My husband works many weekends and holidays including this weekend so I can’t often do the typical activities like go to brunch together. I made plans to have a mother son date with my toddler today and will see my mom and mother in law Sunday.

One year ago on Mother’s Day my husband and I went to see The Strokes in concert. It was a beautiful night out together, something we hadn’t done nearly enough, spending time as a couple, reconnecting after those tough baby-years.
The day after that night I looked for some selfies he had taken of us to post them on social media. I didn’t find the selfies. But I found pictures of another woman who, over the ensuing months, turned out to be his affair partner.

The hardest year of my life followed last year’s Mother’s Day and it will be tainted with that memory for a long time, maybe forever.

You might think why I post this here, on a post that is all about parenting.
Well, after I found out about my husband’s affair, I learned everything there is to learn about the topic. To help myself, to help him, but most importantly to become the strong woman I am today that is the boulder my kids need me to be. Parenting through affair recovery is so so tough! And one of the many things that makes it so tough is the taboo society puts on you. They shame you if you leave (You failed!), they shame you if you stay (How can you let him treat you that way?). But you got to find your own path.

If you are going through something similar, I’m here for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

This year, I am trying to become a mom. My partner carries a gene that we have a 50/50 chance of passing down to a baby, and the gene can express in multiple serious ways, including neonatal death. Thus, we are doing IVF so that we can test embryos for the variant. So here’s what’s on my mind this mother’s day: I work for a major U.S healthcare system, and my employer limits my fertility coverage to a lifetime maximum benefit of 15k to be used in only one round of IVF total. The maternal fetal medicine specialist at *my* health system advised me to pursue IVF, otherwise we may face a scenario in which a second trimester termination is necessary (the gene cannot be identified until around 14 weeks). So, if I do not get a healthy embryo from one round of IVF (which many, many people do not), I am out of luck. IVF can cost anywhere from 25-50k per round, depending on the meds you need and the testing you’ll have done. For me, a healthy baby is now positioned as a privilege accessible only to those with extreme wealth. I wish the U.S did not have employer-based healthcare for so many reasons. I wish IVF was considered basic reproductive healthcare that should be accessible to anyone who needs it. I wish this already physically and emotionally demanding journey was not further exacerbated by the anguish of knowing that my employer, a healthcare system, does not care about my receiving the healthcare it’s own specialists say I need.

I am a mother to a 3.5 year old but have been struggling with secondary infertility for the last 2+ years. A long complicated process has led us to a failed IVF cycle and now IUI. Currently in the two week window since the procedure waiting for the blood pregnancy test. I love my daughter so much and feel incredibly guilty for longing for more. I’ve been working with a therapist and leaning into the duality of emotions (I can love my daughter and want another child; I can be overjoyed for friends getting pregnant and still feel jealous/frustrated/upset). This Mother’s Day feels particularly overwhelming and I’m wracked with guilt feeling like I’m not appreciating my family enough while in the throes of fertility treatments 🙁

Ode to Mothers

Nurturers of life, fierce yet gentle,
Mothers bear the weight of worlds within.
Through sweat and tears, their strength is unrelenting,
Bringing forth new souls to dwell therein.

Mighty vessels that carry and deliver,
Resilient warriors recovering from birth’s toll.
Nourishing bodies and souls, tirelessly they nurture,
Bound by a love that makes families whole.

All journeys began cradled in a mother’s arms,
Her guiding light through infancy’s early fog.
Founts of patience, pillars of selfless charms,
Beacons leading the way as we matured and grew strong.

Mothers, you are the bedrock of humanity,
Your sacrifices echo through generations.
In this ode, we exalt your divinity,
Endless gratitude for your sacred celebrations.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Last year I booked a massage, only to have it cancelled by the masseuse the friday night before “because [he] didn’t realize it was on mother’s day.”

We then spent it at a restaurant with my screaming 2mo who I eventually had to change in a dingy bathroom on a floppy folding chair because they didn’t have a changing table.

I’m trying not to bring disgruntled energy to this year, lol.

I wish all these Hallmark Holidays would just go away. In my experience, mom’s of little kids just want to spend the day ALONE, but they feel guilty about that. Mom’s of older/grown kids want to spend the day with them, but often the kids don’t (or can’t), so moms feel sad. And it’s just another opportunity for Romantic Partner to not deliver on expectations!

Please, no more Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, let alone Siblings’ Day and Grandparents’ Day, good grief!

For my nuclear family it’s like any other day. My husband and I decided early in our relationship that we are going to write our own rules for holidays and for some holidays that means just skipping them. Instead, we show up as partners day in and day out and we both feel like that is the real gift.

