What Should I Do About Unbearable Preschool Drop-offs?

Everyone says that starting preschool will be good for my 2-year-old. However, the level of hysterical screaming and sobbing at drop-off is almost unbearable. I realize that she will eventually have to gain independence and in a couple of years attend regular school. Is it possible, though, that at the moment she is just not ready? I am genuinely worried I am damaging her bond with me by having her torn off me while she cries hysterically at the preschool gates, and the vision of her little anguished face is haunting me all day. I know I am supposed to say a breezy goodbye and sail off, but at the moment it’s taking me a good hour of crying myself (once I am out of her sight) to recover from how upsetting the whole process is. I am told that she eventually settles once I am gone, but when I come to pick her up, she’s still crying. It isn’t helpful that she’s only just 2 and quite behind on her communication, so explanations of what she will do that day and assurances that I’ll collect her soon mean nothing to her, although I do them anyway. From my reading about attachment theory, I am worried this whole process is doing her more harm than good. I grew up in a very unstable home environment and am keen to provide her with the security I didn’t have. Is this a valid concern?

—Guilt-Ridden Mom of a New Preschooler

I think it’s important here to separate two questions. The first is whether crying at preschool drop-off generally damages bonding with parents. The answer in the data is no. Crying at transitions — pickup, drop-off, moving between activities — is common for kids. It’s okay, it’s normal, it generally gets better.

A baby cries on their parent's shoulder during daycare drop-off.

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The second question, though, is whether it is working for you. Here is what I get reading this. Other people have suggested to you this is a good idea for your child. You find it unbearable. You are crying for an hour a day and being “haunted.” You are worried all the time about your bond. Preschool can be great — and we do have a bit of evidence that there are some slight test-score benefits to having time in preschool, but these are very small. They are not a reason to put your kid in preschool if it is not working for your family.

And honestly, it doesn’t sound like it is working for you. Completely independent of your child, this isn’t making you happy. It’s bringing up concerns about your own childhood. I’ll emphasize again — you are crying an hour every day to recover. My thinking is: this isn’t for you. You’re looking for a science-based reason to quit this. You don’t need that. It’s okay to say that preschool doesn’t work for your family right now, and that’s enough reason not to do it.