Sharing Custody

When a set of parents I worked with decided to end their marriage, the most heart-wrenching decision was yet to come: who would get custody of their two children? Both were devoted parents, each deeply involved in their children’s lives, from soccer games to school plays. Despite their personal conflicts and the painful end to their marriage, they recognized that their children needed both of them to continue to be present in their lives. Yet the idea of splitting time with their children felt unbearable to each of them.

They grappled with pressing questions. Would it be more, or less, stressful for the children to keep switching houses? Should they stay at the house closest to their school and friends? What effect would it have to spend only weekends with one parent? Each question weighed heavily on their minds, as they strove to make the best decisions in a difficult situation.

This story is not uncommon in families navigating divorce. It illustrates the profound challenges parents face when deciding on custody — a decision that impacts not only their own lives but, most importantly, their children’s lives.

Once the decision to separate or divorce has been made, the focus shifts to establishing a new family structure that supports the best interests of all involved, especially the children. This phase is about finding ways to maintain stability, ensure emotional support, and foster healthy relationships in a changed family landscape. It’s also about turning a new page where the well-being of your children continues to be a priority and where your role as a parent adapts to new circumstances.

Rest assured, the data is clear: separation or divorce itself does not necessarily lead to long-lasting problems for children. Instead, it’s how parents navigate the process that makes all the difference. The choices you make now in establishing your new family life play a powerful role in determining how everyone adjusts and thrives.

Note: I will use the term “shared parenting” to discuss the concept of both parents actively participating in raising and making decisions for their child after a separation or divorce. Similar concepts may be known as “joint custody,” “joint parenting time,” or other terms depending on your locality. Regardless of the terminology, the underlying principle is that both parents continue to play significant roles in their child’s life. There are times when necessary separation occurs due to safety concerns, substance use, or incarceration, which I will also address here.

What does the data say about the best schedule for shared parenting?

I would reframe this question from finding the “best” arrangement to creatively crafting a plan that prioritizes each parent’s relationship with the child and promotes peaceful co-parenting. This plan should also maximize the child’s access to resources and support systems and consider the family’s unique strengths and preferences. When you prioritize these elements, the specific details of the custody arrangement — such as the exact days of the week children spend with each parent — become less critical.

Large datasets offer a bird’s-eye view of children’s adjustment after separation and divorce. Meta-analyses show that overall, there seems to be an advantage to shared parenting arrangements rather than sole custody (except in some circumstances; more on that below). However, recent data suggests that where children live has very little predictive power as to how they are doing several years down the line. This statistic is encouraging and speaks to the amazing ability of families to show resilience in the face of stressful circumstances.

Now let’s get into the details that drive these results, to help you weigh the pros and cons of various arrangements for your family.

What factors contribute to a positive or negative shared parenting plan?

Although on average the effects of shared parenting are positive, several factors are at play, including the quality of parenting and co-parenting relationships. When you consider the research studies all together, the beneficial impact of shared parenting seems less about the mere division of time and more about the resources it facilitates.

Let’s break it down in terms of “good stuff” — the things that make shared parenting related to positive outcomes in the data — and the “not-so-good stuff” — the things that make shared parenting less ideal because they potentially cause more harm than good.

The good stuff

High-quality parenting: The quality of parenting is one of the biggest factors in a child’s resilience. What does “high-quality” mean? Effective communication helps children feel understood and supported, fostering a positive emotional environment. Showing affection and warmth creates a secure and loving atmosphere for children, which is crucial for their emotional development. Consistent and fair discipline helps children understand boundaries and expectations, contributing to their sense of security and behavioral regulation.

Supportive co-parenting: Children thrive when they feel free to love both parents and they see them working together to make good decisions. Research shows that problem solving and demonstrating how to resolve differences can significantly benefit their mental health. For some families, this could mean scheduling discussions about contentious issues when the child is not present and assuring them that disagreements will be resolved, so they understand there is no need for them to worry.

Access to resources: Financial stability ensures that children have access to necessary resources, such as education, health care, and extracurricular activities, which are vital for their development. Access to quality education and support for academic achievement helps children reach their full potential. Seeing to it that children have access to regular health care and mental health services supports their overall well-being.

Support systems: Having a strong network of family, friends, and community can provide emotional and practical assistance to both parents and children. These relationships are very important in creating an environment where children can thrive. Notably, the quality of interaction is more important than the quantity of time spent. Positive outcomes are more likely when children experience high-quality parenting and have access to robust support systems.

The not-so-good stuff

Destructive conflict: Conflict that goes unresolved and is unconstructive is generally detrimental, yet the research does not conclusively show that it negates the benefits of shared parenting. The key lies in how shared parenting is implemented. If shared parenting arrangements escalate conflict, adjustments might be necessary to shield children from conflict while preserving the advantages of shared parenting.