Growing up my mom always said “every day is Mother’s Day” to mean that she deserves respect and consideration daily. In hind sight she definitely didn’t get what she deserved. I do send her flowers and a few goodies on the official day, but especially after becoming a mother myself, I try to make sure I’m showing up for her as a friend and support person as best as I can.

My son is away at college. Even though I saw him last week on his 21st birthday, and he got a reminder tomorrow is Mother’s Day, I expect he will be too eyeball deep in finals to remember. And next month will be the 5th anniversary of my mom suddenly dropping dead of a heart attack a few days after coming to my 50th. So it’s not a happy or celebratory day for me. I’ll think about my mom. My neighbors are making a nice brunch so I’ll go to that.

Lots of added stress for me this Mother’s Day. My relationship with my Mom is strained because she continues to have high expectations for this holiday and if her gifts and card do not arrive before Sunday, I will hear about it. And while I sent a card from me, I didn’t send a card to her from her grandsons (5-yrs & 6-months), something I have done in the past. So, I’m already bracing myself because I’m sure she will share her disappointment on that account. For me, it has been 5 years of Mother’s Days and my partner hasn’t yet stepped up to make the day feel much different. I will likely get a card but other than that it is business as usual. Because I don’t want to act like my Mother, it has been hard for me to share my expectations for Mother’s Day. I am still finding the balance of wanting that extra show of love and support while not making anyone feel guilty when that doesn’t happen.

Thank you so much for starting this chat. As a single mom to a toddler, I have majorly mixed feelings about Mother’s Day. I know I’m lucky to have this incredible little human in my life. But I do feel lonely without having someone to share him with… and on top of that, my ex took him away this week for the first time ever. All I can say is thank goodness for dogs. My dogs have been majorly helping me feel that unconditional love. So if Mother’s Day is hard for you for whatever reason, I’m sending a lot of love to you! I also wrote about it in my Substack this week if you want to read more about how I handled the lonely I feel like we all get as moms from time to time: https://sydnesummer.substack.com/p/thoughts-about-mothers-day-mini-indulgences

I HATE the prescribed nature of this holiday, but I also feel like it’s warranted. Like so many days in motherhood, I want to be with my family but I also don’t. ;P

Tired. I’m feeling tired. We’re about to try to start introducing cow milk to our son for the first time since he was diagnosed with CMPA at the age of 1.5 months, our oldest is struggling with jealousy of her brother and sharing her parents’ attention, everyone has sniffles. Work is crazy, and suddenly it’s Mother’s Day. I am so grateful for the moms who care for and support and encourage me as I continue to try and find myself in this role I still struggle with 4.5 years on. My husband brought me flowers and my daughter made a gift at school and I love them both. Am I going to spend tomorrow exhausted and doing everything I would normally be doing on any given Sunday? Yes. Am I going to be grumpy about it? Quite likely. But I’m trying to be upbeat and trying to integrate that there will be other Mother’s Days when I can get a break, when I can be liberated from chores and childcare, that this will not be that Mothers Day but hopefully someday…

I work in a greenhouse, with my MIL. Mother’s Day is one of our busiest days of the year so we both work a really long day and I don’t usually get to do anything with my mom, although I’ve spent the last two months making hanging baskets for other people’s moms. This year I’m going out to dinner with my mom on Tuesday (I did make her some baskets too). Still deciding if I want to get up ridiculously early to have Mother’s Day breakfast with my husband before the workday or if it’s better to sleep in as much as I can!

My Mother in Law recently passed away so this Mother’s Day is rough. My son is two, so Mother’s Day is very special to me. I’m have complicated feelings.

trying to rebrand mother’s day as “Mother’s Day OFF” !

spread the word…

I recently heard the phrase, “I don’t want to put down the baby, I want to put down the patriarchy”. This is exactly how I feel. I just want time with my kids with none of the other responsibilities of being an adult or parent.
I enjoy them so much more when I meet them in their world instead of trying to drag them around while I’m adulting.

It’s nice to have a day, and my daughter’s babysitter organized an extremely cute hand-painted picture frame with a picture of her and me. I cried! Unfortunately that puts into greater relief the fact that my husband doesn’t plan anything, typically. (I’m “the planner” – one year he was even like “I thought you’d plan something” – but I draw the line at taking on the burden of planning my own celebration…!) I’m leaving space for tomorrow to be different, and I even gave my daughter (age 3) instructions this time (:o), but I’m keeping expectations low. Two days ago she said “You’re the best mama in the whole world!” unprompted. Every day is my day, good and bad.

