Looks like your answer is in your question. You don’t feel the need to have a child so don’t have one. You are happy the way you are. There is no guarantee you won’t regret it but you will have taken the best decision at the time

Happy to start this thread, but take it with a grain of salt – I’m 37 and 8 months pregnant after a 2 year-long fertility journey. When my husband and I met 10 years ago, neither of us could imagine having children. We had so much going on in our lives, so much personal and professional growth we wanted (and needed) to do, that the idea of bringing a child into that felt laughable, and even irresponsible. We got a dog 2 months into living together and all of the complications she brought really solidified that feeling. But for us, because change and challenge and growth are so important, eventually we came to trust in our ability to take on another new big life change. In some ways the question came down to desire to be parents to a child combined with our level of trust in ourselves as individuals and as a couple to cope with all the small and massive challenges parenthood would bring into our lives. We now have this great big history together of facing and coming through significant challenges stronger and more resilient. So even while we know that parenthood, and especially the early days/months/years are going to be full of challenges that have the potential to exhaust and shake us to our core, we are walking open-eyed into the abyss knowing that the foundations we have in ourselves and our relationship are strong enough to get us through it.

This is a very long-winded way of saying, I believe that as we come to the question of parenthood later in life we go in with lots of information and clear eyes as to the challenges ahead, and rightfully ask the question of whether it is worth it. And much of that answer probably depends on how much challenge you are wanting, willing, and able to take on in your lives. You know it will be hard even if as it will have moments of huge reward and mind-bending joy. Are you ready and wanting to take on all the hard and grow through it together? You can still be terrified of the unknown levels of hard, but if the answer is yes, you can bravely move forward on that path. For many people, there is no shame in saying no, “we don’t want, need, or enjoy the idea of adding these new and massive challenges to our happy life. we are content as we are.” And that’s so valid.

I hope this helps add at least one helpful angle for evaluating this question.

I didn’t want kids, and then my nephews came along. They were these bundles of joy and love and giggles and they were my favorite people. I was in my early thirties by then and decided it wouldn’t be “so bad” if one day I had my own. Around 33, I went off the pill because of some family medical history that became clear, and instead of trying to prevent it, my long time partner and I just figured if it happened, it happened.

By 38, it hadn’t, and I was starting to worry a bit. Was I too late? Was there something wrong? I was set to discuss it at my next annual a few months out. But as luck has it, I was pregnant by then. My son is almost 6 now. We moved from Atlanta – a city I loved and miss every day – back to suburban hometown Ohio to be with our families and give our son cousins (since he doesn’t have siblings). He’s my love. My heart. I know someday he’ll leave for college – or probably a girl, knowing this kid – and as sad as it makes me, being his mom is a gift.

I’ve been a high-achieving career person my whole life – I still am – and it’s hard. It’s really, really hard. But for me, this kid who is sitting next to me in the morning on my old tablet is pure joy (while also being a total pain in the rear; big feelings, picky, had Strep and Flu A in the last two months ….).

I often joke he needed an older sister – he idolizes his older female cousins. It’s obviously too late for that, but sometimes I do ever so slightly wish that I’d started sooner. Or I wish COVID hadn’t scared the bejesus out of me health-wise. It would have been the time to have a second, but that ship has well sailed genetically.

Only you can decide. If your heart is telling you no, then it’s clearly no. I think it’s ok to give yourself permission to be you and live your life! Best of luck and hugs.

As many others have shared – this is a deeply personal decision and definitely not one to make just because you feel pressure. I am 36 and just had my first. It’s a lot of work and there have been some tough moments. That said, I can’t / don’t want to imagine life without this little guy now. He really has given my life new meaning. I also think about the future and what I want my dinner table / house to look like in 5,10,15 years. I want a full table, bustling with energy and stories and love. So I’m willing to accept some challenging days / years now.

I was similar to you and just never felt “ready” to have a baby. But I knew I wanted family so around the same age we started trying. We now have a 2.5 year old toddler who I love more than life itself. Is it hard; undoubtedly. But do I love all of it, including the craziness, more than I ever thought possible? Absolutely. I do see how it isn’t for everyone and don’t think anyone else can make that decision for you. But for me personally, my only regret was ever doubting I could be a mom.

What bothers me about the internet – and why I’m not on social media anymore – is that it feels like people either present parenthood as perfectly perfect OR horrifically hard. There doesn’t seem to be anything in between. I never felt strongly about having children and neither did my husband. When I met eachother at age 30, having a family together made sense – we generally agree on life choices and felt confident that we’d be able to find a supportive, loving and healthy way to work together as parents. We now have two wonderful kids. Our life is neither perfect nor hard. Our kids are easygoing and love to travel. We both have jobs we like, and feel content and happy with the season of life we’re in. We really enjoy spending time as a family. For us, it feels like the main reason we’re feeling this way is because we are fully committed to each other and our kids, to both the extreme joy and the imperfections children bring to our life, and we don’t try to continue to have the same life we had before kids (we don’t really long for it anymore either, which makes me feel like we were ready to have kids). I’m not sure if this helps. But I wanted to share it. Have you considered talking with a couples therapist about this?

I was in your position at 38 except that my husband really wanted kids. I had twins at 39 and I don’t regret it. A lot of people at 38 are heavily invested in their careers, which I was not. Trying to keep that up and be a mom might be draining some people you see. When I had twins I was expecting some kind of emotional epiphany that didn’t occur. I was expecting to ‘fall’ in love. At a certain point babies don’t even smile, and for me it was hard to relate. But now I have these happy little toddlers whom I miss greatly when we’re apart. I do feel like there is more love in my life now even if there is less time for the internet. But, one thing that pregnancy taught me is that everyone is different. You might have a different before and a different after than me. But I do think that change leads to growth. If you do have kids you will have a totally different perspective on the world, for better or worse.

While it’s a very personal decision, you described the situation I was in with my husband almost to a t. We had cats instead of dogs though. We ultimately decided to have kids. You’re seeing the depression and tiredness from the outside and young kids are very tiring. I’m 39 now with a 2 year old and a 4 month old and I’m tired all the time. But it was very much worth it. My 2 year old’s view of the world is often insightful, curious, and hilarious. I love seeing my 4 month old meet his milestones with a huge grin on his face. Yeah, we deal with the downsides (it’s called the terrible twos for a reason), but the upsides far outweigh it. Time has flown by with my children in my life. And while my pets were very important to me, my children are much more important. It’s kind of hard to describe when you haven’t had them yet.

good luck making your decision

I grew up indifferent to becoming a parent. I then found an openness to becoming one if I was the right partner. I didn’t want to parent on my own for the sake of being a parent; I needed to know my partner was in it just as much as me. I have friends where the woman is assumed to be the lead parent. I have friends where the partnership is clearly healthy. I have friends without kids. Ultimately, we chose to have a child. She’s almost 2 years old now and I can say it was a good decision for us. It’s come with challenges of course, but I don’t regret having a child. That said, I’ve made a point to not “just become a mom” – I’m still everything else I was before with the added label of “mom.” I’m of the opinion that if you continue to date your partner, maintain friendships, do your hobbies, create time for yourself, you can find balance.

I relate to this so much. Such a similar situation, feelings, and conversations in our house. My husband was more vocal about wanting kids, whereas I had reservations. Ultimately for me it came to three things that made my decision.
1. I realized I’d probably never be that person who was so overly excited for children, longing for it every waking moment.
2. With that expectation of myself dropped, I recognized I was ready for “the next stage of life” (at least that is how I view parenthood)
3. When I thought about 30 yrs from now, I decided I did want to have a family beyond just my husband and I.
It’s totally personal, but after those three “lightbulb moments” for me, and discussing with my husband, we decided to go for it! Currently pregnant, and I can say I am excited, I think because I got honest with myself and dropped the expectations. you’ll know what’s right for you when you decide.

I’m a 67 year old mother of 4 and grandmother of 8, so definitely a Boomer full of Boomer attitudes but I also feel like I can offer a long view. First, do you know any kids or have experience with any kids? Do you like and enjoy kids, even while being aware that they’re actual people and not just cuddly angels? Or devils, either, but growing and changing little humans. 😉 Are you flexible and tolerant of changes in your life, even if those changes are mostly positive? To answer what seems to be your primary question, yes, kids take a massive toll on your life. But so does anything worth doing. Training for and running a race takes a toll on your life, but the benefits are so worth it. Raising 4 kids was a lot of work and expense, but also joy and growth. At 67, my children and in-law children are the people in this world my husband and I are closest too. Our grandchildren are a source of joy and keep us young and outward-facing. I read a quote somewhere that if a person was planning a dinner party for the people she most wanted to spend time with, she’d invite her adult children and their partners. This is true for me. So, if you and your husband are happy with your life and have everything you need for growth and fulfillment, by all means remain “child-free.” But, consider the your future as well.

Our society does not make answering this question easy. I was never a woman who just HAD to be a mother. My husband and I have been together for 18 years (married for 8) and struggled with fertility for 6 years. We were both back and forth/on the fence about having children, especially because it didn’t come easy for us. We were ok with not having kids, but there was a part of me that would have regretted not trying–for me that meant going as far as IUI but not IVF. After two rounds of IUI, we now have a 3 week old daughter. My birth experience was traumatic, but even though I’m new to the parent club, I can tell you that all the pain and effort and heartbreak was worth it to look at this little creature we made. To me–there are two sides of the coin. (1) The people who really don’t want kids know that they don’t want them. (2) And then there are people who try but are ok with the outcome of no kids. The hesitancy I sense in you is being scared that things will change and being afraid of the unknown. There are SO many unknowns. But ultimately if you feel peace and ease with not having kids and not trying to have kids, then there’s no reason to doubt your choice.

In therapy, we talk about the differences between making an emotion-driven decision versus a value-driven decision. The idea is that values tend to be more stable and “true,” while emotions are shorter-lasting and aren’t always accurate predictors of the future.

I could imagine it being helpful to have a conversation with your partner in which you each articulate your values. Then you two could explore how having a child or not relates to each value (e.g., we have a shared value of community and here’s how we imagine having a child would contribute to our sense of/activities related to community and here’s how it could be in tension with that value by impacting our time, availability, resources, etc.).

Another conversation could focus on the *emotions* associated with this decision (e.g., fear, anxiety, excitement, curiosity, envy, ambivalence, etc.). As you talk through and receive feedback from each other on each emotion, you may understand better the thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions feeding each one.

Some of those emotions may be “addressable” — i.e., for anxiety, you may identify specific fears, such as experiencing clinical depression, and create plans to mitigate these possibilities (e.g., having proactive conversations with your medical team, naming between you and your partner how you balance/divide up parenting tasks, identifying support people, having conversations with current parent friends about what they found most helpful, etc.).

This framework is agnostic to any particular outcome, but identifies a process by which to explore how you’re approaching the decision.

I had my baby in August at 36. My husband and I both have very demanding careers, our own business ventures, and some real estate investments (and two dogs!). We loved life before our son, and we love it even more now. He has brought us so much joy. That being said, I think it’s worked well for us for multiple reasons, the two most important being that we have a ton of support from local family, friends, and my job, and we have made him a part of our life. We bring him everywhere with us. It’s certainly challenging in different ways, but it is so fulfilling for us. I was also fearful of losing my identity because I had invested so much in my career, etc., but I haven’t found this to be an issue after he was born – I am still me, but with another (and the best) title of mom. What helped us when making the decision to have kids was thinking of life 20 years from now. Would we regret not having a family at that point in life? For us, absolutely. You will ultimately know what decision is best for both of you!

No. Lol jk it’s obviously not that simple, but I’ll share my experience in case it helps. Disclaimer because moms online can be very mean and misinterpret anything that is not completely positive about parenting: I love my kids, I didn’t know I could feel love like this, my world has expanded they are wonderful I enjoy being a mother and I am doing a good job.

Now for the experience: I was in a verrrry similar position before I chose to become a parent, except my partner desperately wanted to be a parent so there was a little added pressure that helped push me over into the “ok I’ll do it” camp. I had twins. They needed nicu time. We couldn’t find a daycare that would take both for over a year. I was an extremely happy, lively, adventurous person pre-kid, and now every day is a challenge, it’s very difficult to access that part of myself, and I find myself really struggling to not waste these years when they’re young wishing we could just fast forward to when it will be a little easier. No I don’t regret becoming a parent, but yes I was *happier* and enjoyed my life *more* before becoming a parent. I feel lucky that my kids are now healthy and developing typically but I also know parents whose kids aren’t, and just the fact that it could be even harder or sadder than I imagined (or could be more than one kid lol) isn’t something I considered before making the decision. Everyone says it gets easier and I know it will, and I’m sure I’ll go back to being happy when I’m not fighting for my life every single day lol. I just keep thinking how if I wasn’t sure I wanted kids before making the decision I would be really miserable right now. If your parent friends seem more depressed it’s because they are. I think people who are deciding this very difficult thing to decide should be made fully aware that it may mean sacrificing happiness and productivity at your job and potentially friendships and a lot lot lot of money for a few years for the hope of whatever fulfillment comes when you’re older and they’re more independent and you get a bit of your life back.

I know this is so hard. Solidarity, friend.

A baby wont bring you ultimate happiness or ultimate unhappiness. But it will make you a hell of a lot stronger, resilient, patient, appreciative, and joyful. There will be unhappy moments and challenging times. But everything in parenting and life is temporary.

