My 18-month-old toddler really wants to communicate, but sometimes I have no idea what he’s trying to say. I used to tell him “I don’t understand,” but then I read that I shouldn’t do that and it will make him even more frustrated. Is this true? What should I do instead? Wildly guess? Repeat his noises back at him?
—I do not speak my toddler’s language
Personally, with an 18-month-old I think it’s a victory anytime you understand anything they say.
You are not alone. There is a long period with most children where they are just not very understandable, but they know what they are saying. In that vein: watch this amazing TED talk by a researcher who tracked the way one word developed for his son. These are the frustrating months and years, because your child doesn’t have the theory of mind to understand why you do not understand. They are forced to conclude that either you’re an idiot or you are being purposely unhelpful, which is frustrating.
The rhetoric around saying “I don’t understand” sounds very much like the general over-interpretation of so many things for parents. There is nothing in the data that would suggest that saying “I don’t understand” would make children more frustrated. The experience of not being understood is frustrating, period.
You can ask the converse question, though: Is there something you can do to make them less frustrated? Often, no. The problem at this age is a difficulty with pronouncing certain sounds, so asking them to repeat it will probably lead to the same outcome. They really think “barreage” means “bacon,” and are happy to say it louder and louder while you flounder about, but it’s not useful for you.
There are a few things you can try:
- Guess the story. If they are telling you about their day, you can guess what might have happened.
- Guess the need. If they are pointing to the fridge, just try picking up random things they might want. Maybe you’ll hit the jackpot!
- A more complex version of “I don’t understand”: “I want to understand you. Can you say it another way?”
Sometimes these will work, sometimes not. It’s probably good to remember that this gets better! By the time they’re 4 or 5 years old, you’ll understand the majority of what they say.
Community Guidelines
Log in
Success will vary but something that helped from my time teaching/learning foreign languages is to ask them simple questions around the word. What color is it, is it a food, is it here, what room is it, can you show me, and the like can sometimes solve it since they usually understand more than they can produce. Helped a lot when LO kept asking in his own way to see the ‘big camera’ and I just could not riddle it. Eventually small questions led us to a full length mirror in the guest room. A ‘big camera’, naturally.