How Do I Get My Kid to Poop in the Toilet?

My 3-year-old refuses to poop in the potty at home. She stays dry in day care all day but regresses as soon as she gets home and poops on the floor, as we have her go commando. My wife is giving birth to our second child in about a month, and I’ve heard kids regress then, so my wife suggested we just give it a break and put her in a diaper at home. What the hell should we do? I’m so worn-out.
—“Just poop in the toilet, please”

First, I don’t know if this will help you feel better, but you are by no means alone. Many, many kids do not like to poop in the toilet, often long after they are willing to pee there. There is a name for this: “stool toileting refusal.”

Second, I touch on this issue a bit in my interview with Dr. Liza Aguiar.

The interview is focused on peeing, but we also discuss not pooping and constipation.

To turn to your question, a key point to think about is that poop is not like pee (in a few ways). For one thing, you don’t get as many bites at the apple. If you feed your kid juice all day, they’ll have to pee a lot, so you get a lot of chances to encourage toilet use. Pooping is maybe once or twice a day. But more importantly: kids can hold their poop for a long while, and that can be harmful, leading to constipation. Once they’re constipated, it can hurt to poop. And then they are afraid of pooping, making the whole thing worse.

All of this is to say, it may be both impossible and counterproductive to force this.

I wish I could say there is a data-based way to fix it, but there largely isn’t. The general evidence-based consensus is consistent with your wife’s suggestion. First, take a break. Use a diaper. In fact, you may be able to use a diaper just for pooping. Many kids — I know this is weird — are perfectly capable of asking for a diaper, taking it into the bathroom, pooping in it, and letting you know they are done. It seems ridiculous! But it’s a step.

When you are ready to try again, probably outside of the new-baby transition, the key may be steps toward the toilet. Rewards might help. Again, no real evidence here. It’s like most other child behavior changes; we have a general sense of things that work, but not much in the way of specifics.

I get this question so often that I wish I had a pat solution. Basically: you’re not alone, take a break for now, and before you know it, diapers will be a memory. Except for the presence of the second kid.