What Are Your Parenting Wins and Woes? (April 2024)
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Thread closing on 20 April, 2024
What Are Your Parenting Wins and Woes? (April 2024)
A few weeks ago, we brought back our Wins and Woes series. The responses we received were amazing, so I wanted to highlight one of your wins and a woe and provide a space for you to share new ones.
Feel free to leave some encouraging words, share your own story, or help celebrate someone else’s win. As I usually say, parenting is wonderful, but it can also be hard. It takes a village, and I’m so proud of how you all show up here.
And now for your Wins and Woes!
—Denisse, ParentData Community Manager
Win: My husband and I have a one-week-old newborn (our first), and we are trying hard to follow “fed is best” and “sleep is important for everyone,” even though that has meant a tricky balance of nursing/pumping/bottles. But this all means we are getting 6+ hours of sleep a night, and our baby beat jaundice without a lightbox! Thank you, Emily Oster, for preparing us to embrace flexible solutions and practicality rather than dogmatically sticking to ideal visions.
(And P.S. this also applied to us throwing out the “natural birth plan” when we had to have an emergency induction for maternal high blood pressure at 37 weeks. Thank you thank you, Emily, for letting me know that everything would be okay. 🙏🏼)
—Isabel O.
Woe: After having my third kid recently, it’s finally happened — I’m not keeping up. Work, parenting, and self-care are pretty much where I spend all my time (things like my marriage and friendships are … on hold?), and, unsurprisingly, all three are suffering. I’ve been leaning out hard at work (and am privileged to be able to do so), but it’s still not enough. Life is joyful, but I worry that a breakdown is on the way.
I’m confident things will be okay — just not sure how I’ll get to that place.
—Loretta E.
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Our 5 month old went on his first overnight road trip and he did great! I was so worried he would scream the entire car ride and refuse to sleep in a new place, but he did great with both!
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Our 5 month old did his first day trip to a family event and was also a total champ!! He’d never been around that many people before (winter baby/anxious mom) and was just so interested in everything. Didn’t cry or fuss at all. It’s such a relief getting past these firsts! 🙂
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I agree that or third kid tipped us over the edge. After feeling pretty on top of the world with two, I called my best friend and said “this is really hard” after the third. And she said “yeah, I was starting to think you were crazy if you had three young kids and never thought it was hard” – which is exactly what I needed to hear. It makes sense that things are hard right now, but our mantra in our house is ‘everything is a phase’. Our third is 8 months and I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Asking one parent to stay home with all three isn’t an overwhelming ask anymore, she doesn’t need to be held constantly… it’s getting better!
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So many people seem to think adding a third kid is no big deal, but I think every new baby is a big transition for all involved. My third is now two, and one thing I’ve learned is how important it is to reevaluate systems and routines when things aren’t working anymore. For example, when my youngest was 15 months, I hit a breaking point, and we reevaluated our childcare needs. Obviously not everything can be changed, but if things aren’t working, I highly encourage a brainstorming session with your partner to determine what isn’t working and what, if anything, you can do to fix it.
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We moved our now 6-month old to his own room a couple weeks ago. I was sad and nervous (and still sometimes feel these things), but it has been an amazing transition. He went from waking 2-4x/night to sleeping through the night! And we can read books in our bed with lights on (instead of headlamps!). We are ALL sleeping better and I’m so glad.
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I’m celebrating this moment for you. And praying for the same results. Our second is almost 5.5 months and we can’t get through the night without at least 2-4 wake ups 😭 Needless to say we’re exhausted. We’re setting her crib up today. You’ve inspired me to move up her crib move-in date 🙊🙊
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I can do sympathize with this woe. It’s only 2 for me, but yea I feel like I’m stretched too thin and everything is suffering.
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+1 here. I recently returned to work after my 2nd, and am so privileged in so many ways (allowed to work remotely for a couple of months to transition, encouraged to take it easy at first, a very involved partner/co-parent), I feel utterly overwhelmed on all fronts and am about to reach a breaking point. Coming here reminds me we arent alone – so thank you, and I’m with you!
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I’m with you both! My 2nd is 15 months and I thought I’d have “mom of 2” figured out by now. Personal hygiene has taken a backseat and I feel like I’m failing at work and home life. I figured it out with my first (she was not an easy baby/toddler) and I know I can figure it out with this one too – it just feels slow as molasses.
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The transition from 1 to 2 is what made me go down in hours at work. I had been at 35 hours/week with 1 kid, and it felt totally doable, but after the 2nd, I went down to 20 hrs/week. I’m so grateful my job was so flexible and am loving having the extra time with both kids, so it’s definitely not a complaint! Don’t be afraid to brainstorm creative solutions to make it easier!
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Win: My husband and I finally had our first trip away from our kids since our second was born almost two years ago – in fact, it was my first night away from our younger one, ever. Not because of any particular nervousness on my part, but we never had the impetus to do so. We finally did this weekend, thanks to help from awesome grandparents.
Woe: Despite feeling worn down from the daily grind of having two young children, I miss them terribly. Like can’t stop thinking about them or talking about them, and can’t wait to get home to them. Keep thinking about what we’d be doing and how much fun the kids would have if they were here with us. We are back in our pre-child days, physically, but not mentally.
