What’s the Data on Sex After Kids?

Do you have any data on intimacy after kids?
—Never in the Mood

There is, on average, less of it. After children, couples have less sex. This is demonstrated in a number of studies across many countries, and it’s not surprising. People have less free time once children arrive, and less privacy. Door locks are great, but they only go so far. It is hard to sustain intimacy when someone is banging on a door, even if you know they cannot get in.

This is more true in the first year, as it may be hard to ease back into sex after childbirth. But the door-banging problem doesn’t end until the children are considerably older. Less sex may or may not be a problem for a relationship. It depends a bit on whether both members of the couple are okay with some decreased intimacy. If not, this is likely to be a source of conflict.

“How much sex do we want to have?” is an uncomfortable but necessary topic. One of the things I talk about in Cribsheet is the evidence behind marital check-ins, where you explicitly sit down with your partner to talk about topics like this (and generally to air your grievances in a controlled way).

Final note: sometimes one is not in the mood because sex is painful. If this is the case, I strongly recommend — no, I insist — that you consider pelvic therapy. Or at least listen to this interview.