Ask if they want it first. Have a conversation about it where you genuinely seek to understand what’s going on from their perspective and what they are already doing to solve it. THEN ask if they want your help or advice before giving it.

What PP said about offering to do some research… “Can I do some research on options and summarize them for you if it’s overwhelming to pick?” This is the best thing I’ve heard. As a mum of a 19mo and struggling with sleep, the biggest difficulty is finding time to do any research on how we might go about changing things. It’s one thing offering advice as an experienced mother yourself but gathering together any advice from reliable sources would be a whole new level of helpful!

In my experience with my daughter’s grandparents, the more actual help they offer us (babysitting, bringing food, etc.), and the more they show a respect for our decisions and a willingness to do things our way, the more open I am to their suggestions because I’m already confident that they have our back and trust us as parents. Putting in the work to build that trust can go a long way.

There’s a lot of useful suggestions already on what you can do to be helpful. Asking them what they need and offering to help. I just want to reiterate that you shouldn’t push them to sleep train. It’s easy to read the research one step removed and conclude that’s the obvious best solution for them. But sleep training is one of the most emotionally charged topics for parents. I know all the research behind it, I fully understand why some parents pick this path but I personally could never do it for my children. I did a lot of other things to get them on a schedule and eventually to sleep, all while feeling immense pressure to “fix” my kids sleep. Not only have they likely heard of sleep training, they probably feel pressured to do it and aren’t for a reason. Unless they tell you they don’t know the options and ask for help, what would have been way more helpful for me would be an acknowledgment that this is a really tough stage and that I’m doing the right thing and an offer to help (not advice to do something I strongly believed against). Like all things in parenting the research can be very helpful but can ideally only take you so far so it’s important to respect their personal parenting decisions.

I’d like to add two points. The first is that history comes into play here a lot. If my mother offers advice on my infant, I’m most likely annoyed as she has a history of saying her opinions about everything I do. While if my father does, I listen more.

The second point I haven’t seen mentioned is that you can start the conversation by asking why they’ve made this choice. Maybe they have an ideological reason. Maybe they just are scared to do it. Whatever it is, it gives a way to judge the openness to a conversation and a way to start one. It also assumes that they have an intentional reason, validating that they are thoughtful parents.

Maybe this is a hot take, and definitely over generalized, but I think the village is dead. There may have been a time when there was more of a community approach to parenting, and wisdom was passed from generation to generation. Access to information was much different as well. Now, we live in a very individualistic society. My kids, my parenting style, my life. It is very difficult to offer advice that is not explicitly asked for without it coming off as a critique of one’s parenting. Generally, I think when parents want advice or information, they seek it out on their own.

If you are local you could frame as something for you: “it’s been such a joy to watch [baby] grow up, I’d love to spend more time with them or do [things you’d like to do] to help you out more.” I’m a first time mom of a two month old and my mom lives across the street. She helps a lot but I don’t want to burn her out so I am careful not to ask for more than what she offers.

If you have other grandchildren, definitely don’t compare or say how your other kids handle it. My in laws do that and even though I know it comes from a place of caring and support, it’s easy for it to feel like a criticism of my parenting when I already don’t feel super confident.

Like you’d approach any kind of advice. Frame it around understanding then first. Start with what they want from the situation (most likely they’d like their baby to sleep on it’s own but who knows). Then help them see that what they currently doing isn’t working. Just keep the curious frame throughout.

To echo what most have said, I think the best way to offer advice is to wait for them to bring it up to you, as in complaining about it, and then asking if they want advice. If they say yes, I would just keep it simple and direct. Also, I think it’s great that you yourself are open to suggestions and figuring out the best way to navigate this!

I think starting with “it’s hard to see you struggling like this,” is a good way to express the feeling without jumping to solutions. Based on their response, you can judge if they’re open to suggestions or want to handle it on their own. It’s also possible it’s not bothering them the way you assume it is.

I too am a grandmother to 2 boys belonging to my daughter and her husband. It is easier to see problems from the outside looking in as a grandparent than it is as a new parent struggling to find their way through life with a new baby, and outside advice is not always welcomed. Additionally, as the patrilineal grandmother there is an additional layer of awkwardness as your DIL may welcome advice from her own mother more readily.

However, if your son and/or daughter-in-law confides that they are struggling with this issue I think that is a tacit invitation to you to offer suggestions. A fine line.

If not, you might consider approaching it from a stance of concern for them (“You both seem to be struggling with getting the baby to sleep unless he/she is sleeping with one of you. If you want I am glad to share some ideas that worked for me.” That way you leave the communication door open if they decide to walk through it.

Having said that, I realized long ago that there are as many ways to parent children as there are people in this world. They will figure out the best way for their family at some point.