Loyalty binds: Children may feel torn between their parents, leading to loyalty binds. This can cause significant emotional stress and affect their relationship with both parents and negate the benefits of shared parenting. In particular, children describe the stress that comes with worrying about whether they are being “fair” to both parents.

Missing one parent: When one parent is less involved or less capable, children can miss out on the added benefits of having two engaged parents, which can impact their emotional and social development. Similarly, not having enough time with a high-quality parent can make children miss out on important benefits.

Instability: Frequent changes in living arrangements and lack of routine can create instability and chaos, which can be stressful for children and negatively affect their sense of security. In particular, irregular or unpredictable contact with parents is a source of stress.

Safety concerns: Above all, the safety and well-being of the child must be paramount. Any custody arrangement must prioritize the child’s physical and emotional security. If there are safety concerns with one parent, it is critical to address these issues to protect the child.

What other considerations are there when making a shared parenting plan?

There are several other considerations that must be taken into account when planning custody arrangements, including the child’s developmental stage, managing work schedules and activity logistics, and addressing the challenges of long-distance parenting and necessary separations. Let’s look at what the data says on each of these topics.

Age and developmental stage

Evaluating a child’s developmental stage and their having secure attachments are key. Strong evidence shows that parent-child relationships in the early years (the first three to five years of life) are foundational for well-being and that healthy relationships with both parents are important.

Experts debate the best custody arrangements for young children, with some citing attachment theory and the need for a primary attachment figure. However, contemporary research supports the idea that children can form multiple healthy attachments, indicating that shared parenting can be beneficial if managed thoughtfully.

As children grow older, arrangements often shift toward more shared parenting time to reflect their evolving needs and benefit from each parent’s unique strengths. One parent might excel in one area while the other excels in another, allowing children to bond with them over different interests and activities. This approach highlights the importance of adapting custody and care schedules to children’s developmental needs, balancing secure attachments with the benefits of bonding with both parents.

Schedules and logistics

Spending quality time with both parents is imperative for children’s mental health, as it allows positive parenting to exert its powerful effects. A “good enough” range is about one-third to nearly half of the time with each parent, balancing benefits without interfering with each other’s role.

Practical decisions are also key: if one parent has a strict work schedule, a perfect 50-50 split may be less important than ensuring that children aren’t left without either parent. For instance, if a babysitter is needed during one parent’s time, it may be better for the other parent to take the children. Flexibility provides for children spending more meaningful time with their parents. Additionally, spending more time at one parent’s house may be beneficial if it facilitates a smoother schedule and stability, like keeping a child in a school they love or reducing travel time to activities. This logistical ease can create a more stable and less stressful environment for the child.

Long-distance parenting

Long-distance parenting can be particularly challenging, but focusing on maintaining strong bonds is essential. Digital technologies have introduced valuable tools for keeping connected, creating a “connected presence” that allows families to maintain rituals and ambient co-presence. This concept highlights the strengths of using technology to stay involved in each other’s lives despite physical distance.

Digital interaction is probably not a suitable replacement for in-person presence. Prioritizing physical time together whenever possible, and using technology to bridge the gaps, can help maintain strong parent-child relationships. Additionally, parents should make coordinated efforts to ensure that both of them remain involved in significant decisions and milestones in the child’s life.

Handling necessary separation

When necessary separation occurs due to safety concerns, substance use, or incarceration, there are ways to minimize or avoid exacerbating stress. It’s important to let the child know that the parent’s absence is not their fault and to refrain from bad-mouthing the absent parent. Using developmentally appropriate explanations for why the parent isn’t there is critical. Even if it is the truth, children do not benefit from hearing negative things about their other parent, who they often see as an extension of themselves. By providing careful, age-appropriate explanations and maintaining a supportive environment, you can help the child cope with the absence and reduce stress.

Resources

The New Beginnings Program

The New Beginnings Program is now available to parents everywhere through a self-directed online program. With over 20 years of research and four randomized controlled trials, this program has shown significant effects in reducing children’s mental health problems, improving educational achievement and social functioning, and preventing substance use. Its benefits are long-lasting, with ongoing studies examining impacts on the next generation.

Project Brain Team

Researchers at Arizona State University are testing new online games designed to help children cope with the emotional impact of parental separation and divorce. If you have a child age 9 to 12, you may be eligible to join. Participation includes you and your child doing surveys, phone calls, and daily reports for six weeks. Eligible families can get up to $300 in electronic gift cards, and children will get prizes throughout the project. Learn more here.