Ariane

As many others have chimed in here, perhaps get a second opinion from another pediatrician, and find out if your state offers free evaluations/early intervention services before the age of 3. My son also pretty much had no words at 15 months (he would sign for milk and all done, would say “dada”, “ga” for car, “hi” and that’s about it) and the pediatrician wasn’t concerned. He had hardly any words at 18 months too (he was saying some additional animal noises like “baa” for sheep and “oo” for woof for dog). She still wasn’t concerned. Again at 21 months, same thing (he was saying mama by then, and “moo” for cow, and also NO, but not much else). I was, because I was also comparing him to his peers that we saw on a regular basis, and his speech was behind compared to his friends. I know, not a good measure of anything, but it’s so hard to not compare! He had a language explosion a month before he turned 2 – and within a month was putting 3-4 words together, which temporarily reassured me. But we had A LOT of trouble understanding him (even at home) and at daycare his teachers also said they had difficulty compared to others his age, and he would get frustrated. I also had some concerns with his behavior (his pediatrician did not) – occasional violent tantrums, major food refusal, lots of hitting, etc. So I scheduled an evaluation (which was great), and he scored within the average ranges and didn’t qualify for early intervention services. They said at his age, understanding only 50% of his speech was still within the norm, which was a surprise to both myself and his daycare teachers. That evaluation was 2 months ago, and his pronunciation has slowly been improving. I also just took him to a dentist that specializes in oral ties to properly evaluate his mouth (the speech therapists said it was a little unusual that he says “y” for “v”, so for example vacuum is “yacuum”) and everything was normal. For his behavior and overall development, they commented that he was self-directed and had a particular temperament, and tried to give some tips/advice for reducing tantrums and getting him more interested in food, and some other things. But again, it was all “normal” for his age. I do wish I had done these things earlier, just for peace of mind for myself. If your pediatrician has concerns but isn’t sharing any resources with you, please try to find another doctor.

I feel you! This stage has been SO trying for us. Our son is 27 months now, and there are days when he is the cutest most adorable cuddle-bug, and days where it’s like a scene out of the exorcist. Hitting, spitting in our faces, thrashing, screaming like some creature from Mordor. It has been VERY hard to figure out what triggers the bad days – whether he’s not feeling great because he’s congested and maybe didn’t sleep that well, or it’s just developmental, or he’s getting his 2nd set of molars in (they have been so slow) – or it’s just part of being a toddler.

Generally speaking, I’ve found that since his language skills have developed more, and he can speak in full sentences now, that has helped just slightly with tantrums. The year from 1-2 was really terrible tbh (he went through a month of boycotting naps just before he turned 2, and that sucked). The tantrums were more frequent than they have been since he turned 2, although they weren’t always as intense. He recently screamed for so long (because I wouldn’t turn on the tv) he threw up all over the living room, which was a first.

I did research a bunch of different books and podcasts to try to find strategies that would work – but I’ve found some things work on some days and not others. The reason behind the tantrum and behavior is variable. For example, is he throwing his plate on the floor because he’s not hungry and doesn’t want to sit down and just wants to play? Or is it because I served chicken and pasta and he wants a muffin and that’s not on the menu?

He had an evaluation for speech development and behavior last month (and scored within the “average” ranges for everything) and the evaluators commented on how self-directed and willful he was, and they tried to give me advice and tips for reducing hitting and tantrums for someone with his temperament. I found that the tips for toothbrushing have worked on some days (get him to brush my teeth or my husband’s) while we brush his teeth – it distracts him and he laughs while we make silly faces and open our mouths wide. Previously, the songs we’d sing, the brushing of his stuffed animals teeth, etc. didn’t really work because he always wanted to brush his own teeth, but would only suck or chew on the toothbrush.

The other things they discussed – like giving him food options so he can pick what he wants for example – just don’t work with him. If he has 3 different foods on his plate and he decides he wants something else, that’s it, there’s no changing his mind. He just won’t eat. And he can go for weeks like that. They also talked about having him involved in the food prep and cooking (more than just chopping stuff with his toddler knife, which he already does) – so we prepared mini pizzas together. He picked the toppings and assembled them. We put them in the oven together. He was all excited to eat them, and then picked everything off, took a nibble of the crust and spit it all out. I ended up eating all of them. At the end of the day, so much depends on your individual child’s personality!

The evaluators did stress that a consistent response is necessary – so if I tell him no food on the couch, but hey you can sit on the floor and eat, and he insists on sitting on the couch and I give in one single time because I can’t stand the screaming anymore – he’s going to remember that time! It is exhausting because there are some days where you just want the screaming to end, and you can’t take it anymore. And the crutch was often the tv. If I had work to do, or even needed to cook or do laundry or whatever, and it was bloody murder screaming and crying for hours, as soon as the tv was on he’d stop. I’d get my sanity back. So that did turn into a huge issue for us. We broke the cycle by stopping the tv cold turkey for weeks. It was rough. There was A LOT of screaming. I ignored him. He still asks for the tv occasionally but not nearly as often as he used to. It does help enormously that the weather has warmed up and we can go outside more now – over the winter that was really tricky, especially when you have a kid that is terrified of the snow!!