I’ve found in my own experience that a lot of people want to give advise even when I don’t want any advice so my first question is always, do you want advice or help or do you want to share?

If the former, what kind of help can I give, if the ladder, I’m here to listen.

When I had my first, I never thought I would do anything but some form of cry it out eventually. When that didn’t work for my and my husband, I started exploring other options (because I was going insane) and landed on co-sleeping which has worked really well for both our kids and ourselves. I found a lot of information on how to do it safely and given our struggles, I felt it was worth it.

So maybe the conversation isn’t, this is what to do, it worked for me. Maybe it’s, (if they want help) have you considered different ways to handle sleep, schedules, cry it out, co-sleeping? Can I help you figure this out?

Not every baby or family is the same and giving advice in this moments can often feel judgemental and overwhelming but that doesn’t mean avoiding offering help.

Speaking of advice giving, I hope this helps

I love that you’re coming to this already from a place of empathy for the struggling parents, so definitely express that when trying to help here. If I were the couple, here’s what I think would be most effective way to approach me:

1) Let the parents bring up the topic of sleep and their struggle. If they’re open to talking about it, they might be open to suggested solutions.
2) Acknowledge that this season of life was hard for you too. Acknowledge that you want them all to be able to get the rest they need.
3) Identity the resource(s) that you have found most helpful and share it with them. Let them read through it and process it on their own, in their own time.
4) Understand that they may not implement the advice shared. It might not work for them and their lives. You can approach this with curiosity- Ask how’d it go? What parts didn’t work? Were there any pieces of the advice that helped? Let their feedback inform your response. Did they not have time to read the resource? Maybe give them a summary of the information. Did they try it but not get the desired results but seem open to new ideas? Then help do more research and repeat the process of 2-3 with some fresh ideas that may better fit their situation. Do they seem angry with the check in on the sleep training? Then just back off the subject.

My husband and I struggled with this too. We tried routines but struggled until we got into daycare. Turns out ours wasn’t getting enough stimulation throughout the day to be tired enough to sleep on her own at night until making some baby friends.

– First time mom who works

Some people respectfully disagree about cry it out methods being OK for babies. Having personally observed difficult CIO (baby crying hysterically for long periods of time), I’d never use this approach with my baby despite what Emily has said about it being safe. I’d rather go without sleep during this relatively short and very formative period in a child’s life. Do your son and DIL want help? Are they happy cosleeping? I would not offer advice or comments in this area at all until you open your mind to other perspectives like the heysleepybaby Instagram account. After that, I’d ask how they feel about the situation. If they are happy, leave it be. If they aren’t, tell them you read something helpful about sleep and forward them something to read on their own time. If my MIL told me to do something differently wrt to sleep, feeding, etc. and I hadn’t invited her to give me advice, I would feel she was intruding and it would not be helpful for our relationship.

I would not offer advice or even ask if they want advice unless they bring it up. This topic is a particularly good example – it is not as if they could be unaware either that sleep is important or that there are thousands of resources about different sleep training approaches out there. You may see them struggling but they may see themselves as crushing parenting on top of their full time jobs, and your offer of unsolicited advice, even if couched as an offer to offer, will necessarily appear as a criticism. IF they approach you first then I would ask how you can support them – and be prepared for the possibility that they may want only to vent that parenting is hard and not have you suggest solutions or point them to research.

This is tricky because you are trying to help people that are sleep deprived and not thinking clearly and “sleep training” is such a loaded term – as well as your role as MIL (depending on relationship). My first son only slept on me for two months and I just thought it was supposed to be that hard and thought he was too young for “sleep training” – thank whatever bigger force is out there because a friend reached out and said she was using a schedule / plan for sleep times, wake times, eating times for the age and weight of her baby a few months older than me and just having the plan / schedule helped so much. Most people use a million crutches (including themselves as the bed / pacifier / etc) to just keep their baby quiet – but babies aren’t supposed to be silent to be healthy – they should be allowed to be frustrated too. For me, when she asked me – what do you think your baby is saying when they cry was a game changer for me. Using a schedule / plan changed my life in 24 hours – I got more sleep, was able to pump more, and my baby was infinitely happier from getting more and better rest. I had been so tired and had not thought it was even possible his cries were anything other than I’m starving or I’m so lonely or I’m dying. It could really be they are saying – please leave me alone so I can figure this out and fall asleep. I would personally offer to pay for the consultant to come and do it for the parents at this point – the window is closing and they can’t think clearly.

I think the best way to approach this is always by saying something like, “This method worked for me” or “I’ve heard that some people do x”. It’s best to offer a suggestion of a possible solution rather than using “You should” phrasing. With this particular problem, I’d just hand over the Dr Ferber book so they can read the chapter themselves and understand why sleep training is beneficial.

