What Can I Do During a Temper Tantrum?

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Are there any science-backed ways to work through a temper tantrum? I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to do when my kid is flinging her markers across the room or screaming at the top of her lungs. What can we do during a tantrum that will actually make a difference?

—Anonymous

The short answer to what to do during a tantrum is: nothing. But it’s useful to think about the before, as well as the during. Because tantrums do not appear on their own, they often appear as a result of some boundary-setting or some other event. In those cases, we do have evidence.

So let’s begin with the question of what to do when your child is doing something they shouldn’t — say, using the markers to draw on the floor, the wall, or the cat, or grabbing the markers from their sibling while they are trying to color. Your job as a parent here is to set and enforce clear boundaries.

There are a couple of ways to do this. There is evidence to support the use of programs like 1-2-3-Magic in these cases — a system where you count to three, and if the behavior doesn’t stop, there is a consequence (usually a time-out or loss of privilege). An alternative, emblematic of a program like Good Inside, is to set the boundary by physically removing the child from the setting (take the markers away, for example).

Whatever system you choose, the data is clear that you should implement it consistently; do the same thing every time. Kids form habits quickly, and all behavior modification programs benefit from consistency.

When you set these boundaries — however you do that — there will sometimes be a tantrum. During the tantrum, your job is totally different. Once the meltdown starts — the screaming, the marker-flinging, the full-body protest — the most effective thing you can do is nothing. No reasoning, no comforting, no trying to “talk them down.” Tantrums are fueled by attention, even negative attention. When you engage, you’re teaching your child that this behavior is an effective way to get your focus.

This is hard! You want to fix it, to make your child feel better, to try to solve the problem. But tantrums aren’t rational. Your child is not in a state where they can process logic or learn lessons. They need to ride it out, and your job is to stay calm and boring.

What does ignoring actually look like? Stay in the room if it’s safe (so they’re not alone), but turn your attention elsewhere. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t respond to the screaming. If they’re destroying property or hurting themselves, you intervene with minimal words — move them to a safe space, remove dangerous objects — but you still don’t engage emotionally.
The tantrum will end, I promise. And if you do the first part of this consistently — react in the same predictable and boring way — the data shows tantrums will fade over time (although faster in some children than others — and if you are very concerned about the frequency or violence of your child’s tantrums, it’s worth a conversation with their doctor).