I was in similar shoes as you a few years ago. My husband and I had been married for six years and really loved our life. We got to travel a lot, both focus on serious careers, and otherwise lead fulfilling lives. But we saw the clock ticking and realized we needed to make a decision. Neither of us was sure! But we looked to what our lives would be like at 70, and we realized that we wanted to have our kids at our thanksgiving table. The only way to do that was to have kids now. So we did; I had my first at 36 and am pregnant now with my second. Life is absolutely crazy, but I love it.

My partner and and I also had a very tough time with this decision. He wanted kids and I didn’t. After a lot of discussion, we ultimately decided to have a child, who is now 3 months old. I don’t regret having a kid, and so far I have really enjoyed becoming a mother. But I also know now if we had made the other decision and didn’t have children, I would have been happy and had a fulfilling life just the two of us. I think the hardest part is making the decision. There is a sort of relief once you make your decision, you can accept your choice and move forward…you just have to stick with it and know you made the best one you could.

This is such a huge question and one it makes sense to struggle with! I encourage you to ask your friends; it varies but I know I often have honest conversations with my friends about the hard and great parts of parenting. I think it’s important to acknowledge there will be some regret whatever decision you make. I love my baby and being a parent, and sure, I miss my old life and freedom sometimes. What are your values as a person, and as a couple with your partner? Exploring this really helps figure out what’s important to you and what guides your life. I would also add there’s an excellent Instagram account and podcast called kidsorchildfree which explores this exact question and might help you decide, too.

I was 45 when I had my one and only child. My husband and I were ambivalent about it in our 30s and I always felt that children deserved to be truly wanted so we thought we might never have them. But one day that feeling changed. We started trying when I was 42. Being older meant some heartache as the miscarriage rate gets close to 50%. But we ended up with a healthy baby. When the desire to have a baby came to me I felt it so strongly, I had no doubts or hesitations. But still I have struggled at times as a mom. Our society isn’t as supportive as it could be to families of young children. But I have no regrets. Being a mom has changed and enriched my life in many ways. But it also limited it too. I was a better aunt to my nephews when I didn’t have a child ( free to pitch in and drive to my sisters when she needed help) but after my own son was born, between work and parenting I was stretched pretty thin. I feel like I gave up some freedom when I became a mom. It was like a trade and for me it was a good trade. But I know I could’ve been happy and had a good life either way. No one else can really tell you what is right for you. That answer lies within. I will say my own strong desire to have a baby came on after I was in therapy and healed some childhood hurts that had been deep inside and just under the surface at the same time. If it’s weighing heavily on your mind, a good therapist might help you find the answers that are within you

First, I fully support people who choose to be child free. I think that can be a great and thoughtful choice for people — and may be a great and thoughtful choice for you!

I’d like to reflect on what you may see as your parent friends being miserable though because, from the outside, I could very well see myself looking like that friend. Parenting creates a lot of exhaustion and stress, especially on relationships. BUT while I might not always be happy with parenting (just like folks are not always happy with any part of life) it is the most fulfilling and gratifying thing I’ve ever done.

Sometimes I feel the loss of my old identity, but mostly, I feel like my children have pushed me forward in new ways that wouldn’t have been possible without children. My self-knowledge, emotional intelligence, problem-solving, creativity, and so many other parts of me have grown through this experience. For those who have unresolved emotional pain from childhood, parenting can poke at those wounds but also give you the opportunity to finally tend to them and heal. I feel like I’m leveling up towards self-actualization in ways I couldn’t have achieved on my own.

Parenting young children is especially hard on relationships, and candidly, there have been a lot more arguments and feelings of disconnection with my partner since we became parents together. BUT we are also acting as a team constantly and appreciate each other in new ways. I know that, when we get through this phase of life, we’ll be a better couple for having faced this challenge together. In many ways, this is already happening for us, even when things are hard, and all it takes to reconnect is intentional time together.

And then there are some parts of parenting that make me unambiguously happy. I had an unbelievably tough day at work yesterday (like the sobbing kind), and being with my kids totally turned it around. Watching my baby crawl for the first time and my toddler draw our family with increasing skill, joy, and humor filled me up in a way that nothing else can do for me. I get to play outside, run around, be silly, use my imagination, and see these amazing people grow right in front of me and help them become who they truly are inside.

For me, parenting has been amazing, so it’s okay if it also makes me look and feel sort of miserable sometimes. Oh, and as for our dog, while I’m sure he regrets getting less attention and adoration from us than he was used to, he now gets a ton of people food (dropped by the baby) and sweet pets from our gentle toddler. So, while increasingly old and crotchety, I think he is also satisfied with his new life situation!

It’s so hard but this was my experience. I was 35 and my husband and I had made up our mind we weren’t going to have kids for the reasons you mentioned. We were happy, loved our freedom, traveled, weren’t stressed and were rocking our careers. At 36, I had an unplanned pregnancy. I was devastated because the life I had envisioned was no more. Fast forward and I’m now the mom of the most precious 4 year old and every day I say to my husband, can you imagine if we hadn’t had him? He is the absolute best thing in my life. But it IS hard. It WILL cause stress in your marriage. Your lifestyle WILL change, however for me, it is totally worth it for the simple joy and love he also brings to our family. But that’s part of what makes it so sweet I think. You go through these tough periods and come out the other side stronger, more resilient and empowered. By the time he was 2, we were traveling again, going out, and back to our adventure lifestyle – just now with a little guy in tow and it’s been a dream. He certainly doesn’t make much easier right now, but all the hard work is so worth it for us. It’s such a hard decision when you are on the fence. It has been the most challenging work we’ve ever done but also the most rewarding and life changing in the best way. In hindsight, we were ready for something different and when I now look back to who I was pre-child, I can’t relate to what was important to me then. My son has made life harder but in the best way possible. You have to be open to going through challenges knowing the reward is sweet.

My husband and I met at 23 and on our first date he asked me if I wanted kids and how many and we both agreed two would be nice. So for us it was never a question of if, but when. I got pregnant with my first at 31 and was heavily on the career track and I will admit it was a shock. I live in Canada so I had a year off and I felt very isolated and out of the loop. My friends (and husband!) were still going to work and socializing and I was home alone all day.I was also incredibly bored and found baby groups mind-numbing. I didn’t want to talk about my baby all day with other moms, I wanted to talk about the Venezuelan oil crisis!

Finally at 8 months I asked a friend why anyone chose to have kids because it was not fun at all, and she said “I don’t think it’s SUPPOSED to be fun exactly…” and that’s when it hit me that I was looking at it all wrong. I had assumed people had kids because it was fun, but a lot of times it isn’t fun. Now that my kids are older it is fun a lot of the time, but what it is ALL of the time is meaningful.

Your kid is having a tantrum and you remained calm? You can feel good about that. Your child is being bullied at school and you advocate for them? You can feel proud of that. Watching them learn to excel at things you taught them and enjoy doing with them like biking and skiing is THE BEST.

My husband is in the military and has been to both Afghanistan and Iraq in combat roles. If you listen to veterans, they tell horror stories, but they would always go back in a heartbeat and do it again. They will describe it as the best time in their lives. Which as a non veteran sounds insane! You were in mortal danger! You saw friends die! You pooped into a bag for a year! But they used their skills to try to better Anna’s situation, and found deep meaning and purpose from that.

My kids are my Afghanistan and Iraq. And the fact that they’re fun now is just the cherry on top, not the whole reason for having them.

It’s not always fun, but it is always meaningful.

I hope that helps.

Such a personal decision and so many factors to consider! My husband and I now have two. I started in the camp of wanting many children my whole life, my husband wasn’t sure he wanted more than one. A few things surprised me on this journey that might be worth considering.
1) Having family support you trust to help is a massive game changer. We don’t have grandparents on either side that are capable of child care, but we do have one auntie that is able and willing. My friends with “grandparent” help are in a much different boat- they still took trips after one child, had regular date nights, etc.

2) the child’s temperament is huge and not something you can plan for. Our first was tough for the first year, but now is easier. Our second was a delight from the moment he was born. I have friends that have it harder and have it easier, but it definitely impacts the parenting journey!

3) Community can really make the difference between a joyful journey and a really hard lonely one. We found our community two years in and it has been a GAMECHANGER.

I’ll also so that for me, my life changed dramatically in ways I did not expect. I found it hard to “be the person I was” and that led to some months of poor mental health. But even now, I am different. I get feedback from friends without kids that I seem less happy. Nothing could be further from the truth for me, but I also don’t find pleasure in exactly the same things I did before. I guess I wonder if your friends are truly less happy or if they are happy in a different arena of life and it looks different.

Best of luck with your journey. Either way you go, it’ll be an adventure!

One thing to consider as well – your friends who have young kids and seem more unhappy, may be experiencing the throes of the first few years, and may feel very differently later on. For me, the first 2-3 years felt very hard, but now it is truly such a delight and my life is so much more improved with kids.

I’ve been there! You’re not alone. And, no matter what you decide, you and your partner are smart and thoughtful to consider this decisions. It is, in many ways, a small decision for hetero couples (do we skip the condom tonight?) but in many ways, it’s the biggest decision because it will affect the next 20 years of your life, and likely the remaining years of your life. So regardless of your decision, you’re smart (and not selfish) for considering this carefully.

That being said, of course there is no right answer. We were 34 when we got pregnant. I definitely didn’t “always know” I wanted a baby, but here I am at 40 with two small children, 2 and 5.

Everything about daily life changes when you have a baby, and the fatigue especially in the early years, is palpable. This is likely the cause of the depression you see in friends – fatigue.

Once you get past the fatigue and the physical healing (remember, in addition to pregnancy and birth, which is about a year or sometimes more) BFing can extend this journey for your body for many more years depending on how many kids you have. This is a big sacrifice if time and energy.

We must live and make decisions though, even without all the information about how it will go. And even knowing the downsides. For us, all the work, worry, discomfort, fatigue, tantrums, and even PPD, we’re totally worth it. Living as a family under one roof is a constant adventure. Sometimes a maddening one, but sometimes a euphoric one. In the end, bringing more love into this world has made me satisfied with my decision. Best of luck!!

I had two kids after I turned 40- currently seven weeks old and two years old. I had always wanted kids provided that I was with the right partner. The right partner for me came along in my late 30s and I do regret that we didn’t have more time to ourselves before the babies came because DANG I just like him so much. To be perfectly honest, there are days when I feel bonded to my children on a cellular level, and my heart feels so full, but there are other days when I am depressed about how little agency I have over my life. To be clear I am in the trenches right now with the little ones, but you have to be prepared for forgetting up small freedoms like when to shower and use the toilet and return phone calls. I haven’t been able to return to work full-time because of the professional demands on my partners time; I don’t think I could keep it together mentally or physically if I was dividing my capabilities between my kids and my demanding career. If you do decide to become parents, make sure you establish a bedrock of consistent support to whatever extent you can afford. Set clear expectations between you and your partner about roles and responsibilities, and revisit that conversation regularly as things in your life will change.

The best advice I have is to follow your heart (not your head).

We had our first when my wife was 36 and I was 40. We always knew we wanted kids but kept saying maybe next year.

Between diminishing happiness returns on a high income DINK lifestyle, friends and family increasingly having kids, and having some experiences during the pandemic that reminded us how short life can be and that tomorrow is not guaranteed – we got down to it.

And I can say in hindsight that the “calculus” I just outlined in the above paragraph didn’t even come close to giving proper weight to how full my heart is every time I hear her giggle.

I hope you have asked this in a forum for childless adults as well to get thoughts, because the answers you’ll get here are mostly going to be from people who are parents, and they are obviously biased.

If you are asking parents whether it’ll really always suck – no. The first year sucked, 2-3 was hard, it gets better. But your relationship with your partner and with yourself will change a lot after a child enters the picture. Do you have a village of support or the means to hire them?

We are one and done because we do not want to repeat the early years and don’t feel like there’s another child missing in our lives. So I would never judge someone for deciding not to have children to begin with. I don’t think having children is “right” for every person and while people may have FOMO, it’s important that they make the choice best suited for them.

Some alternative thoughts: could you borrow (babysit) your friends’ kids to “try” parenting? Do you think being foster parents could provide similar meaning in your lives (and help kids who need temporary loving homes, have one)?

You can hear the fear in this question – and it’s not unwarranted. Getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth, parenting…so much of the decision to have kids is just plain scary. Top it off with general life stressors of job, family, health, finances now compounded by this new, helpless little person and it can feel like A LOT. That being said – having a baby, becoming a parent, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I had my first at 39 and my second at 43 (surprise!). When I got pregnant with my first I was excited but so anxious. And I won’t lie – it was an enormous shock to the system. An existential crisis, even. You might not “lose yourself” but you will be changed and it’s a jarring transition especially (I think) when you’re an older parent. But once you do make that transition and look back on yourself before your child, it feels – for me – like so so so much growth. You’re no longer living simply for yourself. Dare I even say your life is given new purpose? I think the only true preparation there can be is a willingness to let go, to become a new version of yourself. I don’t think any parent regrets having kids, we don’t dwell on that because the person who made that decision is no longer completely in our new reality. You just do it. And as hard as it can be, my god it’s the best. There’s nothing to compare it to. Just remember that expression, “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way”

I’m 35 and just had my first baby with my partner. I had very similar reservations, and then due to a fluke with my IUD, ended up pregnant by surprise! It’s a good thing I did because I don’t know how I ever would have decided that the time was right. I was also worried that being a mom would ruin a life that I so enjoyed. We are early in our parenting journey (bb is only 11 weeks), but I can say that for me parenting has come so naturally and all of the life changes that come with it have been very welcome so far. 0 regrets!

