Easier said than done, of course. And I wish I could tell you there is some great randomized data on these approaches. There isn’t, but we do have more anthropological evidence, from observations of preschool drop-offs, which does suggest that leaving quickly is better than lingering. The combination of this and the widespread experiential learning from child care providers supports the view that your husband’s approach is probably better here.

A baby cries on their parent's shoulder during daycare drop-off. — Getty Images

Crying at transitions — pickup, drop-off, moving between activities — is common for kids. It’s okay, it’s normal, it generally gets better. There is nothing in the data to suggest that your bond will be damaged if you leave while he’s crying.

The harder question is whether this is overall the right setup for your family. The drop-off problem you cite is a very common one, but ongoing distress outside of the moment of drop-off is at least somewhat more unusual. This is a place where I might suggest you use some tools from my book The Family Firm — specifically, the Four Fs.

Frame the question: Is there an underlying question here about whether you should try to change your child care setup? Is that a feasible option or something you’d consider? Or is the question just, how can we improve the current situation? I think it is worth interrogating whether there is, in fact, another option you are considering.
Fact-find: You may already have some of this information, but, especially if you are considering other options, I’d sit down and try to get more detailed information about what is going on. Is your child happy at school? How often does he really bring up disliking it? (As in, it may seem more frequent than it is, just because it is so upsetting.) Is there something that triggers it? The more you can understand objectively about the situation, the better.
Final decision: With the facts in hand, make a decision about what to do. In this kind of situation, it’s easy to let these thoughts occupy basically all your time, without ever resolving anything. By enforcing the timing of a decision — whether to continue, change, or modify — the idea is to close off the constant revisiting.
Follow-up: Schedule a time to follow up on your decision, and see if you want to revisit it. Having this time set aside will (hopefully) allow you to not constantly reconsider, since you know there is a scheduled time to do so.

I hope this helps at least a bit.