How Should I Navigate Relationships with my Donor’s Family?

My wife and I are planning to ask a friend to be our sperm donor. What questions should we ask about our relationship to his family, parents, etc.? It feels like a lot of people could possibly get involved in our child’s life, and we’re not sure how to manage it all.

—Family Planning

When considering using a directed (known) donor to grow your family, many people think about the relationships with the sperm or egg donor themselves — but sometimes choosing a directed donor also means navigating relationships with their families.

If your prospective donor has a long-term partner (or multiple), it probably makes sense to include them in your conversations, and to be clear with all parties what the expectations are.

It can also be important to discuss with your potential donor if they have or plan to donate to another family, and if you have any expectations regarding communicating with these other families. There is research that suggests that connecting donor-conceived children with their biological siblings can be beneficial for them, and being clear with a prospective donor about disclosure of other past and future donor offspring may be good practice when initiating these relationships.

As someone who works particularly with the LGBTQ+ community, I’ve seen many creative family structures involving directed donors. One client I worked with included in their known donor agreement that the donor wouldn’t be a parental figure in the child’s life, but that his parents would be — they agreed that the child would have the donor’s parents as grandparents, and outlined the grandparent roles before the child was conceived. As a solo parent, my client felt happy to have extra hands-on extended family support for their child, and it was a mutually beneficial arrangement for everyone concerned.

People have all sorts of relationships with their own families of origin, and having these conversations with your prospective donor’s parents or other family members may or may not make sense in your particular situation. I do recommend considering the extended family system, though, and putting some thought into how you’d like to manage those relationships. We can’t plan for everything, but it’s helpful to do our best to think about this choice from as many angles as possible.