I saw someone on Instagram post this passage from Rob Delaney’s book, and I think it sums up having kids nicely.

Whenever someone tells me they’re expecting their first baby and they’re nervous,
I tell them the following:
“Oh my goodness. that’s wonderful. I am so happy for you.
Listen, of course you’re nervous but here’s the deal: you’re ready for all the bad stuff. You ve been very tired before.
You’ve been in pain before. You’ve
been worried about money before. You’ve felt like an incapable moron before.
So you’ll be fine with the difficult parts! You’re already a pro.
What you’re NOT ready for is the wonderful parts. NOTHING can prepare you for how amazing this will be.

If you two take some time and fully weigh out the benefits and losses (literally, on paper) of being a parent and you find that there is STILL no clear answer, look up Ruth Chang’s ‘How to make hard choices’ on YouTube. When each choice is weighed equally, I go here for perspective and it empowers me.

One important thing—make sure you have established EQUITY in household life with your spouse. Are you doing all of the invisible/emotional labor? I would not recommend having a kid if that is the case because you will be shouldered with even more (which is what makes many heteronormative moms so desperate and drowning).

On a personal note, what people don’t mention is how long the bad period can last. We are still doing some sleepless nights and ours is 3.5. I am personally much worse post-kid (mental health, physically, financially), even with real equity at home, and YET it’s impossible to have regrets because she’s a f*cking marvel and the highs are beyond anything imaginable (just go in knowing the lows are too).

I really was against children for most of my life. I had a horrible childhood, terrible relationship with my alcoholic, mentally ill mom who abandoned us but kept coming back when it was convenient for her only, and I was very selfish. I didn’t have children in my life and I also didn’t really have any mother/parent role models to look up to. I didn’t want to give up freedom or money or time.

And then I got a little older and my husband started to want kids. And I did a lot of therapy around my mom issues and realized being a mother doesn’t have to be like my mom.

I realized the thing keeping me from kids was fear of the unknown and my self doubt. And I realized I wouldn’t turn into my mom because while I also have some mental illness, we cope with it in vastly different ways.

And then my husband said “if we decide not to have kids, and I lose you, I’ll feel a lot of regret because I won’t have anything left of you.” And that just hit me because I realized I felt the exact same way about him. We ended up going through infertility treatments that were so, so hard on me. It was one of the major low points of my life, and even made me reconsider having kids. But I kept thinking about myself and my husband when we are 80. What would that look like? And I just keep envisioning our grandchildren, our adult children. It feels right with them in it vs without them.

And now, 4 years later, I have a 16 month old. I had severe postpartum depression, I didn’t bond with him until he was around a year old. I had multiple postpartum ER visits and I’m still dealing with some health PTSD from it.

Babies are terrible (I am not a baby person). I had a “good” baby and it was still more than I could handle a lot of the time. Having a partner that did most of the baby care so I could focus on feeding our son and taking care of myself was vital. I did what I could when I could.

But now he’s a toddler and I love him so much more. We are definitely more bonded; having his feedback helps me so much. Even when he’s having a tantrum, it’s great because I usually can understand why and I can help him through it. His communication is more varied, and he is beginning to show preferences. It’s wonderful. Seeing him learn something new, figure something out, is so freaking cool. Seeing little bits of us in his emerging personality is also really cool. Everyone says to soak baby time up because it goes so fast but to me, that was a blessing.

I say that because if you DO decide to have a baby and it ends up being like nothing you thought and that’s scary and makes you regret, it’s normal, and you shouldn’t feel bad about feeling that way. It’ll pass with time.

I think sometimes from the outside looking in, your friends might seem miserable with kids, but that’s because having kids is hard. There is no way around that, but what you don’t see from the outside is how much joy kids bring to your life. It’s hard
To even put into words the love and joy your kids bring you. My husband and I say all the time, that there really is nothing in life you can compare having kids to…it’s simultaneously the hardest thing we have ever done and also the best. I get how we can look miserable to those without kids. It’s not as easy to go out to dinner on a whim let alone on vacations, that may outwardly seem miserable. But it’s so worth it! My husband did not want kids at all for a long time and I finally warmed him up to the idea, and he thanks me everyday for encouraging him to have our daughters! All that being said, certainly don’t have kids if you don’t want them!! My husband deals with the emotional toll to this day he feels from having parents who made it clear his whole life they hated kids.

I was in the same boat, we decided to go for it and oh my god. This is the hardest best thing I’ve ever done. I’m obsessed with my little guy and over the moon to have him. I have much higher highs and much lower lows. But those higher highs are worth it all.

That being said if you decide to go for it, please make sure you regularly check your fertility numbers, I’m 39 now and dealing infertility trying for our second.

I had a baby a year ago at 36. In therapy leading up to giving birth I worried a lot about how my identity would change. How my very full and fulfilling life would change when this baby arrived, but all through that I knew I felt really called to be a mom. And now that she’s been here a year I can say that all that remains true. I absolutely love being a mom and I am still struggling to accept that I can’t do all the things that I loved to do before she was born. I’m thinking about reducing my hours at work, not to spend more time with my kid but rather to maximize my time with childcare to fit more of my adult things into my days. It is very fulfilling AND very hard. I have a parter who does his share and more and we can afford full time daycare and it is hard. So all that is to say I absolutely don’t regret it but I feel more strongly now that having kids is not for everyone and that is totally ok too.

I don’t know if my comment will add any value because a lot of what I am writing here has been said by the other commenters. I agree with a lot of what has been said, and I think mainly with these three points:

1. Your decision should probably be based on what you want your meaningful life to be about and whether you want a “meaningful” life at all.

One of the commenters mentioned that meaningful lives are hard and that is true; whether you decide to focus on having a life that includes raising children and working, or pouring all your energies into fixing climate change or other meaningful projects that require a lifetime of dedication. This is not to say that having children means you can’t do other meaningful projects, but what I am saying is that having children is an example of a meaningful life project and one thing that defines all meaningful projects is that they are complex or hard, and not walks in the park. There’s a lot of psychology and philosophy books that explore this, and a very pop culture book: “the subtle art of not giving a f$&ck”

2. The second point is around whether people with kids are unhappier than people without them, which is what you seem to notice from your friend group.

I think how we perceive others is always riddled with bias and our search for validation. I am 35 years old, and have some friends with kids, some friends who try out them and what I can say from my biased perception is that some people with kids look happy and maybe a bit tired, and some of my friends without kids are doing fine but seem restless in their own ways, as if they are searching for some meaning. Yet, I also have friends without kids who are doing great.. and these individuals have likely found something worthwhile to pour their attentions to and “fight for”. When it comes to this, I agree with the comment that said that parents that look unhappy are likely unhappy not because they had children, but because how they are managing it is not working for them, and something likely needs to change.

In my experience the parents that are more “unhappy” tend to be focused too much on our social media world of parenting and all the expectations that society is imposing on parents and primarily mothers/working mothers. I think when one becomes a parent there is a pull for making sure we are doing all the right things and doing it the right way. But what we forget is that not all families are made the same way and not all children need the same things, so this way of thinking about following the “right way” is going to at some point make the person unhappy when they realize expectation does not equal reality. So, my two cents on this is that if you decide to be a parent make sure you come up with your own way, that you agree with your partner and are flexible, because like with any meaningful thing in life: change will be the only constant.

3. This brings me to my final point: the need for a village.

My only caveat to everything I wrote above is that I do believe it’s more pleasant to raise children when you have a village that supports you. Whether it’s grandparents living close who can help with occasional pickups or sick days, or an aunt/uncle or a really good friend, these people are invaluable in helping you raise a child while you still enjoy other aspects of your life. Going back to the “unhappy” vs “happy” parents, my friends who have children who look more “unhappy” (at least in my biased perspective) seem to be missing the village. I am fortunate to have both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles all in close proximity, so my son and future second son can have that in their earlier years. I don’t know if I would have a second child if I didn’t have that, because it’s what saves me on the days that I need it the most.

Remember that this decision is about you and your partner and no one else. Good luck!

I was exactly you three years ago. My husband and I were completely undecided. When do you decide, okay it’s time to upend my life and make everything way harder? Can’t wait to deal with all the misery of caring for a newborn. It’s extremely hard. All of the negatives I saw and heard from people really weighed on me and made it seem like having kids was going to be a miserable experience. One day though we just decided, hey let’s see what happens. And I got pregnant. I am so glad we did this. It is an experience unlike any other and watching all of it has been so interesting. It also wasn’t nearly as bad as I was imagining in my head. It was hard, yes, but totally doable. My 18 months old is so cute. I am typing this at nine am on our way to the beach. Just decided at eight to take the trip. Diaper bag is always packed. Just made breakfast real quick and hopped in the car. Parenting is what you make of it. It’s my firm belief (maybe wrong) that anyone on the fence should just do it. I think people who really don’t want kids know it. Will you regret not having kids? Probably not. But if you think that growing and raising a child with your partner would be an interesting and rewarding experience you should do it.

Big caveat. For those who are married. You need a strong foundation. You need to understand your own emotions, communicate them, and you need to be able to talk to your partner and feel you can trust them and vice versa. You need to learn to take care of a kid together and it’s something neither of you has ever done before. It is very easy for one person to just start doing things, start doing things “their way” then the other partner doesn’t know what to do, then resentment builds. It becomes a mess. You gotta parent together. That part is difficult and depends on each partners personality and preferences.

Anyway I hope this helps. My two cents.

There are so many helpful perspectives here, enough to wade through already, but I will offer this advice after a fertility journey: consider freezing your eggs now, or, if you’re in a state that doesn’t seem like it’ll go after IVF access, freeze embryos. It seems crazy to undertake fertility preservation when you don’t know if you’ll need it, but it can alleviate some of the stress that comes with aging. That way, your younger, preferably genetically tested embryos (or younger eggs!) will be available for your use when you’re ready. Apologies if someone already said this—my older child wants to go through his Kindergarten schoolwork folder so I don’t have time to read all the comments! <3

Maybe this is trite, but have children if you want to take on the work of having children. It’s not a magic recipe for life fulfillment — it’s a massive 24/7 second job with the potential of being tremendously fulfilling, but only if it’s work you want to do for the next 20 years. Do you enjoy mentoring clueless younger people? EXTREMELY clueless younger people? Younger people who are so clueless they’ve forgotten to check if they have bodily needs? Younger people who think they know everything but actually they want to run into traffic and they know nothing but you can’t tell them that or they’ll collapse and you’ll have to carry them? You mentor them and they learn and it’s incredible, but it’s a lot of work.

Parenting is bound to bring up old memories. How do you feel about your childhood? Will recalling it be positive? Will it make you want to improve on it? Will it be traumatic and get in your way? It’s bound to bring up your feelings about yourself and your partner. When they do something that’s weirdly and startlingly like you, will it be charming? Flattering? Delightful? Embarrassing? Something you feel you have to apologize for your kid for? Something you have to get them to suppress? Have kids if you like yourself enough to enjoy seeing your traits modified and remixed into a cute incompetent new person who you want to support.

In short, don’t have kids because of what they can do for you. Have kids because of what you want to do for them, and how much you will enjoy that. (Or don’t have kids because you think you won’t.) They will stubbornly turn out to be their own people, so you can’t count on them to provide any particular thing for them. But if you will enjoy the work, and it is work, it’s very worthwhile.

Speaking as someone who loves mentoring kids and would have burned down my life to have them, but I’m in the process of splitting up with someone who won’t visit his absolutely incredible daughter. Please don’t do it if you don’t want to do the thing that it is.

Having a child isn’t for the faint of heart. We were just having this conversation with my brother, who is on the same boat as you, sans dog. He’s 35, a software engineer, with a nice partner who’s a psychologist working in the private sector. They love to travel and have looked after my kids from time to time and seem to get overwhelmed after a few hours. I think it is hard for people used to order and the life of the mind to deal with newborn babies and toddlers. The thing is, being present and interacting during the first three years of life is so important. I’d say it’s significantly easier after that unless you have a child with a disability (one of mine has autism) and you disagree on parenting strategies (time outs vs positive discipline, table manners, after school activities and division of labor). However, at the end of the day I would not exchange my kids for anything in the world, so perhaps it’s worth it. I do see a lot of couples who can’t sustain the weight and end up divorcing. Don’t underestimate how hard it will be. Best of luck to you.

I feel the choice to have a child or not should come down to a few things… do you feel a calling to be a mother? If you feel a calling deep down inside you somewhere then you should experience motherhood. We have a 10 month old and it is so very difficult. I miss my old life, my old self, my old body. But the moments of wonder and beauty with our son make the struggle worth it.

I could have written this a few years ago. Reading the below linked piece by Cheryl Strayed gave me the clarity I needed after years of fence-sitting. Maybe it will help you, too. https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

My husband and I for the longest time didn’t think we were going to have kids for a variety of reasons (i.e. concern about how having a kid would impact our marriage, losing our own identities and having to give up our interests, and also feeling like maybe not everyone is meant to be a parent based on our experiences growing up). There is tremendous pressure to have kids in our society. We ultimately decided to have a child and I delivered our son when I was 37. He is now 2.5 years old. While our lives have obviously changed in many ways we still make time for our own interests. I exercise on the weekends and my husband will golf. We don’t get to do “what we want” as much as we could pre-kid but we make it a priority. The first year was very difficult mostly due to sleep deprivation. We talked a lot about how we pictured our lives as we got older and we ultimately made the decision to have a child. I’ve always had the same thought and have said no one will tell you if they regret having a child. I really don’t regret the decision but definitely have moments where I think this is hard!! My husband and I dated for a long time before we were married and I don’t miss our life pre-kid per say. I continue to work full time and while that can be stressful I also love my job and it’s an important part of my identity. I understand the feeling of getting older and feeling the weight of having to make a decision. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have.

