How do you equitably split domestic labor? I’m currently in a season of little kids and noticing major resentment in my relationship. We’re both trying our best, and it’s still never enough. Any tips for how to do more than just power through?
—Caitlin
Quick note: the literature here focuses on marriages, so I’ll use that word below for precision, but the principles and data are likely to apply to relationships regardless of whether marriage is part of them.
First, let’s acknowledge that powering through is going to be part of this. The first years of parenting are hard on a marriage — we know that from data. This doesn’t mean it can’t be improved! But I do think it’s worth the moment of acknowledging that it’s a season, and if things are hard, it doesn’t necessarily mean they will be hard later.
In terms of improvement, this is a topic I talk through in both Cribsheet and The Family Firm. Let me here provide four thoughts, roughly in the space of short-, medium-, and longer-term approaches.
Short term: Write down what you do. This takes a page from Fair Play, a great book. It’s easy to know what you do, and harder to see what your partner does. Generating common knowledge is both a way to better appreciate the balance that might already exist and to be clear on what imbalances might need to be changed.
Short term, part 2: Outsource. I say this noting that it is absolutely only possible with a certain amount of privilege, but if there are tasks that you can pass off to someone else, it is worth considering.
Medium term: Marital checkup. This is an evidence-based approach to marital conflict. The idea is an annual meeting (possibly with a therapist) to actually discuss your marriage in a moment when you are both more ready to hear. There is some evidence that these checkups improve marital happiness, and sex (in case that is also an issue). This is representative of the general point that therapy is good.
Longer term: Both of these shorter-term solutions are about being a bit more deliberate in your approach to the balance. When you are ready to go a little more deliberate overall, the tools in Family Firm are all about figuring out what your family wants to accomplish and how you want your life to look. It may be a way to get on the same page in a big-picture way and find a better day-to-day balance.
Hang in there! It really does get better.
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