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When my son Archie died after 6 days in the NICU, here’s what I remember being a comfort:
Meal Train – so much love and it takes the burden of decisions, cooking and cleaning off the family.
The only thing said the stuck with my was: “I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what else to say. I love you.” It was so genuine and hit on exactly the right sentiment. You can’t say a single thing that will help other than acknowledging how awful it is and that you love and support the family.
Say the baby’s name, and remember them every year.
Ask the family if there are signs that remind them of the baby (an animal, rainbows, etc) and tell them when you see the sign and think of the baby.
In the early days of grief, if you’re invited, sit with them and follow their lead. My good friend came and watched Magnolia Tv with me. We chatted a bit and laughed at the mishaps on the show. It was nice to have someone there without the pressure to talk. We also cried together plenty.
If you think they’re open to reading it, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart is a very validating book. It talks about various approaches to grief and how grief changes over time – specific to baby loss. It made me see that my husband is an active and social griever. He wasn’t ignoring anything. He just needed to be in motion, which is the opposite of me. It’s so important to understand this as a couple.
Offer to do anything that might be challenging. They don’t want to go to an appt, offer to call to cancel for them. Grocery shopping. School drop off for other kids.
I found it was easiest to talk to the people who were able to hold both grief and normal conversations – and switch quickly back and forth. Sometimes you want a light convo and sometimes you want to be so incredibly sad.