What Does the Research Say About Two Moms Raising a Son?

I’m in a same sex marriage, raising a boy. Is there any evidence out there that two mothers can be advantageous or, hopefully not, a disadvantage? We’re striving to have positive male role models (grandads, uncles, etc.), but this has shaken me a little.

— Two Moms Hopeful for Our Son

There have been many studies showing that children who are raised by same-sex parents have equivalent outcomes to children raised by heterosexual parents. In 2018, the New England Journal of Medicine published a study called the National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study, a longitudinal study that examined the well-being of children of lesbian parents from conception into adulthood. The study found no differences in the mental health of these children when compared to the general population. Although the sample size of this study was small (154 prospective mothers), the results, especially when looked at with others, are encouraging.

In a study done in the Netherlands in 2021, the authors actually found that children in same-sex-parented families generally outperform children raised in different-sex-parented families in certain categories of academic performance, including standardized test scores, high school graduation rates, and college enrollment. Overall, I see no concerning data that children of LGBTQ+ parents are any worse off than children with heterosexual parents.

Recent research continues to reinforce these findings. A study from Penn State University found that what truly predicts child outcomes is parenting stress and family dynamics — not parental gender identity. The researchers assessed children’s well-being using standardized measures and found sub-clinical levels of both internalizing behaviors (like anxiety and depression) and externalizing behaviors (like aggression and impulsivity), indicating that these children are having typical childhood experiences that don’t warrant clinical intervention, regardless of family structure.

What’s particularly interesting is that even when LGBTQ+ parents face additional stresses — like identity-based discrimination — their children appear to be well-protected. The Penn State study found that while some LGBTQ+ parents reported higher levels of depressive symptoms, likely reflecting the impact of discrimination, their children showed no corresponding increase in behavioral difficulties. This is noteworthy because in families with cisgender, heterosexual parents, research has typically found that parental depression correlates with higher rates of child depression and behavioral challenges. The absence of this pattern suggests that LGBTQ+ parents may be employing distinctive practices that buffer their children from discriminatory stress. Research indicates they often take a more child-centered approach to gender development and demonstrate flexibility with traditional gender role expectations, which may help protect their children.

In the article you shared, the authors raise concerns about big societal issues, like cultural notions of masculinity, the prevalence of violence and pornography, and how boys are disproportionately targeted online, and economic and health disparity challenges that boys and young men are contending with. Although it raises some interesting concerns around the challenges of growing up in this modern world, I don’t think that the studies used here justify any concern whatsoever around raising a boy in a two-mom family.

As a parent who is also raising boys who have two moms, I resonate with your concerns and your desires to do right by your kids as much as possible. There are some research-backed ways to support healthy expression in young boys. Supporting their sense of social connection and their ability to feel and express their emotions has all been shown to have positive impacts on boys’ and men’s mental health. And it sounds like by prioritizing your child’s mental and emotional health and surrounding him with positive male role models when you can, you are doing just that.