One additional thing that usually works with him (again not every day, but it’s worth trying it – and this only started working once he was able to express himself) is asking him some questions that give him a couple of options, and distract him from the problem. So for example when I went to pick him up at daycare the other day, he had some toys he was holding that he didn’t want to let go of. And the daycare teacher was like hey let’s give these to your friends. And he started screaming NO NO NO. We both tried a couple more things to get him to put them down but he wouldn’t. Instead of just wrestling them out of his hands (which I’ve definitely done before, but that would have led to hitting and spitting and rolling around on the ground), I said hey do you want to hop to the car or do you want me to carry you? And he said walk! I said oh you want to walk to the car? And he said yeah walk to car. So he let the toys go and we were able to leave.

Good luck!!

The question about measles is very timely – I just got an MMR booster a few days ago (at 42). When I was pregnant, my doctor told me I did not have immunity to measles and should get a booster after having the baby. I had never been informed by any doctor that having one shot (like we did in the 80s) didn’t give everyone permanent immunity. So if the protection is 95% after a single dose, how many other people are walking around totally oblivious like I was? I had a lot of trouble finding a pharmacy that carried the vaccine and they had to order it – the pharmacist said it’s not a vaccine that is typically requested for adults. Perhaps it should be.

I think one thing I wished someone had told us was to hire a night nurse or postpartum doula or nanny that would be available at least several times a week. I don’t know how many of these people exist, but if you don’t have family or friends nearby to help, and you can afford it (because chances are insurance won’t cover it), you should seek one out. We did have a postpartum doula but she only came 1-2 times a week during the day for a few hours. It was helpful because I was able to nap, but not nearly enough. We had no other help.
I had a very long physical road to recovery after a difficult delivery with hemorrhage, surgery and blood transfusion, and was in pain for months from severe tailbone bruising, and then had to have surgery 6 months postpartum. I went to pelvic floor physical therapy for months. I never thought I’d feel normal and be pain-free again. I remember that first week thinking how am I still alive when I have literally gotten like 10 hours of broken sleep total in the past week and am taking so many painkillers? Breastfeeding was also a struggle, and made me miserable for months. We did a combo of formula and breastfeeding, but I honestly wish I hadn’t attempted to breastfeed at all. I felt enormous pressure to try though, from pretty much everyone except my husband.

Generally that first year was SO hard. But it WILL get better. Not easier, but better. You won’t feel “normal” again like you did (or at least I don’t), but you can feel human again. Life now with a 2 year old is crazy and still exhausting and often challenging, but he does mostly sleep through the night (and has been for the past year). I was also one of those people who felt like I didn’t really love him at first – I felt resentful because I was so miserable and in so much pain! I haven’t told anyone this, because it makes me feel guilty, and you’re supposed to love your baby at first sight right?! But it is OK to feel that way, and eventually your heart will burst with love for them.
I am also not a “natural” mom, and always second guessed everything I did, and whether my baby was “normal” – I wish someone had told me that when in doubt talk always to your pediatrician first and please don’t go down the internet rabbit hole looking for answers! I spent so many hours getting stressed out about so many things. For nothing. It is OK to feel like you just don’t know what the heck is going on, and whether or not you’re doing things the “right” way. There is no “right” way.

Wanted to chime in here as well because I find this so interesting. I am also 42 and my son just turned 2. I’m an only child, and so is my husband. I despised being an only child when I was growing up and I vowed to have 2 children. My husband on the other hand didn’t mind at all. My parents divorced when I was in college, and my mom died from cancer 7 years ago. I had to deal with her affairs mostly by myself (well with my husband’s help but not the same) and it was an extremely stressful and awful time in my life. My father is in his 80s, lives abroad and he’s not in the best shape – and that is a constant source of stress for me as well. However, as I got older, I realized one child would be enough and that was solidified with a difficult pregnancy and delivery for me and not wanting to repeat that process. As Emily said, there is absolutely no guarantee siblings will do anything with regard to relationships or assistance with parents or siblings. My mom had an older brother who became estranged from the family. I never met him, and he didn’t even attend my grandmother’s funeral. I found out he died fairly recently, without anyone in my family being aware. My father has 3 sisters and there’s usually some version of family feud going on between them. My in-laws have good relationships with their siblings and that was helpful when their parents were ill and passed – but in my mind that aspect should be very low in the decision making process (even though I would have killed for sibling myself!) because there are just too many unknowns and what-ifs. There are so many other tangible variables like finances, health, whether you have a support network around you, etc. I hope our son isn’t burdened with our care when (and if) we get old, and when he’s old enough to have that kind of discussion we’ll make sure he knows that.