How to Decide Which Parent Stays Home

My husband and I are just starting to talk about what life will look like after the baby arrives. We’re weighing the cost of child care against our salaries (which are more or less the same), and financially it doesn’t seem to make sense to hire someone to watch him. How do we decide on who stays home? I guess traditionally the mom has, but I feel like we’re past that assumption. Can you help us figure out a way to approach this?

–Mariah

One of the most impactful decisions you’ll make with a new child is about parental employment. I say “impactful” here not because of the impact on children. In the data, there is little to suggest that parental employment decisions impact child success. These decisions are impactful because they will deeply affect how your day looks and how your family functions.

This is a good time to start talking about it, if you haven’t already. Here’s how I might think about this conversation, taking a page from the Four Fs decision-making approach (pro tip: a version of this approach works for many hard decisions).

Frame the question. As a first step in this discussion, establish the set of options on the table. I would urge you to be expansive and think of this not as “Should one parent stay home?” and certainly not only as “Should mom stay home?” Instead, I’d frame it as What is the optimal configuration of adult work hours in the household? In the range from “both parents work full-time” to “neither parent works,” what is the set of options your family can realistically consider? Start expansive, but try to narrow it down to a couple of possible options (or even one — in which case you’re done!).
Fact-find. Once you have a smaller number of options, dig into them. What would life look like in each of these scenarios? What are your finances like, both in the short and possibly long term? What would the day-to-day look like? If you are partnered, what impacts would these choices have on the partnership? This is a place to try to get specific — if you can dial into the details of work schedules, all the better.
Final decision. Plan a time to make a decision, probably not too long from now, and then implement it. The facts you’ve collected should be part of this, but preferences also matter here. What feels right to you should play a huge role.
Follow up. It is really difficult to predict how you will feel once you have a baby, especially about work. Some people find they cannot imagine returning, even if they planned to. Some people crave the return to work, even as they love being a parent. Because it is so difficult to predict, plan to revisit this decision in the not-too-distant future of parenting. It’s okay to change your mind if that’s what works.