I realize it’s such a privilege (in a myriad of ways) to be able to get away like this, and I know I was feeling burnt out from parenting, so this is much needed. How do I enjoy myself without missing my kids too much?
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It finally happened after your third?! What I want to know is how you kept up after the first and second!!! (I am struggling with one!) It sounds like you’ve got some parenting special sauce to do that, which makes me think you’ll definitely get there with the third, it may just take a big longer.
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❤️❤️❤️ we have been suuuuper lucky and privileged in so many ways (flexible work, enough money, a very easy second kid). Wouldn’t have gone for three otherwise. So our “three” might be someone else’s “two” if that makes sense…
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Win: Last night was my first time sleeping through the entire night/doing no nighttime feeds since my son was born five months ago. So glorious to get a full nights rest, especially as I prepare to return to work next week.
Woe: My husband and I still learning the ups and downs of parenting together. It’s good learning and growth but feels hard sometimes!1 comments -
Woe. My 2.5 year old is NOT listening to me. Example from this morning: she’s climbing into the baby’s swing, backwards, and I tell her to stop. She looks me straight in the eye and says ‘no.’ Dr Becky told me to hold my boundary so I say it seems like you’re having trouble listening so I’m going to help you and try to lift her off. Cue the screams and 3 seconds later she is trying to climb it again, and this goes on and on until I lose it and say the swing is going in the trash! Not a fun morning.
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Win – I’ve been using a new trick to help my toddler take deep breaths when he is melting down. I hold five fingers up and ask him to blow out the “candles” (the “candles” are my fingers.) he almost always loves it, and it really helps calm things down.
Woe – I’m feeling completely overwhelmed lately. Between the ups and downs of a grandparent having cancer, routine sicknesses for my two small kids, tough stretch at work… I’m feeling like I’m failing at everything despite doing my best. Does it get easier?0 comments -
To the mom just hanging on with three – I only have two (2.5 year old twins) plus an extremely demanding job, and agree that I am JUST barely hanging in there. Can I ask people… is it okay if many of my friendships are on hold? I just… don’t have mental capacity for much of it, ESPECIALLY for my child-free friends (many of whom aren’t just “child-free” but pretty openly uninterested in anything to do with children) who want to talk about current TV and pop culture and complaints about things that seem, to me, extremely low-priority! Maybe that’s a separate problem, but can anyone relate? To be clear, I knew that having children would change my friendships, but I’m honestly not feeling that SAD about the loss of those friendships – but I know those friends are feeling very hurt by my “absence”!
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Friendships with child-free friends have not survived us having kids. It’s just a huge gap to cross. There is something really gratifying and comforting in having lunch with a friend, both of you with your kid(s), and feeling free to step away from the conversation to handle something kid-related and get back to it when you can. The fact that you can both pay 50% of your attention to each other and be okay with that because each of you understands why the other 50% is elsewhere is priceless.
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For the mom of three, not sure how old your youngest is but I found it easier when my third was older than a year. That way it’s a bit more- one more bowl of cheerios, one more toothbrush. Less breastfeeding or formula, different foods, and able to sleep through the night. When watching three, I definitely have to think at any given time, who is fine on their own- maybe the toddler on the potty needs you and the other two will be fine. Also, booking a sitter for date nights or daytime where you don’t have to do whatever is the hardest part of your day. For me this is going out after my youngest goes down and avoiding bedtime for the older too occasionally. How do you feel they are suffering? Maybe short special time with the bigger ones? Re-examining with you partner who is doing what to balance it more? Letting the laundry slide another day? Sending positive vibes.
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Woes – I feel like my mom intuition is off. I keep missing these illness signals (stomach bug, double ear infection) and feel like I’m projecting my adult “play through the pain” pace of life on my kids. I know my kids are loved and taken care of, but boy do I feel bad when they’re not well and I missed the signs.
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I’ve had these moments too. My son gets super whiny and clingy right before he shows any symptoms of being sick and a couple times I was like “what’s wrong with you, knock it off”. It took me a couple times of this happening and me feeling awful to learn. Parenting is like anything, We have to learn from past experiences. Next time I bet you’ll pick up on it faster. We’ve all been there.
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Isabel O. / anyone who has successfully put “fed is best” and prioritized sleep into practice: I would love to hear what your feeding arrangements looked like in the newborn days. I’m about to have my 2nd child, and feeding was fraught with challenges with my first. Nursing was challenging. Sleep was challenging. And it’s made me very nervous to do this again.
I really want to approach this second time around with a better mindset re: feeding— hopefully involving my husband more from the start. I’m planning to try nursing or pumping again, but I want to remain open to formula from the start — either supplementing or switching fully to formula early on.
Any tips on what worked well for you?
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Where can I find more information on what Isabel is referring to with “fed is best” and “sleep is important for everyone”? I’ve tried searching and asking Dewey but to no avail. Thanks!
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Check this website out: https://fedisbest.org/
It has very helpful perspectives on feeding
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