cjyar

Becoming a parent adds another loved one to your life, but being a parent isn’t easy. These new challenges may make you a better person, or they may sometimes be overwhelming. Probably both.

We lost 5 pregnancies before our first was born. Here are some things to think about:

– All of these pregnancy loss stories have happy endings. That’s overwhelming for people who don’t have a happy ending to their pregnancy loss story yet, or at all.
– There are several good communities on Reddit that are supportive. Talking with other people who have been there is the very best thing you can do for yourself. If you find people IRL who’ve been there, that’s even better.
– Don’t show up at their house and expect to make them smile or laugh. Tell them it’s okay to feel bad. This is a grief just as intense as losing a loved parent or sibling — but the grief process is different and will feel different. And it will likely last for years.
– Don’t show up and expect them to tell you how to make them feel better. “How can I help?” can be an overwhelming question for somebody who’s already emotionally and mentally overwhelmed. Be present, but don’t be a burden. If the kitchen is a mess, don’t ask; just clean the dishes. And use words like, “Let me know if there’s something else I can do.” That gives them space to sit on the couch and stare at the wall if that’s what they need. Or space to ask you to join them in a fun activity, if that’s what they need.
– Every grieving process is different. Let them grieve the way they need to. Maybe they need to hide evidence of the pregnancy, or maybe they need to keep their child’s cremains right on the breakfast table. It’s tougher when Mom and Dad have different grieving processes.
– The essence of parenting is to love, support, and make decisions for somebody who can’t do those things for themselves. The people who lose a late term pregnancy — or choose to terminate a non-viable pregnancy — are parents, not almost-got-to-be-parents. They don’t have a beautiful baby to show for it, and they may not want to spend time with other people’s beautiful babies.