Okay, I love this question and have so many thoughts on it. To set the stage: I have four kids ages 10-1, and professionally work in the mental health field as a social worker, with a lot of experience working with parents in that context.

I deeply love being a parent and wouldn’t change a thing. I also think there are a lot of cultural reasons that many American parents appear (or are) unhappy, and some of them are actually avoidable.

A big thing is feeling isolated, and there is a reality to the lack of social supports, the lack of a village. Some of this is out of our hands as modern, western people, but some of it can be within our control. New parents can and should ask for and accept help. Have friends without kids? Don’t be afraid to recruit and enjoy some free babysitting so you and your partner can get some quality time together without completely breaking the bank. Have friends with older kids? Ask for one to come be a mother’s helper for $10-20 when you go to the beach or for a day at home when you could use some extra hands. Have friends with babies? Make a plan to meet at the park for a walk and/or coffee together weekly, and a kid-free mom’s night monthly.

When our kids were young, my husband and I made a decision not to feel limited to going to “family” things. That means we have committed to teaching our kids from an early age how to be in, behave appropriately in, and ultimately enjoy things like restaurants, museums, going on hikes, etc. that a lot of my friends with kids don’t feel able to enjoy. We put work in upfront to help our kids know how to behave in the social settings that matter to us, and we’ve been able to enjoy these things with them over the years.

With that said, we have found it easier to host dinner parties than to go places, because we can put the kids to bed and then enjoy our time with friends. Working on teaching our kids dinner-party manners has made this possibly and enjoyable.

There are also a lot of things that parents feel they have to do which are really not requirements. We do not listen to any “kids” music, but have introduced our kids over time to music we like. We don’t make separate meals for them but work in the first two years to introduce them to the foods we enjoy as a family. Kids activities can be great, and my kids do some great things, but we say “no thank you” to activities that interfere with our families priorities, which includes regular family dinners together and space in our schedule for down time. As one example, my oldest loves to dance and I do not love the idea of spending regular weekend hours at kids dance competitions; we found her a classical ballet program that meets her need for dance instruction and community, has a few performance opportunities each year, but doesn’t do competition teams. A lot of her dance friends do that program AND compete with another studio, but we do not. She loves it and our family’s need for down time and relaxing activities that we all enjoy on weekends remains intact. I highly recommend the book “simplicity parenting” which focuses on simplifying schedules for kids, but I find it equally important for the adults caring for those kids.

Others mentioned communication with your partner. That’s so key, especially during the first few years when schedules and needs change every two months. During the newborn phase we could easily both feel like we are doing more than our fair share, but when we talk regularly about the workload we realize that we’re just both doing a lot, and can be open about strategies to support each other.

I love having kids and wouldn’t change it for the world. I love this phase and I look forward to the future when I am older and they are adults, because I both love them infinitely and genuinely like them as people. But should *you* have kids? I don’t know. I do know that, while it is real and life changing work, it doesn’t have to be as hard as it sometimes looks.

I never wanted kids. Then, there was a sudden moment, and a sudden thought that made the idea of children not only appealing, but irresistible. That particular realization/motivation could be different for different people, of course, and I don’t think any of them are right or wrong. In my case, it was the realization that rather than be limited by the burden of caring for someone, instead my exploration of the world would expand as I watched another being encounter it for the first time. E and H’s fresh eyes feel to me like an absolute miracle.

I was already dispositioned to appreciate the world, and take a lot of delight in it, but now I get to do it trifold. It feels like the layers of discovery are more beautiful and exciting than they would’ve been alone.

But there are a million legitimate motivations for having kids that are different than mine. And I don’t think that it’s at all unusual to have them for the later pay off. For the grown-up family, you will someday have.

I will say that I don’t think anyone should have them unless they’re dying too. Children are a burden. They’re a time-suck and they change your identity and your worldview and your relationship with your partner. They consume all of the air in the room and a good portion of your bank account. Nothing is ever the same from the moment you find out you’re having one. And for people who want their life to go on being the same, it’s very clear to me that kids are a hard pass.

However, if you decide that you’re dying to, having kids is the most profound joy and deeply satisfying life experience imaginable. If I had never done it, I wouldn’t know what I was missing and so I would be absolutely fine. I wouldn’t know that this amount of love is possible and therefore it would be no problem to live without it. My life was awesome before and it would’ve continued to be awesome. But now that I know what it’s like on the other side, I find it so much better than awesome that I am tearing up as I write this. The idea of missing out on this experience, of not knowing who they are, and not being who I have become as a mother and a human feels to me like a desperate and unbearable loss.

I’ve heard that statistically children have a negative impact on marriages. And I believe it. I think they amplify whatever relationship you already have. So I can totally see how everything that was wrong with a relationship before is worse now. You have less time, energy, money, freedom and patience.

However, for a portion of marriages that are strong and loving and healthy, I think the children amplify that greatly. I admire my husband more deeply than I ever did before. I have more gratitude for him. I love him and share memories with him that no one else in the world will ever know. The bond of being coparents together has been a gift to our relationship. Getting through slog of the baby years, I think, has strengthened our relationship in the same way that people who go through some sort of near-death experience together would. It is so so hard and we did it together. We won a gold medal.

So yeah, don’t have kids. There’s a lot about it that sucks and you’ll never miss the things about it that are beautiful and profound and life-changing. Or maybe do and I swear you will never regret it.

It’s difficult to so willingly change your life completely. Which kids do (99% in great ways). You asking this question though makes me think you should have a baby. The few people I know who don’t have kids have been adamant about not wanting kids – it was never a question.

Remember, the years go by very fast. Babies and toddlers are a lot of work, but also add so much more meaning and joy to your lives. One thing I always think about for people who choose not to have kids is that their later years will be quite lonely. I’m sure you’ll have friends, but friends will be busy with their children and grand children to a good degree. Having children will give you a full life. Also when you’re much older, children take care of you. Old people are wise- ask any elderly person about their favorite memories or what they treasure most in life. I’d be shocked if their answer wasn’t their children. And if they didn’t have children, was it their work? That’s a sad alternative.

Have you written out pros and cons of each choice? I imagine the cons being something like “limited freedom”, “kids are expensive” etc. My husband and I traveled extensively for 5 years before we had kids and I was nervous about babies limiting our freedom to travel as much. Now, I imagine not having my two children and I believe that all of the freedoms we had before kids would grow quite dull if we continued our same self absorbed life style for 40+ years and chose not to have children.

I also firmly believe that you regret the children you DONT have much more than the ones you do.

– a mom of two (3 yr old and 6 month old)

I have never commented on a question before, but I relate to your question so much that I thought I would share my experience.

I’m currently 33 with a 13 month old daughter. Until I was probably 30ish I was certain I never wanted kids. Over the next year or so, that shifted to “I’m not saying never, but definitely not right now.” Then eventually I did finally come to the decision that I wanted to have a baby. But I really wrestled with the same question you have about whether I would truly be happy as a mom because it’s a decision you can’t really undo.

For me personally (and this is ONLY applicable to me and my life , so not saying this would be anyone else’s experience), I thought about what the rest of my life would be like if we never had a baby and it sort of sounded like groundhog day to me. I loved my pre-baby dog-mom life, but I realized that I wanted it to evolve more than it would if I didn’t have a baby.

In terms of how it’s actually played out since having my daughter, I can say 100% that it was the right decision for me. That’s not to say there haven’t been really hard times – I’ve had PPD, still haven’t fully recovered physically from pregnancy, I struggle to feel like I’m balancing my work/mom/personal lives sometimes, sleep regressions kick my ass, etc. – but the joy I experience from watching this tiny human that I created grow, learn, develop, and give me snuggles is what I was hoping for when I decided I wanted a baby. It’s also helped me grow and evolve as a person more than I could have ever imagined.

When you have kids, I think there will undoubtedly be hard times to get through, you’ll struggle some (or a lot) of days, you might even feel like you regret having kids sometimes, so I think that concern is reasonable. But I think the other aspect of your perspective is also true – it really can unlock this entire universe of love and growth that you didn’t know existed before becoming a parent.

I hope this helps even if it’s just a tiny bit. Trust your heart and you’ll make the right decision for you.

For as long as I can remember I told people I never wanted kids. I had nieces and nephews and loved playing with them but never felt that pull for myself. Even on my first date with my now husband I said I didn’t want kids. Fast forward a few years, we were happy, traveling, enjoying all the freedom but decided that maybe we’d just try to get pregnant and see what happens. We both were open to the idea but still didn’t feel like it was a hole in our lives. I was 34 and my husband was almost 39 when we decided to give it a shot. Thankfully we got pregnant super easily and enjoyed one last pre-baby big trip to Europe before taking the pregnancy test. Pregnancy and delivery were easy but I have found motherhood very difficult. My husband has found fatherhood to be beyond rewarding and loves it, where I’ve struggled. I love my son, now 4, and don’t regret it at all, but there are of course days I miss my freedom. I find it especially hard since my husband loves it so much he never wants to be away from our son, where I appreciate time away.

My husband still has friends who are unmarried or married without kids and it has definitely changed his relationship with them as when they hang out they have nothing new going on in their lives. Every conversation seems to be the same as it has been over the last 10 years and they don’t understand his new life. Of course not every married couple without kids is like that, just his experience.

It’s worth mentioning, if you have 1 then the automatic question is when are you having a second due to all of the stereotypes of only kids. We are only having 1 but still get lots of judgement and stress over not giving our son siblings.

Only you and your husband can decide what is best for you.

I am at “do I want another?” and while I don’t really want another “baby,” I do want another member of our family. I’ll be the first to admit, babies and toddlers can be kinda awful, but it is just a phase! Being a parent is a lifetime commitment that gets sillier and more complex and interesting with each phase. If you do decide to have a kid, be ready to roll with it – and find that joy even in the brutal littles years.

As a joke with my husband, we often say short term suffering for long term reward. We are 36f and 38m and didn’t really feel like we HAD to have a child, but we would think about our future in 10-20 years. I was worried about that version of myself. Would she morn or regret not even trying? So we tried and have an adorable and busy 1 year old. And it’s hard but so sweet and life changing. I think parenting is wonderful, but if you decide not to become parents, you will be able to find joy in that space too.

When you say that having kids is “privately experienced as a massive toll on life,” I think of the idea that anything worth doing in life has hard , even extremely hard, moments. In fact, it is often the things we work hardest for that are most rewarding. This is exponentially true with children, where our investment in kids (which inevitably comes through self sacrifice that is disproportionately borne by women) has the greatest payoff of all. Your career will have an end. Hobbies have limits. Kids make you immortal – and not just in some “I want to live forever” Nordic folktale way, but in a real value based way.

My husband and I had our first kid when I was 24, our next when I was 26, and are now due with our third when I am 28. We could have kept our posh apartment in Boston and DINK lifestyle for a decade, going on fancy trips and living up the city life. Instead we started our family and invested in both completing Master’s degrees, which we both graduate from this spring. That all reflects our value system. We play the long game and buckle down on the day by day instead of living in between vacations. Highly scheduled, functional, value driven family formation – which is incredibly satisfying, regardless of the massive toll and countless moments of self sacrifice it requires. Parenting is living your life for others with lots of opportunities for acts of service for your partner and your children, and a life lived in service is worth living.

One data point wrt to your friends with children who seem depressed and isolated. They’re def sleep deprived. And complaining is a sport (I practice it a lot 🙂 ). Regarding the isolation…
If their friend group is broadly childless, it’s very hard to keep those connections. People don’t get that your life is different. The party you’re planning at 7pm requires they get a babysitter, the party you plan at 9 is after their bedtime. The lunch is clashing with nap,and saying “kids are welcome” won’t fix it. Keeping in touch with a new parent requires understanding their imposed constraints.
Consider – offer to babysit their kids for a bit, give them a few hours off. We’ve done that with our friends when we were the childless ones. Having a village (a group of parents who get it and will help each other however they can) makes a world of difference.
I meet a lot of parents who are reluctant to ask for help from the people around them. I don’t know why that is :/
(Disclosure: once you have toddlers that is much more sensible)

This is a super personal decision and one I struggled with and had all the same questions! We decided to have a kid and it was so great we decided to have another. We now have a 3 yr old and 4 month old. I can honestly say I can’t believe I almost missed out on this. One positive it def made Covid isolation more interesting! But I love my kids more than I EVER could have imagined. Even when my 3 yr old is frustrating as heck. She makes experiencing life and all the little things so much more interesting. Now we haven’t gotten to middle school so jury is still out on that stage. When I think back on my pre kid life and now I think “what would I be doing?” Going out to dinner more, going to concerts, maybe more epic vacations. I can do that again one day when my kids are older and we can experience it together. One thing that weighed heavily in my decision though is the concern that my child might have a disability (we have cousins with severe autism). That would definitely change my perspective I think. I ended up taking a chance but I wouldn’t make that decision for anyone else.

