catherinewl

I always start from a place that people are an expert in their own child. Generally, when parents aren’t correcting their kid, I’ve found it’s because they’ve learned that it’s ineffective and maybe even counterproductive for that kid. I’ve got one of those, and having people judge my parenting when he was small (before he gained the skills not to break toys) was so demoralizing and difficult.

I don’t use apologies much, because they don’t fix anything. When my kids apologize to me, I’ve occasionally (reflexively, regrettably) snapped “I don’t care how YOU FEEL about what you just did to me. What are you going to do to fix it?!” But the healthy version of that frustration is a desire for redress and to avoid a repeat in the future. When my kids cause harm, I tell them they have two options: ask how they can help fix it, or explain what they’ll do differently next time so this doesn’t happen again. It’s future-focused and tries to actually address the harm. And sometimes, when they ask how they can help, “Say sorry” is the response, and that’s okay. Some people like to hear it. I’m just not one of them.

But it’s hard (and ineffective and awkward) to lecture other parents about how you want them to behave in your home. I’ve navigated similar stuff by;
– Prior discussion: “my only reluctance to this play date is how wild the kids get. When they leave, my house is wrecked. What if you prep them by saying every hour, we’re going to spend 5 minutes doing a cleanup song?”
– Being the example: if my kid is too wild, I intervene and do my thing in a visible way. It can remind people to do the same.

But mostly, I found my peace in letting other people choose their parenting strategy without my (even silent) opinions. When I have problem-solving energy, I direct it at my own family. There is so much freedom in not caring what other people do. I could sing a song about it. Obviously, that means you have to put the things away, or get serious about directing activities (“today we’re doing an obstacle course outside!”) or even make the parents aware but still leave the Fixing Ball in their court (“let’s keep the kids outside this time. Last time, X toy got broken and we had some tears. I want the kids to enjoy their time together.”) And trust that people do things for reasons. There’s probably a reason they don’t correct the kid. Maybe open a conversation about how difficult discipline can be and see what you learn about their experience.

How I parent in a group is this: Parenting is hard. I try to high five them, help them, or get out of the way.