When Should I Tell My Child That I’m Pregnant?

I just found out I’m pregnant with our second child. We have a 4-year-old, who is loving the only-child life. What’s the right time to tell her?

–Breaking the news

Telling your mom or your friends that you’re expecting is typically a happy time. You might even get a party with cake! Unlike your friends, from whom I hope you can expect excitement and hugs, kids are less predictable. They might give you what you want for a reaction. But they also might not.

How can you structure this conversation to make it work for them, and how do you set your expectations? I’d argue we can take a lesson from guidance about how to have hard conversations with our kids. This isn’t a hard conversation necessarily, but being thoughtful about it will help. Here’s a quick guide.

Pick your time and moment. With a younger child, it may make sense to wait a bit longer to tell them. For one thing, it’s possible that if you tell them now, they’ll ask every day for the next seven months whether the baby is coming today, which could be annoying. The older the child, the earlier you probably want to tell them. Once you pick a time, pick a moment — in the car is a good one for a lot of kids, since it’s quiet and there isn’t much to do. There are many good possible moments and some less-good ones (like right before bed, when none of us are at our best).
Start simple and scripted. “We have some exciting news! You’re going to be a big brother/sister.” There is not much need to say more than this at the start. In this opening, it’s good to avoid too much context or explanation.
Do not expect any specific reaction. Your kid may say nothing. They might say “Okay” and go back to playing. They might ask a billion questions (“How did the baby get in there?”). You can’t predict, and you should not infer anything from this. If your kid doesn’t act over-the-moon excited, it does not say anything about their character.
Expect follow-ups. Kids take time to process things, and they often have more questions later when you least expect it. So be ready (yes, also for that question about how the baby got in there).

And that’s it! Easier than you might think, though still easier said than done.