My husband always said, “if you’re not scared to have kids, you’re not thinking about it enough” meaning that you’re not fully aware of how much of an impact this will have on your life as you currently know it. While I agree with what others have said about unrealistic American parenting standards, the reality is when you have a young child, you can’t be centered on yourself because a helpless being needs you.
If you and your partner can accept that for a number of years you will be needed and someone else’s needs come first in your life and you spend time accepting this reality, I think parenting is the most fun and joyous experience. I find the thing that eats away at unhappy parents is a feeling of resentment towards the freedom they no longer have…and it’s true that you have less freedom but I believe it’s about your mindset. Instead of big weekend trips, we now go to a fun new coffee shop every Sunday morning and that feels like an adventure and that’s okay for now. Expectations matter tremendously.

I would be curious how the answer changes with age. I decided to live my life, tick my boxes on achievements before trying for a baby at 38, then delivering at 39. Had I had a baby in my 20s, probably even early 30s, I wouldn’t enjoy motherhood as much as I do now. I was ready. Knowing me I likely would have missed my freedom, and potentially lived vicariously through my child supporting wise. Money also is not an issue like it would have been at younger ages. In summary for me, I would definitely give you a different satisfaction rating at different ages.

To say I went through this debate with myself is putting it mildly. I struggled for years with the decision as I’m someone who LOVES to travel the world and have booked flights to various international destinations bc I got a good deal and had the flexibility to go the following week. Once I had been to all 7 continents, I felt like I could slow down a bit and decided to have one kid and see how it went (I was 34 at first conception but miscarried, got pregnant with my first at 35). I quickly realized that I have no freedom or spontaneity in my life, but I was 100% okay with it. A fact that even surprised me! I am now nearly done with 40 with a 3.5 yo and 13 month old and while my life is absolute chaos, completely unpredictable and yes, I have more anxiety, I’m ultimately really happy I decided to have kids. Do I miss being able to travel overseas? Absolutely! But I know it’s not gone forever and there is so much joy in my life now in very different ways. Good luck!!

My husband and I are mid/late 30s with a 2 year old and a very active pre child life, and are so, so, so happy we chose to have a child. But it’s so personal.
I think mulling over this decision is very important for you and your marriage and is a sign you two would be very thoughtful parents if you choose that route. I will just say, just as in everything, if you choose to have a baby, you can choose to chart your own path. Our toddler is the absolute light of our lives but we are also very attached to the things that make us happy: seeing friends and family, traveling, etc. We both work full-time jobs and send our child to daycare every weekday. We chose to live in a city near our friends so we wouldn’t lose sight of them (note: most of our friends who live close by all don’t have kids but are very supportive, though we recognize we also need to build our community as our kid grows). Almost every week, my husband and I switch off and one of us goes out to see friends or take a workout class after putting the baby down while the other hangs back. Date nights are hard but we prioritize them in our budget and try to hire a babysitter at least once a month to go out. We also still travel. We’ve been to two continents already with our baby with no plans to stop.
I guess what I am trying to say is you don’t necessarily have to give up the things you love if you have a kid. In fact, you shouldn’t! A kid should fit into your life, with some adjustments. Yes, you will have to give up sleeping in for the next 10 years. You and your husband will have to give up being able to go out freely after work hours or on weekends whenever you want without worrying about childcare (unless you can afford a live in nanny or have family nearby, which we cannot and do not). You also have to commit financially to a very, very different budget that will impact many things you care about. For us, since we wanted to stay in a city near friends and arts and culture, etc., we are spending more on rent and daycare costs than we would if we moved to a smaller town. But it’s worth it since it makes us all happier. We spend way less on things for ourselves than before, but it’s given both of us an opportunity to take stock of what we have in a new light.
None of this is easy, and I know it’ll get harder before it gets easier since we will one day go for a second kid. But there are examples of people who travel and see friends etc. with their kid, and you should know that!
Finally, I recommend “Hunt, Gather, Parent.” It really helped me wrap my head around a parenting mindset that aligns with my values.
Good luck whichever way you go!

My pregnancy was a surprise and I never felt strongly about having kids, I mostly assumed I wouldn’t. I thought being pregnant and delivering a baby were among the top worst things that could happen to a person pain wise so I had extremely low expectations and was pleasantly surprised at how fine I was. However, I did not have expectations for the first year and it was so much harder than pregnancy. And then I was surprised at how wonderful 12 months onward has been! All this to say is it’s a rollercoaster. I’m obsessed with my son who’s 2.5 now, so much that I want another one, and I hope now that I know what 0-12 months is like, I’ll be more prepared that it’s tough, but it does end. What also surprised me is how much I genuinely enjoy doing stuff with him. It’s not a sacrifice to go to the zoo rather than brunching with friends on the weekend or sleeping in. Even some of my friendships are stronger now that they are parents too and my relationship with my parents is stronger. Lastly, I am in a privaledged situation to be financially capable of hiring help / daycare and I am also nearby to family who help a lot. I would have a MUCH different perspective if I couldn’t also travel (albeit much less than when childless) and also focus on my career and also spend time with my husband and so on! You don’t have to be rich, but childcare is very expensive at the beginning and parenting is much easier with help.

I’m not sure if this is an original take because I couldn’t get through all of the comments but I felt compelled to share. I don’t know anyone with kids that regrets having kids. I know people with kids who regret their circumstances or partner as a result of the stresses of parenthood highlighting red flags or fractures that were likely already there. If there is even a small part of you that does want kids I think that is the deciding factor. I was scared for the impact on my marriage and my self and disrupting my nice quiet life. In the the full scope of life, Twenty years of caretaking and tiredness and vibrancy and fun and teaching and learning feels like a blip. When she is grown, I expect to still have multiple decades to travel and enjoy the peace but for now I am embracing the hard. Usually the most fulfilling things are.

Typically I would comment on a post with some sort of scientific or research baked retort, but since you mentioned the meaning of life, I thought I would get existential with it. If you want to experience a human rite of passage that is the driving force of your dna & humankind itself, then have a child. If you want to have your heart explode with emotion only unlocked when truly loving your child. Love being the act of helping someone transform into their fully actualized self (per bell hooks). Emotions being all of them: joy, grief, anger, angst, etc. Then you should have a child. But, there will be sacrifices & the love will transform you & it’s jarring & yes existential. If you can’t handle that, that’s valid & okay. If you can’t devote yourself to the care of the worlds most defenseless blob(s) indefinitely & while facing immense oppression & a total dearth of support, that’s valid too. But, having children in whatever capacity you choose, is achingly wonderful.

Had a very similar thought before having our daughter when I was 34! I was even asking existential questions well into my third trimester, like why are we really have kids? Is it because everyone we know is doing this? The first year was rough with postpartum depression, but, 3 years on, I cannot imagine not having our daughter. We loved to travel, try new restaurants, etc. before her, and now we get to share all that we love doing with her, and it’s the best! There are tantrums, tiring days, difficult moments, of course, but the positives outweigh the challenges by far. It’s also been an incredible self-growth journey and given me a chance to learn something new, in terms of skills (that have actually helped with work) and about myself. When I think about what I would be doing instead if we didn’t have a kid, everything pales in comparison. Sure, we can buy more things or travel more, but seeing our child experience a new place/food/activity and her reactions are priceless. It’s a big decision and a big change, and every family is different. I would recommend having a honest conversation with your partner about how you envision your life in 30 years. Does this include kids and grandkids? If so, how do you envision your parenting style, your relationship with your kids? What would you keep about your relationships with your parents and what would you change? It’s important to align with your partner on these before making the decision either way.

Wow, this is a great question. Having a child is life altering, fulfilling, stressful, and wonderful all at the same time. I have a just turned 3 year old and another on the way and what I will say is this— we love being parents because we wanted to have kids and have been trying for a long time. Has it been stressful and taxing, yes. But, having wanted to have kids it doesn’t feel as bad. Does it take a toll on your relationship— absolutely because your differences get a little highlighted with parenting styles. Would I change our decision, absolutely not. Having kids is super eye opening (in all of the ways) and has really made us reflect on how we were parented, how we want to be better for our kids, etc. If having kids weren’t so expensive we’d have more.

The other thing I’d say is having support around you and available is helpful (like grandparents or siblings, etc), making decent money (hate to say it but this would all be much harder if we were didn’t have good jobs), and again WANTING to have kids is huge. Don’t have kids because you feel pressured… being ain’t parent isn’t for the weak and the kid didn’t asked to be here so if that sounds like too much, better to hold off and be able to do whatever you want when you want (cuz that goes out of the window when you have a kid, until they’re out your house).

I had my first child at 45, which tells you how ambivalent *I* was! (It was an accident.) So I’m here to tell you, first, that either way, you’ll be fine. Having spent many years happily being one of the few childless women among my friends, I’m sure I’d still be happy today if I hadn’t had a kid. But having never “gotten over” my ambivalence in the sense that I actively made the decision that I wanted kids, I can also say that ambivalence is no indication of anything–that you shouldn’t have one, that you wouldn’t be great at it, or even that it might be (one of) the best thing(s) that ever happened to you, as it is for me.

Most crucially, being an older parent is just easier. This is partly to do with increased stability: it’s much, MUCH easier to have kid when you’re earning enough to pay for childcare, a housecleaner, whatever it takes to make life more manageable. But it’s even more to do with being more settled in your career, relationship, and just LIFE.

I don’t want to presume about your 35-y-o life, but for me, at that age, I still felt as though my adult life was just getting started. Relatively few of my friends had children, and we were still having a great time. But by 40 . . . almost all of my friends had children or were pregnant. Things can change very fast, and although I did not experience peer pressure or FOMO or anything (their kids were great, but seeing them never filled me with a sense of longing), life just is different when you’re 40-ish. I still loved my childless life, but by then I had a busy career and a marriage and a mortgage and a yard, and it’s not like we or our few other childless friends were going out for boozy 1 p.m. brunches or staying out past 11 anyway. For most of us who aren’t rock stars or celebrities, life settles down.

In my case, I went off birth control at 40 and figured it would happen, or not. And it didn’t, which was fine–but although I would not have said that I felt a child-shaped hole, around 43 my career and marriage and hobbies, awesome as they were, didn’t necessarily feel like enough to sustain me for another 30 or 40 years. I started exploring volunteering opportunities, taking lessons, that kind of thing. I’m sure I would have found something that would have been the thing, or at least A thing, but as it happens, I got pregnant.

You may not, or may choose not to! But I think it’s relatively common for people to want to shake things up or do SOMETHING new and challenging and different within the next decade. And a kid is a pretty reliable source of all those things. Good luck to you.

Some practical questions to consider. Are you and your partner fully equal partners in household tasks now? All too often moms become the default parent and that can lead to a lot of conflict. Do you both have jobs that are flexible and family friendly? If only one of you do that one is likely to be doing most of the sick days, kids appointments etc. What is your childcare plan and how much does that cost? How much will childcare impact your income? Do you have family or friends who will help support you as a true village or will you be mostly on your own? Is the thought of your big weekend plans being going to the playground and ordering takeout acceptable to you? All of the answer to these questions can greatly impact how enjoyable parenting will be for you.

Re the point that friends with kids seem unhappy: Most of my friends have two or more kids at this point, with the oldest in elementary school, and I would say that the people who seem to be having the hardest time either (1) have a challenging marriage that was already challenging before kids, (2) had mental health challenges pre-kids, and/or (3) try to parent purely on instinct without doing research (i.e., reading books and articles). This theory only applies to after their kids are sleeping more (so like 6 months old or more) because sleep deprivation is hard on everyone. 😆

So I totally get your whole my friends who have babies seem more depressed. I had my first at 31 and my second at 33. It is hard. I had a great life. There are occasionally times I miss all of the freedom I had before having kids. That being said, I desperately wanted children, and I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. I pay for a little more help so sometimes I get more time to myself, but I adore my children and I love getting to be their mother. That being said, it’s not for everyone. So you’ll know best, but wanted to share my experience. Though I often look run down and less happy, I’m much happier with my life with kids than I was without them.

Just wanted to say thank you for all the thoughtful and interesting comments here! I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom, and never had any question about it, but I also think that the freedom we have now to make having children a choice (rather than a default) is wonderful. Of course there’s still lots of societal pressure, but people can ultimately decide for themselves – and it makes parenting a much more thoughtful and deliberate decision. So bravo to all of you who wrestled with it and made the right decisions for yourselves!

Not an answer to the question if having kids, but here to say wrt new parents seeming depressed or less happy – I find that people talk more about how it’s hard because that often was not talked about before. It’s almost an overcompensation and misery loves company (like you’re sharing this bond with other sleep deprived parents).
But also, it’s often hard to explain how fun it is to hang out with your kid. Or how happy it makes you that they do some silly things. Or how proud you are of tiny accomplishments. And no one wants to be the parent that only talks about their kids. So I can definitely see why the positives of having kids is often obscured by how much the difficult things are talked about

It’s a totally new normal. It’s hard but so rewarding. Watching a child grow into a person is absolutely incredible. My husband and I decided if we would have any fertility trouble we would just accept not being parents and be the fun aunt and uncle. Luckily we did not struggle and have 2 beautiful Children. My baby and toddler are hard but I’m so so happy I had them. Something as simple as my 2.5 year old coming home yelling “mommy” and running to hug me is 10x more amazing than my old life. It’s hard saying good bye to your old life but it’s just as great in its own way. But also make the decision for you both. If you aren’t feeling like you want to then don’t! No shame on not having kids in this day and age.
Also the lack of child friendly benefits in this country make it more stressful and may add to why your friends seem “depressed”. Spending a lot of money on childcare is depressing… going back to working while dealing with 3-4 month sleep regression, not exactly happy times. But just like life it’s a phase and you get through. Every age has happy times and hard times.

