Is It Normal to Be Sad I Won’t Be Biologically Related to My Child?

It’s happening: my wife and I are making plans to start growing our family! I’m so excited, I can’t wait, but a little part of me (okay, a big part) is feeling sad. And then guilt for feeling that way. I know what it takes to make our family, but the thought that only one of us is going to be biologically related to our future child is weighing on me. I know I will love them no matter what. So how do I feel better about this? Is this something other people get over?

—Natalie

First off, I want to share that you are in good company. This is a feeling that many queer people experience at the beginning of the family-building process, as well as one that I’m personally familiar with. It sucks that the biological reality makes it so that we can’t procreate solely with the person we love and want to parent with and that we need to rely on other people’s genetic contributions, and often a fair amount of medical intervention, to grow our families.

There are four steps to navigating through these feelings that I see are helpful.

1. Normalize it

I can assure you from my experience as a midwife that sadness and jealousy are normal and common parts of the preconception stage for many queer couples and solo parents. Grief is often mixed in with the joy and excitement — and this is an aspect of queer family building that I don’t think we talk about enough.

There are studies that show that fighting against the emotions we experience make them harder to handle — and that when we accept our feelings for what they are, we’re more able to move through them. Know that there are many other queer people experiencing the feelings that you are at this very moment, and don’t judge yourself for feeling the way you do.

2. Process your feelings individually and together

I highly recommend that you give yourself space to process these feelings. Practices for regulating your nervous system include meditation, journaling, seeing an informed therapist, or other practices that work for you. I offer suggestions that can help you navigate through overwhelming feelings in relation to growing your queer family here.

You may have a different set of feelings about this than your partner, and that is totally okay. I generally recommend giving yourself space to process your own feelings, and then come together in partnership to share about the places you overlap and those you don’t.

3. Learn about your options

When you are in the preconception phase of queer family building, there is so much to learn about your options that can actually open doors of possibility for you. I recommend exploring reciprocal IVF, where one of you contributes eggs and the other gestates the pregnancy, which can be a great family-building option in some relationships.

I’ve also worked with many families who explore having a family member donate sperm to their partner so that each parent can have a genetic relationship with the child. This, of course, requires lots of conversations and a special relationship with the donor but can be a beautiful way to blend genetics.

It can be liberating to understand the interplay between nature and nurture, and how genetics is only part of the picture when it comes to who a child will become. One study I love sharing with queer families is this one, showing that children mimic the facial characteristics of their closest caregivers, which can often result in them making similar expressions as their non-bio parent.

You may also want to explore the option of inducing lactation as the non-birth parent. This requires a ton of dedication, time, and medications to induce lactation, but it can be a way to support bonding and physical connection between babies and non-gestational parents.

Even if you decide that none of these options are for you, it serves all of us to question the assumptions we’ve learned that family must equal biology. Family is what we make it. And I can guarantee that when you are chasing around your toddler trying to get them to clean the ice cream off their face, you won’t be thinking about where you got half of their genetic material.

4. Get connected to community

Once you have a sense of your options, it is imperative to get connected to the other people growing their queer families. There are webs of communities out here doing the queer parenting thing, and research has shown that being connected to community has positive impacts on LGBTQ+ people’s experiences of family building throughout the entire process. You can check out the resources we’ve compiled to support your family building journey here.

As someone who loves two children who share none of my DNA (and one who does), I can say that once you fall in love with your child, no matter how they came to be, you will love them with your whole heart.