Is Co-Feeding Right for You?

For people in lesbian or queer relationships where both members have breasts, co-feeding or co-nursing can be a wonderful option. Co-feeding offers some queer parents amazing benefits, as sharing the work of nourishing a child can reduce stress for both parties. Sometimes, however, complex dynamics arise, and people considering co-feeding need more support and information to decide whether or not it’s an appropriate path for their family.

Below, I’ll cover the current research on co-feeding as well as anecdotes from people who’ve experimented with many versions of co-feeding, outlining the benefits and potential challenges that can sometimes surface for parents making this choice. Some co-feeding options include a combination of both breast milk and formula, which are both great options for your baby to get their nutritional needs met.

Take me to the bottom line

What is co-feeding?

Co-feeding is when two parents decide to share the job of nursing their infant. This can involve the non-gestational parent inducing lactation through the Newman-Goldfarb method, which involves using a combination of birth control pills, herbs, and a medication called domperidone, as well as regular pumping, to cause their body to lactate without experiencing pregnancy.

Other co-feeding arrangements can include the non-gestational parent using a combination of pumped milk or formula at the breast/chest, with the help of a supplemental nursing system (SNS). This is a small tube, connected to a bottle, that can be taped to the nipple in such a way that the baby can latch and receive supplemental milk at the same time. Every co-feeding relationship is unique and depends on the needs and desires of all parties involved.

Beyond a few interesting case studies and many personal anecdotes, we don’t have any large studies on co-feeding in lesbian or queer relationships and the factors that help it succeed. This case study examined a balanced co-feeding relationship where each parent shared nursing equally, and the non-gestational parent induced lactation. They were able to successfully co-feed for over a year. I’ve known dozens of couples who have shared similar success, as well as dozens of others who have decided against co-feeding because of logistical or emotional challenges.

What are the benefits of co-feeding?

Exclusively nursing your infant can feel like a full-time job. Many new parents love the idea of sharing this workload to increase the equity within their parenting relationship.

Many queer couples aspire to co-feed because it offers an opportunity for physical intimacy and bonding between the non-gestational parent and their child. This can be especially appealing when the non-gestational parent doesn’t share their genetics with their child and craves an opportunity to bond with them in this way.

Nursing can also be a very gender-affirming experience for many trans mothers. There are studies showing that trans women can induce lactation with the Newman-Goldfarb Method after reaching Tanner Stage 2 of breast tissue development.

Other families come to co-feeding because they need to; if the birthing parent doesn’t produce enough milk to exclusively breastfeed or has other struggles with nursing, parents sometimes decide to induce lactation and co-feed to meet their baby’s caloric needs without using donated milk or formula.

What are the common challenges that arise?

In working as a midwife and family-building coach for hundreds of queer families, I’ve seen many couples set up successful co-feeding relationships, as well as others who experience unforeseen challenges.

Physical and mental health challenges

Nursing is a positive feedback loop, meaning that the more one parent nurses, the more milk they produce. This is especially important in the first four to six weeks postpartum, when the milk supply is getting established. Sometimes, if both parents are trying to establish their milk supply at the same time, neither will be able to stimulate the breasts or chest enough to initiate a full supply. Intermittent pumping with a hospital-grade pump can help with this process, although some parents find that when both are sleep deprived from nursing or pumping every two to three hours, both parents’ mental health suffers as a result. I always recommend keeping the psychological health of the whole family system top of mind in the postpartum period, especially when navigating co-feeding arrangements.

Latching challenges

Another common challenge can arise when trying to support babies to latch on to two different sets of nipples. Sometimes, especially for preterm infants or those who have other latching challenges, learning to nurse with two different anatomically shaped sets of nipples can add extra challenges. There is data showing that nursing with flat or inverted nipples is more challenging compared to everted nipples, but there are various interventions that can support nursing success.

Emotional challenges

Emotional complexities can also arise, especially when one or both parents have placed deep value on the nursing relationship as the ideal way to bond with their baby; if one parent’s nursing relationship isn’t successful for whatever reason, it’s not uncommon for parents to experience grief and overwhelm as a result.

How do you optimize your chances for a successful co-feeding dynamic?

It’s helpful to have a queer-affirming lactation consultant who can support couples through the co-feeding journey, as they may have experience in supporting non-gestational parents through inducing lactation, helping couples both learn how to latch their baby successfully, supporting people to find a feeding schedule that works for all parties involved, and demonstrate sensitivity around using each parents’ correct pronouns and parent names. You can find LGBTQ-affirming lactation consultants through online healthcare directories or your local LGBTQ+ group. This resource is also helpful in interviewing and choosing LGBTQ+-affirming providers.

Anecdotally, the couples I see who have the most success with co-feeding approach the experience with open minds, a commitment to communication, and in-person or virtual support from a queer-affirming lactation consultant. And, prioritizing your mental health in early parenting is always essential.

The bottom line

Co-feeding can provide an opportunity for both parents to share the work of feeding their baby while also supporting bonding.
Sometimes co-feeding provides surprising challenges that can add stress to the already overwhelming experience of parenting a newborn.
Large-scale research studies are lacking when exploring the benefits and challenges of co-feeding.
Having adequate support through queer-affirming lactation consultants and open lines of communication is important for optimizing co-feeding relationships.