I wish you all the luck in coming to a decision. Feeling stuck in indecision can be so hard and I’ve been there. One thing I wanted to offer is to consider that the responses here are likely skewed because of the nature of this community which I’m guessing skews heavily towards people who decided to have kids. I would encourage you to talk to people on the other side of the decision as well to get a more balanced perspective. It’s good to take the fear out of the decision to have kids, but it’s also helpful to de-mystify the not having kids side as well, which I can represent a bit. Keep in mind there are many people out there who wanted kids and could not have them for one reason or another and yet were still able to create meaningful and fulfilling lives. I have to say, as someone who really wanted kids but life just didn’t turn out that way (I’m 39, single, child-free), I resent some of the comments implying that this lifestyle is inherently less meaningful or that I’m lacking in resiliency. Going against the grain of what society thinks you should do requires incredible resiliency! And yet, there’s a lot that has surprised me about this life in a positive way. Of course there is sadness and a sense of loss about the other life I didn’t have but there is loss with any decision; you are always giving something up (ie that other path). And what’s surprised me is how rich this can life can be. I have really leaned into the freedoms that I have which has given me ample time and resources to pursue travel, hobbies, very close friendships, strike out on my own career-wise.. so many things that I know would be more challenging if I had kids. Someone above said that not having kids means that no one depends on you and therefore, its not a meaningful life. I disagree! I’m a therapist; I work with people everyday who are coming to me for help and I know that it would be much more challenging to do my work if I were sleep-deprived and possibly burned out from being needed all the time. I can also show up on a much deeper level with my friends and family and activism work because I’m very invested in building community outside my own house, which I think can be more challenging when one is having to focus so much of their time and energy on their nuclear family. All of this is not to say that I think my life is better than someone who has children; it’s just to point out that so many of our assumptions about what the single and/or childfree life is like are built on societal stigmas about what makes a woman valuable. And I just wanted to provide some counter-balancing information for that narrative. We don’t need to pit ourselves against each other and try to argue for which life is better when this is such a personal decision and there are challenges (and upsides) on both sides of the equation. And re: the commenters saying they purposefully play up the negatives to their friends who don’t have children. I realize this is coming from a caring place if you are talking to a friend who wants kids and does not have them, but I’m not sure this is helpful. To me, this seems based on unhelpful assumptions about whose life is more enviable. Instead, it might be more useful to learn about what is meaningful in their lives to better understand what’s great about their lives.

We struggled to decide as well! If you’re a reader, I highly recommend ”The Baby Decision” book. It really helped me decide, and I feel confident with my decision (to have a kid).

Don’t have a baby! Hear me out.

I always knew I’d have kids, not because I really wanted to, just because I figured “it’s what you do”. I have three boys under 5 (wtffffff). I am happier than I’ve ever been. I think it’s because I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore—no bandwidth for small stuff (like “how clean is my house”)! So I just focus on the big stuff (am I teaching my four-year-old to be kind?). Privilege is the only way it all works—I have a flexible job and my partner and I have enough money.

Your post doesn’t reference any reasons TO have a baby—only reasons why NOT to. I think I was in a similar place to you before having kids in that the hard stuff was all very easy to imagine (the isolation, the hard work) but I could not imagine what the good stuff would actually be/feel like (the deep joy, the fascination of watching kids move about in the world). So I feel like I lucked out because it turned out that the good stuff makes me so contented.

So: I’m taking a big swing here by saying “don’t have kids”. I think it’s because your situation sounds a lot like where I was before kids, with a major exception: I don’t think I would have said “we love our life” before kids. I’m not saying kids were the only way for me to love life; I’m saying that if you love your life and it’s hard to imagine the good reasons to have kids, it’s ok to not have kids.

It’s one of the hardest decisions!!!! I hope sharing my beliefs hasn’t made it harder. Whatever you choose, it’ll be ok!

If you enjoy kid activities, you should have a kid, but just one. Also, have a pile of money for childcare. I’m biased though, I like kid activities.

We were ambivalent about having kids for a LONG time (also into our mid 30s). I eventually realized I would feel better if I tried and if it didn’t work then oh well and I would go on happily with our pug. It took a year but we did get pregnant and my daughter is now 7 months old and I love her more than I thought possible (but did not feel that way until after 3 months old). I do feel more complete with her.
A few things to note: we had a senior special needs dog so already were used to adapting our lives and making compromises.
My husband is also very supportive and an equal parent and I suspect I would have been much unhappier and stressed if this wasn’t the case.

At least for me thinking “would I regret not trying?” helped me decide.

You should ask yourself what you’d like your life to look like when you’re 60, 70, 80. Everyone gets caught up in the baby small kid phase. It IS depressing, stressful, tiring (so tired) but also the greatest amount of joy and happiness you will ever feel. You’ll regret it and then you won’t. You’ll want them to live at daycare and then you’ll be ready to pick them up 3 hours later. The small kid phase passes and you’ll be glad that you suffered through to get to where you’re going. Do it.

It really depends what is most important to you! If the most important thing in your life is lounging around on the weekends…having kids is probably not for you lol. Personally, I felt like I had travelled a ton, partied, relaxed, done what I wanted for a long time and I was ready to focus instead on raising a child for a while. It is the best decision I have ever made and I love this baby more than life itself!! He brings so much joy to me and my husband and all the fun activities that you can do with kids is what we look forward to as he grows. And then having that family in the future with adult children at the dining table at holidays and maybe even grandkids is what I saw for my life. I was 33 when I had my baby so again I felt I had experienced a good amount of the flip side of life. No one can prepare you for what it is like to have a child. It is very difficult at times and I am tired but it is the greatest joy and love you can know. I honestly feel bad now for people who missed out on this experience. If there is even a chance you might want kids I would go for it because there is a somewhat small window you can do so.

my husband and i had a wonderful life full of international travel, great food, and insane nature adventures before we had kids. we both knew we wanted kids so didn’t think twice about giving this up, but the main thing that has reinforced that our decision is the right one for us is that our kids will do something weird and hilarious and we often look at eachother and say “thank god it’s not just us forever ! that would have been so boring !”
(we haven’t climbed an active volcano since we had kids but our family is spread out all over the world and we still travel a lot, if it’s important to u u will still make it happen, kids or no kids)

yes i have two under 5 and it’s the hardest, most thankless, grueling experience i’ve ever had to attempt. and my husband and i have been in couples therapy for a while to navigate some very difficult emotional situations. but at the same time it’s the most rewarding and has opened me up in ways i couldn’t even have conceived of pre kids. kids are constantly growing and changing, like literally becoming entirely new humans every six months – it’s like being on a constant adventure in your own little gang where ever u go. (even the suburbs i grew up in and vowed to never appreciate seem to be revived looking at them through my kids eyes – squirrels! sprinklers! dirts! what’s not to love.)

i’m a strong advocate that super human mom strength is so real. and it will be hard but you will be able to figure out when u have to. the holding onto my old self also didn’t work for me, it was easier for me to just give in entirely and be transformed – it really becomes an opportunity to let go of everything from your old life that wasn’t serving u and move forward with just the important things. good luck!

I was well traveled with pets that I loved and on a good career path when I had my first kid. For the first year I was sure they’d be an only child because it felt so hard (granted, peak Covid). I had a health scare and my first thought was a surprising “What if I can’t have another?” I don’t wish health scares on you but it may be worth asking yourself what your desire would be if you found out tomorrow you no longer had options. My worst day with my kids eclipses my best day ever of travel or work, without hesitation (though I do feel guilt for having less time for my still-loved pets)

I said to my husband, “what if we regret it?”. He responded, “oh we will!”. For a moment I was shocked at the response but then it actually helped me. Instead of fretting over whether we would regret it, I accepted that there would be moments or days when I would regret it and that’s normal and ok! If you do decide to have a kid, I though highly recommend discussing parenting styles before baby arrives. Have a plan for how to handle sleep in the newborn days. Think ahead about childcare, it’s incredibly expensive!

This was me. At 35, we decided that if it was “easy” for us we would go for it, and got pregnant on the first try. I am genuinely happy we ending up having a child, but I can say we would have had an *equally* fulfilling life had we made the decision not to. Our child is additive to our lives, but I do not feel like I have never experienced love before this. I also did not feel the immense shift in identity that many describe.

All this to say, there are no wrong decisions here. I wish someone had told me this when I was pregnant and thought my life was over. The people who complain about parenting are the people you’ll hear the loudest. And as previous posters have said, if you’re used to juggling challenges, parenting could very well feel like a breeze.

It is worth mentioning that I have a relatively “easy” kid, and every child is a bit of a gamble. Having one child feels like the best fit for us to keep our lives and identity in tact without feeling overtaken by children. I feel that the only child path is a bit of a cheat code no one really talks about.

Can relate so much to your quandary! As someone who is typing this with a sleeping 3-month-old in the other room, I’ll add something to the conversation that others haven’t pointed out yet: check the fertility for both partners if you even have the *faintest* idea that having a kid is something you might want in the future.

By the time I read the book recommended here and had agonizing conversations with my partner (and my dog died, leaving me with love that had no place to go) we were told that conceiving wouldn’t happen spontaneously for us due to various factors. We tried IVF. It failed.

I wish someone had told me to check fertility sooner because once I had finally decided to have a kid, I was told I couldn’t. It’s a gnarly kind of grief that seeps into your bones.

Now, our story had an unexpected ending! But in the process of trying for a child and failing I realized just how much I desired the adventure of having a kid. And I discovered my own resilience. Against all odds, here she is. Spontaneously. I had made peace with being childfree, but this path? For me, the emotional connection, wonder and awe is so much more exciting.

After 40 years of vehemently knowing I never wanted children, I honestly wish I had had her sooner. My life has taken on a new meaning I never could have foreseen. In the new Steve! Documentary on Apple TV, there’s a quote that goes, “you go from being a ship out on the seas of the world to suddenly being a harbor for someone else.” I love that analogy. And currently, I love being that harbor. Best of luck making the choice.

I married at 35 and had my first kid at 37. I love my daughter and love being a parent, even though it is exhausting at times! One thing to consider — my husband and I have noticed that a huge number of our friends had kids in the latter half of their 30s or even as we enter our early 40s. So I think we would have felt a little left out if we had not had kids, as our social circle’s collective social lives are so different now than even five years ago. Certainly not a reason in itself to have kids, but it has actually been really fun to go to our friends’ kid-friendly holiday celebrations, kids’ birthday parties, etc. with our daughter!

When I was 30, I remember talking to a couple in their early 40s with no kids. They said all of their friends with kids had dropped off the face of the earth and now their friends were either ten years younger or ten years older, having reemerged from the most intensive parenting years.

I think our culture overindexes on difficulty and pain. I think basically at any time you can find tons of articles floating around about how difficult having kids is, how our culture doesn’t support parents enough, how the US doesn’t support women enough, about the unfair division of labor between parents, etc, etc.

These things are undoubtedly true but also much more likely to garner clicks than the other truth–that children are a new experience in a life that is mostly inwardly focused, that while they can be difficult little people, they can also bring you transcendent joy, that the relationship that you will have with them is unlike anything you can experience with anyone else in your life.

I was in your shoes at 30, and 35, and 37. My husband and I read the Baby Decision book and it didn’t help us much, we still kept going in circles around the decision for literally years. Finally I decided that if I could never experience the relationship I saw my friends have with their children, it would be a huge loss for me. We dealt with infertility and IVF but now we have a 19 month old who is the absolute light of our lives. Our marriage is definitely rockier than it was before, but we’ll get through it.

My biggest regret in life, by FAR, is not starting sooner. Now, even if we wanted to have three, it’s just not in the cards.

As my husband and I love to say, having kids is the grueling Q2 investment in your Q3 and Q4 of life. Our first was a surprise that neither of us had previously envisioned, at least in that chapter of life… It was a massive adjustment and I echo what many people have said about relearning your identity after kids. Now we are pregnant with our second and wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s incredibly hard some days, at times isolating (you’ll find your parent people though, trust!), seriously expensive (in America), but oh so f*ing worth it. This morning my 2 year old grabbed my face & said “I like you, I love you, & you’re my best friend forever”…those are the moments that your heart explodes & you can’t remember what love was before knowing this kind of love 🥲

100% yes. I was the same-felt fulfilled by my career, traveled extensively, happy w husband. When people asked I shrugged and said “meh.” Never cared for others’ kids, then my first niece came along and I thought well this wouldn’t be bad. As a physician in training I worked long hours, routinely 80-100hrs/wk, didn’t think there was room. Then I moved for more training and saw the relationship with my new boss and her teen kids and it was beautiful. So we had our first at 36, and my world expanded unimaginably. It is beyond cliché but it is impossible to describe how big your heart grows and how much you change. I am so in love. Being a mother is the single best decision of my entire life and can’t believe I thought anything else, much less a job, could ever come close. Now hoping for a second at 38 and struggling with infertility and semi hating my life choices and delusionally thinking my career was the be all end all. Don’t wait. 35 could already be hard. Unless you’re 100% no kids, I’ve never met anyone who regretted the decision. But I know many, many who waited too long and have significant regret.

I never comment, but this question is something I really struggled with for a while in life and resonate with. In the end, I think I genuinely could have been happy in either life I chose. This article below is the most helpful thing I ever found and read while trying to make this decision, so I want to share it here too. It really helped me consider the choice I was making and imagine which future I wanted for myself. Maybe it will help someone here too: https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

Spoiler alert: I now have an 11-month-old. It is certainly difficult to be a parent,
moreso than I expected. But I would never change my decision or give her up— she is such an incredible joy to me— but I also know I could have been happy without her too. It is such a personal and profoundly difficult decision you are making, but know that both options can be beautiful and good, just different.

