As a parent, it’s extremely easy to get very focused on “doing it right.” Which means, usually, doing what is considered “right” in your particular time and cultural context. And sometimes, amid this pressure, we need a little perspective. Human history is long, and what is considered right has changed a lot. Today’s podcast, with Jennifer Traig, is all about that perspective. Her book Act Natural is a history of parenting (or at least child-rearing) from the beginning of people.
She’s got excellent stories, and a deeply reassuring take on things. I would describe it as: You may not have entirely wooden Montessori toys, but at least you’re not rubbing your baby in salt before you swaddle them or hanging them on the wall. So cheers to you for doing a good job, and enjoy!
To spark your interest, here are three highlights from the conversation:
When did science enter the picture of parenting?
So, some of the early proponents of this were Luther Emmett Holt, who wrote a very popular childbearing book, but it was extremely, extremely, extremely rigid with these very, very, very strict timetables. Even his daughter-in-law couldn’t follow them. They were pretty unforgiving. And also, not all the science was great. He had an absolute horror of bananas, I don’t know why, but really pushed them as a very dangerous food for children and pretty much any uncooked fresh fruit or vegetable.
So then the behaviorists come along a short time later and really urge parents to avoid giving their children affection. It’s John Broadus Watson, who was this womanizing alcoholic, a real Don Draper figure. He became not just a prominent psychologist but the president of the APA, one of the most prominent psychologists in America, and his science was very iffy, and he did conduct experiments in his own home that his children said were pretty damaging. A lot of depression and unhappiness and mental illness in the family that followed.
Why did so many parents love Dr. Spock as a parenting expert?
Full transcript
This transcript was automatically generated and may contain small errors.
Can you imagine if the trend of baby salting had been around in the age of Instagram? What I’m saying is that you should listen to this conversation, so you can understand that this current moment is just one of many moments. And there are many, many ways to parent and many things that have happened that still resulted in people somehow continuing to exist even if they ate peas first rather than pears or vice versa. Listen, the message for today is that we have been doing this for a long time and we will be okay, and you will be okay, and your kids will be okay, and they’ll be okay when they parent their own kids too.
And someone else is in the comments and says something like, “Well, if you don’t use baby led weaning, your kid’s never going to learn to chew, and there’s an epidemic of people not learning to chew because of purees.” And it just felt like, “What? What do you mean your kid’s never going to learn to chew? What is that?” And it felt so bizarre, but of course this person felt incredibly strongly, and then people started fighting, because it’s Instagram.
And this was for a few reasons. One was because for a long time it was believed that mother’s milk carried not antibodies, but moral qualities. It was very important if you chose a wet nurse for your child, that wet nurse have be a good moral person because the child would absorb their morality. And when moral wet nurses couldn’t be found, some people, including foundling homes, would turn to goats. There’s a book on this called, I think, The Goat as the Best and Most Agreeable Wet Nurse, and goats could be placed right in the crib, and at some foundling homes they were. Goats were considered the most moral animal.
But, one, he would encourage his sons to fight him, he would try to make them jealous by kissing his wife in front of them. He did a lot of really, really weird stuff. And he conducted his experiments in children that had profound brain damage to begin with. It wasn’t good science and it was not good for families.
So let’s talk about Dr. Spock, he’s my favorite parenting expert.
He’s not really setting out to write a parenting manual, but parents at the time are pretty starved for exactly that. And so they start raising their children according to the precepts set out in Emile, which is a philosophical novel. It is not a parenting book. He begins correspondence with many very high society families, royal families who are raising their children according to this book, sending them outside with very little to no clothing in the winter, shooting guns near their heads to make them shockproof. This is a terrible, terrible parenting manual. And although he’s encouraging parents to be more hands-on, he’s not expecting you to change diapers, that you’re supposed to oversee their education, but you are not necessarily doing the hands-on day-to-day stuff. So that starts to change a little bit with the Puritans.
So some have said that the Puritans were the first modern parents. They were certainly the first neurotic parents that we see in the record. And I think that’s for a few reasons. One is they were very concerned with their children’s souls. So parenting becomes this thing that’s much too important to outsource to the help, or even to the mother. Puritan fathers are pretty hands-on in a way that we don’t see beforehand. A lot of America’s founding fathers were literally founded by fathers, that their memoirs tend to mention their fathers quite a bit. They were very involved in their upbringing. And then the final piece of the shift is the Industrial Revolution. Dad’s not home, mom is, the childbirth rate has gone way down so that children become, in Viviana Zelizer’s phrase, economically worthless, but emotionally priceless. And with fewer children, the mother at home, she is expected to take on a lot of the day-to-day hands-on child-rearing that mothers had not been responsible for up until that time.
Okay, so I have one perhaps related… Well, it’s sort of the opposite question. So there are things we look back on that people did like the no bananas or the not hugging or things where we would now say, “Boy, that’s wrong. We have good scientific evidence that bananas are, for most people, a totally safe food and that it is a good idea to hug your kid.” And there’s a bunch of things like that. What will people look back on that we are doing now? What is our bananas?
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