Is there any evidence-based data for why we need to ensure that our children are asked for a hug rather than forced? My in-laws seem to not understand my position and think it’s a non-concern, and unfortunately my husband isn’t totally in agreement with me either. I’d like to be able to go to them with something that proves why this is important.
––Kerrie
I’m sorry, but I’m afraid there isn’t any data that will help here.
To back up: The worry is that forcing a child to hug a grandparent disrespects their boundaries and sends the message that the child doesn’t have bodily autonomy. In the extreme, the concern is then that they fail to report abuse if it occurs, or are uncomfortable saying no to a partner later in life. If you go down the Instagram rabbit hole on this, you’ll find people who draw a direct link between being told you have to hug grandma and being a constant victim in abusive relationships.
This idea may come from what we know about children who grow up in extremely authoritarian regimes (say, cults) in which obedience is completely expected. Often those environments see significant abuse, of both children and adults. However: it is hard to draw a direct line from this to grandparent hugs. And the kind of data you might look for — say, whether children who are not forced to hug, holding all else constant, are less likely to be abused — simply doesn’t exist.
At the same time, people are not owed hugs! If this doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you, and that’s a totally reasonable boundary.
Here’s a possible reframe: Grandparents aren’t owed hugs, but they are owed respect. Is there an interaction you would be comfortable requiring that shows respect? Looking grandma in the eye and saying, “I’m happy to see you,” for example? Your child may not like to do this, but there are a lot of things we make them do that they do not like.
I think sometimes grandparents hear this as “I don’t think my child owes you respect,” which isn’t the case. So maybe there is room for compromise here that makes everyone somewhat happy.
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My sister in law with older kids when we see then gives her kids a few choices. Would you like to wave, high five, or give a hug? Blow kisses or first pound might also be appropriate for different ages. Gives them the option to do what’s comfortable while still acknowledging that you need to learn to say hello/goodbye politely.
I like this!