You and your books have been an incredible resource as I navigate becoming a parent for the first time. However, currently I am the most confused and the most sleep-deprived I have ever been. I read your chapter on sleep training and was comforted by the basic information that it seems to work and not emotionally damage babies, as far as we can tell. Because my husband and I are desperate for sleep, we have opted for the method where a parent stays in the room with our baby while she cries and then falls asleep. My own doctor has also recommended we do this and cited breastfeeding back to sleep for night wakes as part of the problem — that my baby was using me as a pacifier and not learning to sleep on her own. Yet I keep coming across information fed to me by social media about how babies cannot learn to self-soothe, that both hourly wakings and nursing to sleep is normal, and that I am essentially depriving her of what she needs by letting her cry. All of what I read — for and against sleep training — seems to be supported by studies and evidence. What is real? How do I know what to do? Do babies need to be taught to self-soothe, or is this a myth? Regardless, my baby and I both now hate bedtime.
––Desperate for data
I do not think there is any area in parenting as fraught online as infant sleep. It can seem literally impossible to do it right. You’re feeding them too much! No, not enough! This isn’t the way we did it in the cave! Wait, but a lot of cave babies got eaten by tigers — so maybe if you don’t sleep train, your baby will be eaten by a tiger? This is more of an exhausted 3 a.m. thought, but we have all been there.
Let’s take a step back. Two things can be true. First, the data shows that sleep training does not lead to long- or short-term attachment issues. And for most babies, it will lead to longer sleep stretches. It has also been shown to improve mood and mental health for parents. Second, if given the opportunity, many babies will wake up every hour overnight and eat a bit and go back to sleep. The fact that they would do this, though, doesn’t mean that they must do it for healthy development.
Bottom line: This is a place where there are multiple good choices, and you need to choose what is right for your family. The first step to doing that is — and I say this with love — stepping away from panic googling. You’ve done the research you need. Now you just need a plan.
What I hear is that what you have done up until now is not working. This isn’t surprising. Very few families find that the system of waking up and going into their child’s room to feed them every hour overnight is sustainable. In the end, people tend to find two sustainable options.
One is sleep training. You know how this works, and it generally does. I will say you have chosen the least effective method. Generally, data suggests that the “sit in the child’s room” method works less well than versions where the door is closed. I would recommend, if you decide this is the direction for you, that you cut out sitting in the room.
The other option is co-sleeping. It isn’t recommended with an infant for safety reasons, but the risks to an older child are limited. The value of co-sleep is that it can preserve the ability to (say) nurse every hour without getting out of bed. Co-sleeping might not be for you! It was definitely not for me, but some people love it.
That’s it. Other than your current unsustainable situation, these are really the two options. There’s no secret option C, and no amount of googling is going to reveal one. So put down the phone, discuss the plan, and implement it. Very best of luck!
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I think the inability to self soothe thing applies to babies younger than 3 months. Cribsheets mentions this, but sleep training only starts after you’re out of the ‘4th trimester.’
We read Ferber’s book on sleep to come up with a plan that worked for us. I would highly recommend reading it as the Internet tends to get him wrong. The book goes a lot into the research behind the suggestions and allows you to figure out what is your particular need. This too will pass! Good luck!