Sara

Oh and I agree with other commenters that grandparents gonna grandparent and indulge with TV and junk food. That’s annoying, but perhaps not a hill worth dying on. But the ditching kindergarten and “keeping secrets”… that’s on another level and that’s not normal grandparent behavior.

I am so sorry your family is dealing with this. This is disrespectful and egregious grandparent behavior. The red flags for me are viewing kindergarten as optional/within her discretion and instructing your child to keep things from you. When I was dealing with a toxic family dynamic, my counselor pointed out that when a grownup is instructing or colluding with a child to keep information from a parent, it’s called a “hierarchal alliance.” This is a troubling problem solving strategy, as it could be used by another adult to groom a child for much more nefarious purposes. I would never want my child to learn or accept that problem solving strategy. On that basis alone, I would be unable to comfortably leave my child alone for overnights and would seriously reconsider my approach to the relationship (family visits only, no “free” childcare). That’s not “free,” as there is a very real cost to your family. I disagree with other commenters that there is some way to effectively set boundaries with a person who is willing to form the hierarchal alliance to avoid whatever boundaries you might set. I think you need to be able to see that it’s fairly likely that your MIL is being very clear about her interest in your wishes (she isn’t).

I also recognize that sometimes family childcare is the only viable solution, so in that case, I would seek to minimize overnights and would not choose now for a getaway trip. Personally, due to challenging family dynamics that make me uncomfortable, we’ve just decided no couple trips until our 4 year old twins are older. It’s just not worth the stress and disruption to our lives. My husband and I take alternating weekends away so that we both get meaningful breaks. It’s far from an ideal solution, but it’s temporary, so we have made our peace with it.

You might be able to set a boundary that if the child does not attend school daily, the child will not be staying for overnights going forward. This is verifiable and would ensure at least some consistency. When dealing with people like this, it’s best to use “BIFF” communication: brief, informative, friendly, firm. Here’s an article about how to communicate in this manner: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/201809/biff-4-ways-respond-hostile-comments