If you want to help them get more sleep, ask if they would like you to watch the baby while they take a nap! Having a conversation where you try to convince them to sleep train is not helping, it’s sharing your opinion. They have heard of sleep training and decided not to do it right now. If they want your opinion, they will ask for it.

You sound like such a great grandma! I know that this is coming from a place of love and concern, and you want that love and concern to come through to your kids, without an iota of criticism. With that in mind, I think that it would be good to wait until your kids bring this (or any) problem up, and then just ask questions! What do they think the problem is? What have they thought about that might help? What have they read or heard? Do they have any friends who are going through the same thing? Is there any way that you can help? This might just help them sort through their thoughts on this and problem-solve on their own within the parameters of their own beliefs and values, which is the ultimate tribute to your relationship!

I think all parents like to hear what they are doing well. Undoubtedly, your son and DIL are working harder than they ever have to create the best family possible. For me, I would feel pretty discouraged if a family member said “I see you struggling,” when I was doing my very best! Instead, if they showed empathy (ie. “Raising a young family and working full time is such a challenge and I see how you are really rising to the occasion and giving all your effort to raise a wonderful child.”), I’d be much more likely to feel comfortable accepting advice.

Sleep training is really a personal decision. It was definitely not for me. If your son/DIL have searched online for baby sleep advice at all, I’m sure they have already come across sleep training…and it sounds like they prefer to support their baby to sleep.

While you may think sleep training is the best way to improve things, perhaps you could offer support in other ways, such as bringing meals or groceries over, babysitting, helping with cleaning, picking up baby from daycare etc. This would help give mom and dad a break. As a tired parent, I am so grateful for less to do vs. advice on more things I can do (sleep training). It may be hard, but I’d probably skip advice on sleep training altogether and just support them in other ways.

(Side note: I read Moms on Call and cried just thinking about what they suggested, so I don’t recommend it! 🙁 Hey Sleepy Baby and The Nurture Revolution book are much more aligned with my own views. There is not just one right way to sleep and every baby/family is different.)

Echoing the thought to offer help in other ways and also it depends on your relationship with them whether you can offer suggestions. My mother is a fixer; she hears a problem and ALWAYS offers a solution to it when often times I just want a shoulder to cry on… (and often her solutions aren’t particularly helpful). Now that I’m a mom myself I understand the tendency to want to make things better, but don’t underestimate the power of “things are really hard right now, I’m here for you.” Rather than proposing a way to fix it.

Personally for me, advice on this topic would not be well received. Sleep advice is everywhere on Instagram, websites, etc. Taking Cara Babies being at the top of google search 🙂

There are two opposing camps on sleep training, they are likely in opposition or just haven’t had success with their attempts. Either way, I find it hard to believe they are unaware of this option.

I’m sure you’ve gathered lots of helpful responses. The approach is important but most importantly once broached – complete understanding of whatever they choose to do should be honored and validated.

I am – personally speaking – opposed to sleep training and while there were days I considered it and certainly days it was recommended to me, it just isn’t something I’m comfortable with. I also understand why others may choose it as a parenting tool and why others might suggest it. But at the end of the day they may have reasons they do not want to and that’s okay.

Don’t. Really.
They have heard about sleep training, I promise. If it was something they wanted to do, they would have done it already. Literally all you can do is wait for them to ask.
(I work full time and am a solo mama to a 2.5 year old who, at your grandchild’s age, had zero routine and would not sleep unless he was held. He outgrew it. I was very tired for a while, but we coped.)

My MIL actually was able to offer us help in a way that I thought was as nice as anyone could be: She saw that we were struggling with certain behavioral issues with our oldest, and I know she wanted to be helpful. She basically said, I know that you guys are exhausted and trying your hardest and feeling frustrated, a friend of mine said her daughter/SIL joined this parenting class/support group thing for parents of toddlers and they said it gave them great insights but also was mostly just *reassuring to bond with other parents and be reminded that difficulties were normal*. (Key items here: she started with empathy; she made her suggestion about something my husband and I – both extroverts/very social – would *like* and not something she thought we “needed” or “should do”; and she normalized what we were going through as just, every parent/kid combo has things come up where they have to think intentionally about strategies.) She knew we were looking for solutions here, so she could take the role as a partner in looking for solutions and respecting our need to pick what WE thought would work for us. (She also offered to help pay for it, which was lovely, although for some that might have come across as “i really think you should do this because you need parenting advice, and I feel so strongly about it that I will pay for it”.) Because we were looking for solutions and ideas ourselves, this worked. If someone is NOT looking for solutions (EG if these parents are like, this is how we want to do it and we don’t care if we are losing sleep, we will never sleep train using any method) then it doesn’t matter how you say it, it will be unwelcomed, and you have to have a particular relationship to push something someone doesn’t want to hear. If they ARE wanting to do something but are just uncomfortable with the strategies they have seen, you could suggest something that meets the things you know they are looking for (not just “sleep training” but like “able to soothe baby during sleep training, right for the age your baby is, etc”) with the introduction of “oh I know you were looking for XYZ and I heard about this site/person/etc who meets those requirements, want me to send you the link so you can see if it could work for you?” And if they say no, DROP IT and move on 🙂 They are grown ups, they can figure out for themselves when *they* need to change.