Mother’s Day this year is also my husband’s birthday, and we have a newborn, sooo….survival mode and I think I will have to take a rain check this time.

One of my mom friends in the neighborhood decided that Mother’s Day will be the day her family throws an epic backyard party. We all have little kids, so they set up a bounce house and hire their babysitters for extra hands (this is clutch!!) The dads do all the coordinating of food and drink, so I just get to show up and sip rosé. It’s chaotic and fun, and it’s now the thing I look forward to the most on Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day makes me resentful because we always end up doing something for/with my MIL which means I don’t get to relax and it’s frustrating because I’m the one who is knee deep in parenting right now. Why do we have to go honor the woman who barely ever helps with her grandkids while I’m the who spends every waking moment with two toddlers. When I’m a grandma I’m going to make sure my daughter and DIL know that this day is about them. They should do what they want instead of thinking about me.

I am in the midst of IVF. I just finished my second egg retrieval and have had one failed embryo transfer. Sometimes, holidays like Christmas, Mothers Day, etc are hard. When you hop on social media you are bombarded with pictures of women with their kids. Why isn’t that me? Why don’t I have that yet? Then comes the thought of “how selfish am I to think that way? Not eveything is about me.” But, I just want to be a mom. Infertility and IVF leave you with a lot of complex emotions that can be hard to sort out at times.

Many of your comments resonated with my experience. In the past, I have had tough mother days because I was not speaking with my mom, or I had miscarriages. But this year is different. My mom arrived from Chile yesterday to attend my graduation ceremony happening today. She couldn’t attend my undergraduate or master’s graduation so it’s the first time that she will see me receive an academic degree. Someone recently told her that a PhD from Berkeley is kind of good so is she very proud now (after years of not understanding what I was doing). My kids, 3 and 6, are thrilled with her visit and it’s the first time we are together for mother’s day after working on problems that complicated our relationship for more that 10 years. It would have been hard to predict, one year ago, that this day was going to be a happy one. Hang in there, better things might be waiting for those who are going through tough times.

I’m not used to celebrating Mother’s Day as it wasn’t part of my culture growing up. My oldest child is two but I was in the survival mode since he was born so didn’t celebrate. I was excited to celebrate it this year as, frankly, I could use some appreciation from my family. Alas, everyone got sick a few days prior so instead of having a nice meal and enjoying myself, I’m spending this Mother’s Day as usual – tending to everyone’s needs but my own. Which brings me to the conclusion that I would probably be better off without Mother’s Day to avoid disappointment

How am I feeling about Mother’s Day? Angry, worried, disgusted. Maternal mortality rates are rising, especially among women of color. We lack federally subsidized univeral child care. And women are being forced to become mothers against their will, often to the detriment of their health and welfare, in many states. So what I usually do on Mother’s Day is make an extra donation to Planned Parenthood, The Center for Reproductive Rights, and Every Mother Counts. I also ask my representatives in congress to support the Universal Child Care and Early Learning Act. Thanks, and I hope that we can help make things a little better for women not just today but every day.

I just had a my first child 2.5 weeks ago and was hoping for a calm and quiet Mother’s Day. Instead I got a message from my own mother intending to guilt trip me for not reaching out to her before she reached out to me. I had been sleeping because I’m so exhausted. She attempted suicide while I was pregnant and has caused me so many complicated feelings. When she comes over to “help” with the baby it is not helpful and she overstays her welcome. Also, I don’t feel like a good mother and every time my husband tells me I am, I feel confused because I don’t see it. I think I’m doing ok but I really just hate this holiday and the pressure it puts on people.

My husband has metastatic cancer. Fortunately a full recovery is still on the table for him. We are hearing the results of his scans this week and I am terrified. Our daughter is not yet old enough to form long term memories. It’s possible we’re about to find out that I’m the only parent she gets. I am so grateful to be a mother, but this year it’s been a tough one.

Thank you everyone for your honest posts on this thread. You made it feel ok to share mine.

I have a friend who is choosing not to be a mom and posted on IG about how “It can feel isolating to not be part of the “club” and have friends not see you as someone who can empathize and lend an ear when it comes to the challenges of Mom life… You can be completely content without kids, and still feel sadness on Mother’s Day.” While I understand what she’s feeling, could this post have waited a day? Can mom’s have ONE DAY where they don’t have to worry about someone else’s feelings and choices? Does she have to make Mother’s Day about herself or can she just celebrate moms for one day!? Am I being insensitive and too harsh here?