I was very ambivalent about having children and ultimately decided to have a child when I was 35yo, because it was something my partner deeply wanted. There has been a unique joy in seeing my husband “become his full self” as a father, even if I cannot relate to that parenthood self-actualization in the same way.

While you’ll hear some version of “there will be some grief/loss of choosing one path or another,” here are some things I wish people had said to me while I was deciding becoming a parent:

1. You will live a meaningful, valuable, and loved life no matter what decision you choose. We need to say that more to women in our society!!

2. Being a parent doesn’t have to be the “ultimate experience in love.” I love my child, but I have also found deep love with my family, friends, and pets (like you!)

3. Pregnancy and childbirth can be very challenging on your body. Although I mostly had an easy pregnancy, I was diagnosed with cholestasis in my third trimester and then developed an autoimmune disease postpartum (which took 14 very painful months to be diagnosed). While experiencing severe physical discomfort related to both (way worse than unmedicated labor and delivery!), I will tell you I regretted my decision to become a parent. Although I am happy and healthy now, I think it’s good to here that parents do regret their decisions and can also live at peace/happily with their decisions.

Either path you choose will include joy/love/wonderful moments and both will include pain/sorrow/challenges. I wish you the best in your decision making and know either option is right <3

It’s a very personal decision, so I acknowledge that. I have all of the thoughts that people always mention, about how much you love your kids and it’s true that I’ve never regretted having them even though some things are harder now. But one thing I’ve thought a lot about is how it has changed me. I understand so much more now about what my parents went through and what other parents experience and it’s given me so much understanding and empathy. I am a better human being because of trying to be a good parent, and I wouldn’t trade that for the anything. Having nieces and nephews, being a nanny or teacher, etc are all experiences with kids but it didnt teach me what being a parent has. There’s nothing else like it.

Becoming a parent adds another loved one to your life, but being a parent isn’t easy. These new challenges may make you a better person, or they may sometimes be overwhelming. Probably both.

This was my simple mantra: “I’ll regret it if I do, I’ll regret it if I don’t.” I had to decide which form of regret I preferred to live with. Looking at it this way surprisingly felt freeing.

I never wanted to have kids, and my husband always took being a father for granted. Before we married (on 04/12/2014), he told me that not having kids would be his only reason for divorce; this is how relevant it was for him. Then we came to the US for Graduate school (from Chile), moved to Berkeley, and I started a PhD. When we talked about starting a family and making it work with his full-time job and my Ph.D. studies without any family around, he told me he would be in charge and has been true to his words. He takes about 60% of the household labor, and when things are hard, his mantra is, “I signed up for this.” Our kids are 6 and 3 now, and last week, I wrote the acknowledgment section of my dissertation (yay!) I cried when I thought about what I would miss by not having kids. They have transformational powers, and that can be positive and negative. My husband and I have purposely protected the spaces in our lives that we didn’t want to change. Usually, I protect my husband, and I arrange things so he can do what he likes and protect my unchanged spaces. We are happier than before having kids and have intentionally worked out problems when they show up. We have also raised our kids, so we not only love them, but we also like them. I wish I could have you in our house for a month so you could see that what I am writing is true. It’s heartbreaking to read that most of your friends seem less happy than before having kids, but that aligns with the general picture of parenting. Reading and knowing the systemic issues that influence unhappy trends can give you tools to form a system of protection in your house, just like we did with the labor distribution in our home. Good luck!

Kids take a lot from you (sleep and freedom are the obvious first victims). Yet they give you so much more! Love, joy, meaning, life!
I gave birth to my first at 35, second at 39. We only regret not having them sooner – like we wasted away years we could’ve spend with them and a chance for a third one.

Freeze your eggs now. Honestly, it’s cheaper to pay to do this and not feel pressured to have a baby if you’re not 100% on board. Best decision of my life was the freeze my eggs. Eventually, I DID end up 100% wanting a kid with my husband who also 100% wanted to and I can promise you we are having a great time enjoying this adventure. Our kid is 14 months and it’s been the best I think because we really thought things through and share responsibilities. Good luck!

I was very much unsure about whether I wanted a child, but my husband wanted one and I decided that being a parent with him was part of our journey together. I was well into 38 when our son was born; he’s now 29 months old and I absolutely adore him. Like so many commenters here, I have experienced that contradictory happiness and stress alongside each other at every step. There are far more doctor’s visits (for my son, then for me when I catch his bugs), more exhaustion, less opportunity to go out late with our childless friends, etc. But there’s also wonder and laughter and pure joy.
What I want to add, since I’ve not seen it mentioned as much here, is that Americans always talk about “having kids” in the plural. So when we think about the decision to have kids, it can feel even more overwhelming. It helped me to think about it as having “a kid.” My husband and I both are grateful for their siblings, and we both adore our son, but I also feel like one child is plenty for me/us. I’m now 41, so there is a lot more risk in having a second child, I’m not sure my body could handle another pregnancy without causing me chronic problems, and I feel like we can maintain a better balance and provide more for our son’s future by just having one child. My husband fully supports my desire to not have a second child (even though we both wonder about life without a sibling). But all of this is to say, if you decide to try to get pregnant (either choice is totally legitimate!), it can help to think about it as not a commitment to have even more children (though obviously be prepared for what you’d do if you became pregnant with multiples). I’m content with my amazing one child, and I don’t feel like I need to have more children to “do things properly.”

Same position here! I have one kid ( at 37). To keep it short and to the point.. There in just no way to know how you’ll feel. I was on the fence and decided to try as I was 36 and ready for the next step with my husband. I felt like I would more likely regret not having them than having them. After fertiltu struggles, we have one and I was surprised at how much I took to being a mom. I also know people that wanted it 100% and struggle so you use can’t know. My advice with the isolation part is to create community with others who have kids. The adults can hang out while kids play. Also, we have tried to make our lives as similar as possible. We go out to dinner with her, travel etc. it’s not easy. It’s the hardest and best thing.

Like the other commenters said, ultimately this is a very personal choice and I believe your intuition will lead you to the best decision for you. As with everything I’m learning about parenting so far, what works or doesn’t work for others is often not a reflection of what works for you. I’m also reminded of one of Emily’s posts about how to make a decision that could be worth a look.

I wasn’t sure whether I wanted kids for my entire life – until I was. Something changed in me and I became very sure (many life circumstances changed and I worked hard on my personal growth to lead to this moment). Now that I have a 9mo, I am really glad that I had that conviction before having the baby. My partner and I had a lot of discussion and preparation over the course of about 6 months after I decided I wanted to have a baby. I’m glad for that too.

Ultimately for us, this has, so far, been really hard, and there was a time where I thought our relationship wouldn’t make it. I love my baby more than anything else in the entire universe, and I’m also glad that I went into this KNOWING this is what I wanted. In those hard moments, I’m glad I don’t look back and think, I should have listened to my gut. Instead, I think: this is a hard moment, it’s going to pass, and I love her and have so much to look forward to.

I made an account just to reply to you. I was you, with the same questions, concern, situation. Then finally a year or two later I decided to go for it and it took a bit longer than I thought. Now I’m on my second and final pregnancy and I wish I could have had 3-4 kids. It is a huge source of grief for me, wishing I had done this sooner. I wouldn’t look as much at your social environment, it’s very common now for people not to have any children in their mid 30s and for people with children to go into it with false expectations and seem unhappy. I would think more about yourself, who you are as a person, how you carry yourself. For me being a parent is hard but I’m not here on earth not to do hard things. Having an easy life of leisure, travel, and extra money won’t fulfill me for decades on end. To me the challenge of parenting is way less than the reward. I also like to fast forward down the line to when I’m in my 60s, 70s, 80s and later. Will I be happy I reproduced or regret it? I would much rather have more meaningful loving relationships in life and that’s essentially what having kids is about for me. Once the window passes we never get it back. I also wish I had frozen my eggs so I had more potential options. This is just my 2 cents. I send you a lot of wisdom and discernment on your journey.

Like everyone, I’ll say this is a really personal decision. I’m a mom of 2 and we are planning on a third. I was the first of my friends to become a parent and still have many close friends that are dealing with this question. What I’ve started to say to them when they ask me is this – it’s very easy for me to describe the lows of parenting (sleepless nights, sickness, teething, tantrums) but it’s almost impossible to explain how much love you feel and the pride and joy they bring you. I think you’ll have a lovely life no matter what you choose. Sending love!

Important to note virtually everyone responding here is a parent or hoping to be. Lots of helpful perspectives but surely most decided TO have kids and missing the insights from those who chose not to. We chose to have children and we love our daughter but we would absolutely have been happy in our lives before her.

You didn’t really say whether you actually want a baby and you’re just debating if you’ll regret it, or if you’re wondering if you should just because… that’s a big difference.

That’s the position I was in. I wanted one but was terrified about the negative impact to my life and marriage. Having a baby fundamentally changes you and so while you will at times miss parts of your old life, you may also find that those things don’t serve you or that you don’t need them as much/frequently. Having a baby will negatively impact your marriage but only as much as you let it. Some days I do regret having a kid but on the whole, I absolutely do not. Having a child is really fulfilling and can make it easier to let go of people and patterns that don’t fit your life any longer.

When I was debating having a second child, a friend helped by framing the decision this way: if it’s a “maybe” then it’s a “yes”. Try asking yourself in those terms.

So many great comments here. For what it’s worth, I also felt very uncertain about having kids. When you encounter other people who knew they wanted to be parents their whole lives, it can make you wonder if not having that certainty means you shouldn’t do it. I also wasn’t obsessed with other people’s kids (but never disliked children). We now have two kids and I love being a parent. Parenting isn’t “easy”, but it feels as though they opened up another dimension. Being a parent has changed my relationship to all other humans. I understand my own parents differently now, and I see the similarities between what kids need and what adults need. As others have stated, it’s much easier to express the hard parts in language, which you can already imagine (being tired, having less time for yourself, etc.) than it is to express the good parts, because it is such an immense line to cross in life. I didn’t realize how much it would change me (for the better!). No one else can tell you if it’s right for you. Whatever you choose, you can make that path the “right” choice through your own perspective and actions. But let me ask you this: is it perhaps a meaningful indicator that you chose to ask this question to a community of people who did choose to have kids? Sometimes I figure out what I really want when I realize that I am looking to be convinced.

Just because something is hard, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
Moving to a new country is hard, running a marathon is hard, changing careers is hard, yet people do it.
Yes, having a kid is hard, and yes, it changes your life. You adjust. If you don’t have them for whatever reason – you don’t want or you end up not being able to. You also adjust.
Don’t base this decision on whether it’s going to take a toll on your life. It will. Base it on whether you want to do it anyway.
I am definitely more tired and potentially look depressed sometimes but every day I can’t believe my kid exists. I didn’t know I was ever capable of such pure love.
Both decisions have pros and cons. It’s not black and white. I miss my old life sometimes AND cannot imagine life without him. As Emily says: there’s no secret option C. Good luck either way!

hey there!! i was in this EXACT same position in 2019. i was 34, closing in on 35. i was happily married to my college sweetheart and we had two amazing cats. life was good. i had oodles of time to myself and the world hadn’t started burning down yet, lol. ultimately we decided to go for it, figuring i’d have lots of time to let the idea marinate as i was older and i figured it would take longer.
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i was pregnant in 3 weeks.
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6 months into my pregnancy covid hit. our cats got sick and passed away. my career came to a screeching halt when my dance company folded under the pressure from covid. my husband had a mental breakdown during my pregnancy. (his first of two, another would follow about 2 years PP). life did a 180 and it was all completely out of my control. oh and we also moved cross country to a place i didn’t know a single soul.
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the first year or so was incredibly difficult as it always is, but i think i can safely say it was a bit more difficult for me than most. i was basically a single parent, lost in my life, no career to go back to, and on the brink of divorce. in a new state. with no friends.
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to make a very long story short, my husband received the mental health treatment he needed, i grieved the loss of my career (and honestly my identity), i found other new moms, made friends, hired a nanny so i could get some me time back. and in the last year or so i feel alive and like myself again.
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is it hard? unbelievably. is it worth it? absofuckinglutely. there is no way to explain how much richer and deeper life becomes with a child, despite the incredible challenges. i think it sounds like you are afraid of losing yourself with a child. and the thing is, you do lose part of yourself. i tell my tale as a reminder that we change no matter what. life comes along and upends our plans. we will never stay statically happy or content. i know you can absolutely find and feel richness and depth of meaning in life without kids. but man oh man is it a whole different ballgame of love with a child.
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one thing that has helped me a lot has been to remind myself that each stage, for better or worse, doesn’t last. baby not sleeping though the night? it suuuucks but it doesn’t last. toddler having meltdowns constantly? it suuuuucks but it doesn’t last. falling behind on your self care because you’re so immersed in childcare? it suuuuucks but it doesn’t last.
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and my son cuddling up with me and wanting to hold my hand also won’t last forever so i am savoring the sweetness of age 3 and doing something i never in a million years thought i would do —- contemplate #2 at almost 40.
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i hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. life is strange and wonderful. my son has definitely helped me to embrace that!

I am a childfree person who is interested in parenting data and dialogue because I am an early childhood educator, and a big piece of my work is supporting parents. I am 42; my ex-husband and I thought about having kids in our 20s but ultimately realized that we did not have the DESIRE to have children. Not want; not need – DESIRE. I think this is likely an under represented voice here: many people will be subscribed here because they ultimately made the choice to have a child after thinking about that choice.