I like what one commenter said about asking if there are ways you can support them. BUT. As a co-sleeper and attachment parent, I fully support the reasons behind why they have chosen to contact nap. That said – when it comes to basically any kind of advice – my best advice is to not give it…. unless it’s specifically asked for. Parents generally read a good bit of information these days and and parenting in a much more informed way than arguably any other generation of parents before us. Unless it is a safety issue, advice is not generally ever wanted and feels infantilizing to the child. I think for the advice giver, it usually comes more from a place of wanting to be helpful but also feeling (even if not fully recognized internally) a sense of your way being superior. If parents want help or advice, they will ask for it. Otherwise, they’re experiencing the “natural consequences” of their approaches to sleep hygiene, and if that’s not sufficient to move them to ask for advice, or seek ideas from trusted sources they read parenting advice from…. then unsolicited advice is surely just going to be met with annoyance — even if they don’t tell you. Just accept that the best way to have a wonderful relationship with parents and children, is just to support their decisions and leave your opinions at the door.

I was just like your son and his wife; I had been a nanny for a long time and thought that I knew a lot about parenting, but my husband and I fell into a pattern of putting our baby to bed at 9pm or later every night because we never graduated from the newborn stage of “reading his cues.” I know a lot of people on this site are pro-sleep training but I’m not and never will be, HOWEVER we approached sleep SO differently with our second son. Between the extremes of “parent-directed” and “child-led” sleep there is a wonderful, happy place of middle ground where you view the ability to fall asleep as a skill that a parent can’t force a child to learn, but a skill that CAN BE TAUGHT. My guess is that your son and his wife have fallen into their patterns for a reason, and if it’s because they want to be able to comfort their baby whenever he cries, then thankfully there are still hugely effective strategies available to them. With our second baby, we set a regular bedtime of 7pm, which is when babies naturally get sleepy. In order to make that work, we kept him from napping right before bed, we used several infant “sleep hygeine” cues—practiced in exactly the same order each night—-to tell his body to prepare for sleep, and we kept his room absolutely dark, no pinpricks of light from a smoke detector or anything. When dealing with night wakings, we used a red light setting on a headlamp to comfort him, and we used the “sleep ladder,” to give him some time to practice his self-soothing skills. We started when he was under 6 weeks old and so we never got into the habit of nursing him to sleep or rocking him to sleep, but with an older baby it will take more time and patience. As a granny, I think your advice would be better received if you can say, “I just learned this! Look what I found on Google about the sleep ladder and how it can help teach babies a new skill. Boy, when I was raising kids we never thought about it this way. How exciting!”

Unasked for advice can go unheeded because it is so aversive to receive advice you did not ask for. Parents are flooded with advice all the time. It feels bad, and feeling bad does not make people receptive or put them in mind to hear what you are saying. Doubly so if you are the parent of the parent in question (and twice again if unasked for advice is part of your history).

You can ask for permission to weight in. Something like “It is so hard to help babies sleep! Can I share what worked for me/can I make a suggestion?” Crucially, you need to be ready for a no and not proceed if that’s what you get.

THIS.
Unsolicited advice isn’t helpful and usually backfires. They’re doing the best they can right now.
If you want to engage, you can try to understand, asking questions from a place of curiosity. Just seek understanding. Don’t seek to convince them you know better than they do. Until they tell you they want you to solve something… they don’t. 🙂

Yes. as someone with a 7-month-old who’s not a “good” sleeper, they have almost certainly already heard, read, and/or tried whatever advice you wish to give them. Personally, I would prefer to not have the topic of sleep brought up at all. The best thing my MIL did was to simply say “if you ever want to leave him with me for a night, or if you want me to come take a shift so you can get some sleep, I am available.”

Seconding @heysleepybaby!

100%! I get annoyed when people even ask “how is he sleeping”. I know they mean well… but sleep is not linear, it depends on the day, the week, teething, developmental milestones, etc.

I’ve started just saying “great!” to be done with it. And it’s always my MIL who asks 🤣