My partner and I have been fighting a little more than usual — small arguments over nothing — during my pregnancy. I’m worried this will get worse when our little one arrives. Does parenting in the early years have a long-lasting effect on marriage? How do you plan for this?
–Anonymous
The first year of parenting is hard on most relationships. I’m not trying to scare you by saying this. But it’s just a fact, in the data, that marital happiness tends to decline when people have children. This decline is most sharp with the first child, and in the first year. Happiness slowly recovers, on average, as children age.
Today is not about data, though! It is about solutions. What conversations can you have now, or what preparation can you do, to make this transition easier?
- Plan a way to have dates or at least some concentrated time together, even early on. This will be hard, and I’m not suggesting that you plan a weekend away when the baby is three weeks old. But it is worth thinking about how you can find time, even an hour or two a week, to reconnect. It is easy when a baby arrives to make the baby the 100% sole priority at all times. And yes, your baby is incredibly important. But it is okay to take a couple of hours a week for yourself and your relationship.
- Plan a “marital check-in” (this is what it’s called in the studies, even if you’re not married!) several months into your child’s life. This is one of the main evidence-based approaches to improving happiness within a relationship. It can be facilitated (by a therapist) or not. The idea is to plan a time to discuss how things are going, what you are each struggling with in the relationship, and how it could be better. This type of conversation is not easy and it’s not the conversation we all want to have, but your relationship will be better for having done it (says data).
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