West37

I’ve had 2 … the first unplanned but welcome, the 2nd 10X more transformative bc of a reduction in work stress. Both much loved & a great learning curve, which I think happens for a lot of mothers – the more you are facilitated to just enjoy the day to day with them in infancy, the more you get out of it in terms of your own emotional peace. For the dads, their journey seems harder to predict, my husband’s mind is demonstrably energised by his work, his life really improved by having kids but what is sometimes an unconscious privilege (to choose, for at about 2/3 of his leisure time, where he directs his energy) used to frustrate me as the mum of a toddler (the most high-need age)… this was until I saw that my hyper-awareness of, or being attuned to, my children is a source of power for me. Relationships – including those between parent and child – grow more intuitive with every shared experience. In some respects small children also act like selective mirrors, any emotional quirks you have in existing with them may get reflected back at you — and that’s partly why I feel it’s transformative. You imagine parents teach their children but at best it’s reciprocal, they teach us. I learned much stronger and more respectful communication and boundary-setting with my partner as well as with them. I also became more emotionally flexible, in many directions.

Meanwhile, what outsiders might see as a parent being withdrawn or exhausted, is often simply the mental struggle of shifting their attention away from their toddler – who always is potentially about to experiment on something – and sharing that attention with another adult! So, if you want to energise parents of the smallest children or allow them to reconnect with you, then you have to be ready to take on the role of watching their kids, or absorbing all that energy somehow, to give them space to reconnect with the adult world.

There are other areas of life that mimic the intense learning curve of parenting — other caring relationships, other jobs such as teaching, community action, and even some friendships mimic the family dynamic for strengths & forging solidarity with other people… so if you decide not to have children — or if you find you are not able to — I want to add a message of strength that there’s not some unique font of knowledge or self-awareness that only parents have access to! However, my daughters did unlock unexpected personal growth for me, which I am really grateful for, & I see that curve mimicked in other parents.

My bottom line though is that what is often described in short-hand as patriarchy – or, to be more specific, the world of paid work — is not flexible enough to support most parents. My children amuse me because I love them unconditionally, even when they’re being adversarial. What I found a much harder flex was all the *other demands* placed on functioning adulthood at the same time as raising a child. It’s a lot — but if you already have a strong & supportive relationship with your partner then it’ll thrive.

In terms of a hypothesis for parental dynamics, I will add a practical note that division of labour in those earliest months is a real choice – feeds & burping & nappy changes seems are all part of that learning how to be attuned to what their children feel in any given moment. 0-2 is such a transient & fast-changing phase, but my hypothesis would be that how parents react & view their roles in that stage, tends to set the theme for the other life experiences that a couple might have as kids grow.