Amarkle

The answer here is to simply, actually, set and hold the boundary (of course, the fact that it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy). At present, your in-laws do not respect your wishes about how to care for your child. You say they’re your only source of overnight childcare – it feels like a hard trade off because on the one hand you’re getting something you want a lot (meaningful child free time with your partner) but giving something important up (control over how your child is cared for during that time).

The problem is, so far it sounds like you and your partner have “expressed wishes” instead of setting boundaries. Some boundaries could look like this: we will only leave our child with an adult who will (a) feed them proper meals, (b) allow them age appropriate sleeping times, (c) limit screen time to X hours per day, and (d) take them to school. An adult who won’t commit to these rules is not permitted to take care of our child without our supervision. An adult who breaks those rules will lose access until they can show readiness to honor those rules. Now, to be clear, this might mean you lose your overnight childcare! That might be hard! But, that’s actually setting and holding a boundary.

I empathize with the poster’s question, because I have no overnight child care and no remotely local family. My kids are almost 6, and 2, and my husband and I have spent a total of one night away, together, since having kids. I fantasize ALL THE TIME about getting a weekend away together. We make arrangements for one parent to get away (or travel for work) as an accommodation. I am certain I would be okay with childcare that differed from my own approach in exchange for a precious few days of special adult time. I also think you are experiencing the issues when that exchange falls too far out of balance. I think you and your partner (whose parents these are) need to have a serious discussion with the in-laws about your expectations and rules, not wishes!, and see the reaction. If there’s no willingness to change, then you have to decide if you are willing to hold the boundary.