I think many people have children (historically) because its “what you do” – and more people are asking thoughtful and conscious questions and acknowledging that having children is a choice, and not an obligation. There are some classic “reasons to have children” that are not good reasons: the two that are most common are because your parents want grandchildren, and because you want someone to take care of you when you’re older. We aren’t guaranteed any certainty in our lives, and you don’t know what you’re getting when you have a child, you cannot script it. BUT if you feel a pull to have a child, to have children, that is a good place to be as you start considering the reality of it rather than the romanticized version.

All of the parents I know love their children deeply, and as has been reiterated here, its the act of parenting, of raising children with a partner, that seems like it would be the really challenging thing. I have never had a partner who, in hindsight, would have been a good parenting partner. And because I have never felt the pull to be a mother, I don’t regret the time I spent with those people, or feel like I am missing out. There are children in my life – they don’t need to be mine. I do like my freedom and peace and quiet; I also have additional energy and time that I don’t channel into parenting that I am able to channel into community projects and all of my relationships, rather than having a laser focus on a partner and children.

I hope this helps!

This thread has so much great insight and perspective. I’m already a parent and I’m getting a lot from this discussion. I agree with so much of what others have said.

I would say first, trust your gut. And second, consider if you truly trust your partner.

I went to therapy for a solid year before we had our daughter specifically to work through this decision the first time. I also had a miscarriage before we had her, and that experience solidified that I did want to be a mom.

The first two years have been hard for me physically and mentally (postpartum, in my experience, was a solid 2 year phase). Being a parent is hard at times for sure, but often it’s more the stress of all the other life things on top of being a parent that I think make it harder. I did not love the newborn stage. But I’ve enjoyed every phase more as she’s gotten older (she’s 2.5 now).

I’ve recently been considering part 2 of this question: “Should I have a baby again?” I finally feel ready-ish for #2. (As a close friend and mom of 2 pointed out, you’re never completely ready, so don’t wait for some perfect moment that makes you think you are.) But I also second guess that sometimes, like “am I crazy??? But people do this all the time!” Ultimately it really does come down to the life my husband and I want to build together, and thinking decades ahead to the big family I want to be surrounded by when I’m old and gray.

I should also say, my husband has a very high instinct for helping and taking care of people, to a degree that I haven’t often seen in most men. He pulls aloooooot of weight doing things that usually mothers are left to do, which seems less common. I have at least a few friends who, because of this, are either divorced after kids, or don’t want a second because they know they’ll basically be doing it on their own. But I have a high level of trust in my husband to show up as a true and equal partner in parenting, and we both know our lives will feel more fulfilled with children.

Great thread, thanks to all who’ve shared.

Becoming a parent is like going through a one-way door into a world that exists in parallel with the world of people who don’t have kids. It’s bizarre and different, but wonderful. I had my first kid at 37 and really was happy before, but becoming a parent is the source of the greatest joy in my life. It sounds cliche and it is, but it’s true. Parenting also brings lows and will challenge you physically, emotionally and mentally. It’s a personal choice but I truly don’t miss anything about my old life.

Recommend getting you and your husband’s fertility tested. Knowing if it will be an uphill battle may tell you how you really feel. Hopefully all is well and you have time to decide.

I express or rather expressed regret about having kids all the time and nobody wanted to hear it either.
Having kids out of FOMO is a bad idea.
Ultimately it comes down to the person you are, the life you want, and what you take satisfaction in. It’s a job like any other except it comes with a 20 year contract. It’s not for everyone and I wish people who rave about it point that out.

People have provided so many insightful responses so far – I’ll just add one other aspect. I wish I had known how having babies would actually help me reinvent and fall in love with myself. I used to waste so much time worrying about things that didn’t matter. Now I feel like I focus on things (little people) that bring so much humor and fun and ultimately meaning to my life. All the other silly things like worrying about what people think about me have slipped away. It was a hard transformation, but wow, if the old me could see me now, she’d be so proud of who I’ve become. Some days are really hard, but I end most feeling empowered. It brings a whole new peace that I can’t explain but am so grateful to experience. There’s something really beautiful about watching little people grow up that just puts so much in perspective.

I am a grandmother, so I’ll offer a quick comment from that perspective. When my daughter was trying to decide about having a baby, I told her that parenting is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done, also the most rewarding. If you decide to go for it, be prepared for an unbelievable amount of work and sometimes heartbreak, but also enormous love and joy. Good luck!

Flip a coin….if you heard yes from someone would you do it? If you heard no from someone would you listen to that?

I can speak from my own experience. I have two babies. I can’t believe it. It’s brilliant, unexplainable. I have many thoughts that revolve around gratitude that these spirits chose us, that we are ready for this level of spiritual growth.

I have had thoughts about what I would be doing if I did not have children, definitely. When times get hard, those thoughts come around. It’s part of the myriad emotions experienced by being human and allowing.

You have to ask yourself, am I (are we) ready to handle anything that might come my (our) way? Unmet expectations, expectations blown away because they have been surpassed by your wildest imagination for better or worse?

If that level of uncertainty (which is the level of uncertainty in anyone’s life, truly) is uncomfortable, do you want to lean into that? Maybe yes, maybe no. Whatever you wind up deciding, it is the right choice. Allow intuition to be your guide not the internet ether. Though it is likely interesting to see what other people have to say about this.

My take on this is definitely insensitive to those who cannot have kids, but that doesn’t make it any less true:

Having kids is the single most meaningful thing anyone can do with their life. Period.

The reason my husband and I seem depressed to our child-less friends is because we are so sad for them that they haven’t decided to level up their lives. We feel so awkward that we’re on a transformative journey, while they are still … doing the same things they’ve been doing for the past decade.

Pet owners think that owning a dog gives them an idea what being a parent is like. This is so naive. Kids are not pets. Kids grow and challenge us and move through the world of their own accord. Dogs and cats live exactly by the rules and options we set. They are not even the same category of experience.

Kids connect you to the future – and the past – in ways that a childless person cannot even imagine.

There is a whole entire life waiting for you, as a parent, such a human experience. To me, deciding to not have kids is like a 16 year old deciding (if they could) that they will never become an adult. That they will just enjoy being a teenager forever, living in their parents house and never growing up to be independent adults. To me, that’s how extreme the difference is between childless and parent life. You will be transformed and you will grow in ways you never imagined. You will be challenged (yes it is hard) and you will have to sacrifice some of your creature comforts and your sleep and your short term well being (for a little while). But to say that somehow having kids could be “not worth it” is absolutely laughable.

Of course not everyone can (or should) have kids. If you have severe health limitations, or infertility, or anything else keeping you from living a fulfilling life as a parent, that’s real. And that sucks. I’m just not going to pretend that going childless is “just a lifestyle choice” like getting a pet or going vegan. No way. Not the same at all.

I think you said it all: it is the meaning of life AND an enormous toll. It’s not one or the other, it’s absolutely both.

So you kind of have to decide what you think can live with: missing out on what you say seems to be represented as the most meaningful experience a person can have BUT being day-to-day likely slightly unhappier, OR having a happier moment-to-moment existence but never doing this thing that all of your generations of family members that led to you have done and that many (though obviously not all) people find enormous meaning in. And part of that equation is: which “worst case scenario” outcome is worse for you?

My husband and I were also unsure – we’d generally thought we wanted kids one day but one day always felt a long way off. And when I thought about why I wanted kids, it was almost more about wanting adult kids when I was old than the actual kids to take care of as babies and beyond. That said, when I was 34 and lots of our friends were having babies, we realized if we were going to do it the time was now and we decided that it was ultimately something we wanted. It took us a while to get pregnant but we finally had a baby when I was 36, and she’s now 6 months old. I went in expecting it to be very very hard and while it certainly has had its challenges, I don’t think it has been as difficult as I imagined and also don’t feel like I have lost myself or had to give up that much of my former life. I know that is not everyone’s experience- our daughter has been healthy and relatively chill, and we have a lot of other supports (local family, financial resources, etc.) that also help. And there has been so much more joy than I expected. I feel confident we would have lived full and meaningful lives without kids but I’m also so glad we decided to have them. I don’t agree with the sentiment that if you’re not sure you shouldn’t do it. I’m also not saying you definitely should – it’s definitely a big and personal decision, but I don’t think some level of ambivalence means it should be a no.

Inwardly considered as a massive toll on life? With all due respect, this statement makes me think you haven’t had many deep conversations with parents. Sure kids change things and take a lot of effort, but I bet the vast majority of parents (myself included) would say their kids enhance the joy and meaning in their lives deeply. I think you have a really misguided perception of what parenthood means in most peoples’ lives.

Having a kid is truly the experience of a life time. Not the happiest trip or the most depressing trip, just a real freaking trip. It stretches you. It molds you. It makes you grow. It makes you change your entire lifestyle. I love my children and there are many moments and days that I miss my pre-kid life. I wish I could leave the house and just take care of my self. I wish I didn’t need to spend 1.5 hours packing lunch, clothes and dropping them off before I’ve even started my work day. I wish I could travel without thinking about risking jet lagged children up all night, kids who won’t eat the local food and paying for those extra plane tickets and hotel and $$$$. But they have made me grow so much as a person. I no longer sweat the small stuff. I have learned to relinquish control, trust the process and they are the little faces I think about as I lay my head down to sleep. You can be happy either you choose to have a child or not – but you alone must make that decision and once you do, choose to be happy and fulfilled.

It is a really, really hard decision. My husband and I sat on the fence and became firmly planted there (with 3 dogs!) at 36. We left the door open to the possibility, but weren’t going to any great lengths to make it happen. We just lived happily, never giving it too much thought. Like you, I’d seen and heard of the massive toll and challenge of both pregnancy and parenting from family and friends and became very dubious of the purported joys of signing up for parenthood.

Long story shortish, we got kicked off the fence by an “Oops” pregnancy when I was 43. The pregnancy went flawlessly (it can be a bit of a nail-biter at 43, thankfully it was not at all) and our joy-filled, healthy baby is now 5 and every age and stage has been glorious. Being his Mom has truly been the greatest honor of my life.

That is the absolute truth.

Also true are the moments of massive toll. There are challenges at every age and stage that have made me question my suitability for this role. And there are the extra-fun challenges that came when I discovered this tiny human had the unique power to drag the hardest, ugliest parts of me (the parts I tossed deeply away never to be seen again) out of the proverbial closet and into broad daylight and often in front of my most judgey family members when I’m feeling my most vulnerable (coincidence? I think not).

I didn’t realize saying yes to having a baby was also signing up for an in-depth, detailed tour of all my imperfections and vulnerabilities, but I am so grateful for it. I have not loved every minute of working through my hard parts, but you bet I’m profoundly grateful and much, much happier for sure.

But, wait! There’s more. There are new and different parenting challenges ahead (and more skeletons in my closet to pull out! Bah!).

My unhelpful conclusion therefore is: Happiness is a choice. Choose wisely.

“What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Having a baby is WILD. And deeply precious. As are most things in life worth doing.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have a child. It’s absolutely not for everyone. But I do think unless it’s a hard “no” it’s a yes.
My one piece of advice if you do decide to go for it is to just be open and feel it all. Let it change you. Know that you’re still there— and you’ll come back to yourself— whether it takes a month, a year or a decade. You’re worth the wait.
And if you don’t go for it… girl, enjoy!

I’ve never commented, but I feel compelled because I often feel unseen when I read through threads about having children and hope that it fills in a space that even one other person can relate to. I have always wanted to be a mom and it is one the most incredible things I have ever done. I always thought I’d have more than one child. I also never considered the complicated ways it would impact my life until unexpectedly getting pregnant with an IUD on our engagement trip a year before my wedding to my soulmate and years before we considered having children. I understand and relate to the idea that you can never regret having a child—my daughter has expanded my heart in unimaginable ways and is a source of daily joy and love and awe and stress and exhaustion. I often crave to have this kind of love with more beings, to see her with siblings, to experience this heart opening love again and again. And while I am still a toddler parent, I feel strongly that parenthood does impact your relationship and your life in ways that are beautiful and ways that are immensely hard. There is so much joy and there is a lot of loss too. While love is not finite, we also are beings with limited capacity to meet our own needs and the needs of others, and every being we bring into this world puts new demands on that capacity. I feel like many people see the choice not to have children or to have one child as a choice where you are robbed of extra love in your life and I have not experienced that at all. I was deeply in love with my husband and immensely fulfilled before our daughter. Seeing him as a dad is heartwarming and beautiful and also we have far less time and energy to invest in our relationship with each other—that energy is now invested in our family. It is purposeful and joyful and it also will never be like it was with the two of us when we were our each other’s whole world, and were not always connected to this other precious being, constantly thinking of her needs over each other’s and our own. Part of why I chose to have our daughter and why I’ve wanted another child is to have more inextricable parts, to divide my love further so there is less fear of loss, so there are more beings in my family to connect to me and to each other. But the reality is still that it is division. It is division of the time and energy and space that it takes to nourish loving and supportive and fulfilling relationships, time I already don’t have enough of with my two humans I love with my whole heart (not to mention my other family and work and adventure and the many things that brought me such joy before so much of our world became our daughter). I don’t know if this helps with your decision, but I hope you know your life can be absolutely full no matter what choice, and there is a need for mourning of the other paths no matter what choice you make as well. Sending love ❤️