Jules the First

Going to disagree with you here. My toddler doesn’t touch the oven while I get a casserole out, not because I’m an authority or because I’ve driven into him a rule, but because I take preemptive action – I give him something vital to do (usually carry something in the other direction to the bin) or something “important” to hold, or I send him up into his learning tower to do some prep task or off to set the table.

He holds my hand in the parking lot because we play superglue (at 1.5) or I carry him, or (at nearly 3) because we have the conversation inside the mall doors, face to face on his level “what do you need to do if you’re going to walk to the car?” “Hold mama’s hand?” “That’s right! And?” “And do good listening!” “That’s right! Listening ears on and let’s go!”

Teaching my toddler to assemble his own inhaler etc was a huge step forward in getting him to take it sans screen time. The other one that works comes courtesy an amazing paeds nurse on the ward who used to put the mask anywhere she could think of except the right place (elbows, toes, ears, etc) until he was giggling like a maniac and then ask him where to put it. In the moment it takes longer, but it absolutely helps in the long run. (Sending love from another asthma mum!)

So nice to hear someone else for whom Big Little Feelings was unhelpful. It often leaves me feeling left out and alone!

We tried a lot of things, and actually what worked best is Laura Markham and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. The key is connection – the tantrums are a symptom of your kid feeling alone and disconnected. Once we started using Dr Markham’s play suggestions (TLDR version: make your kid laugh without tickling them for at least ten minutes every day), it was like I had a different kid. We still get tantrums these days (34 months) but I can map those almost 1:1 onto days where I’ve not made time for this kind of play.

The other one that helps me find my calm in the moment is to ask myself “what would Bandit (Heeler) do?” Bluey’s parents are far from perfect, but the reminder that Bandit, in particular, will always try to find the silly and supportive way through any situation (Chili’s default is affectionate but serious and I find it much closer to my intuitive parenting style and so less helpful when I’m going to lose it) is a good way to get out of my own head and find a new perspective when I’m cranky.

Don’t. Really.
They have heard about sleep training, I promise. If it was something they wanted to do, they would have done it already. Literally all you can do is wait for them to ask.
(I work full time and am a solo mama to a 2.5 year old who, at your grandchild’s age, had zero routine and would not sleep unless he was held. He outgrew it. I was very tired for a while, but we coped.)