What Are Ways to Manage My Child Testing Limits?

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My 14-month-old has reached levels of stubbornness I have never seen before. I feel like I’m alternating between “no” and “because I said so” every other minute. What are some effective ways to manage a toddler testing your limits?

—Fed-Up Dad

Let’s start with what we know about 14-month-old brains. They are not done growing. The prefrontal cortex — the part responsible for impulse control — is barely online. They have extremely limited working memory and almost no capacity to generalize rules across contexts. All this means is that when you tell them “no” about touching the lamp cord, they’re not learning “I shouldn’t touch dangerous things.” They’re learning, very slowly, “that specific lamp cord is off-limits right now.” Then they forget it 30 seconds later.

I want to start with this to reframe the problem for you. This feels like stubbornness or defiance, but, at this age, it largely isn’t. With a 3 or 4-year-old, the same behavior may reflect more calculation. But with your 14-month-old, they literally cannot remember what you just said, and they probably cannot connect your frustration to their behavior in any meaningful way.

Given these constraints, trying to make your toddler stop testing limits is like trying to teach them to read — which is to say, it’s impossible.

What you can do is manage yourself. This isn’t to say the frustration here is your fault; it’s not really about fault. But the only way through this is for you to accept that saying “No” over and over again while staying calm is, in fact, your job and an investment in their future brain development.

For a lot of parents, a simple script approach can be really helpful. This is both easy for your child to understand and helps take away some cognitive load from you (so you can use that cognitive load in managing your emotions). Come up with a phrase like “No, not safe.” Or “No, not for you.” The exact words do not really matter; what matters is the repetition and neutral tone.

Keep these scripts short and direct. Your child’s language comprehension at 14 months can handle maybe three words in a command. “Don’t touch, hot” works. “That’s hot, and you could burn yourself, and then we’d have to go to the doctor,” is just noise. Similarly, “because I said so” appeals to a sense of reason and authority that kids this age do not understand well.

Find something that works for you that helps you stay calm — which is very, very hard. Also, remember: this is temporary. By age 2, their working memory will be better. By 3, they’ll have some impulse control. These ages have their own difficulties, but there is more you can do. For now, stay calm and repeat.