Cyn

First, I want to say that if the husband is writing about his MIL then he has a wife involved and it’s her mother so she needs to take the lead in speaking up, presuming she is actually in agreement with her husband’s assessment that it is not a good situation.
Second, if their child is 4 years old it sounds like they’ve been allowing this toxic environment to develop for several years without improvement. That doesn’t mean things can’t change, but they’ve got a long history they want to counteract and it makes the job more difficult. I would suggest the husband and wife draw up an agenda before they meet, and plan a time to meet together with the MIL & FIL without their child around (in school, in bed, at a friends house?). Most importantly, they need to assume the PIL want to spend time with the child and won’t want to lose that opportunity, in which case they need to make it clear that they (the parents) require certain limits and boundaries in order to continue the child spending long periods of time visiting.

The MIL not taking the child to Kindergarten is particularly disconcerting. School should not be seen as optional and the activities and socialization are important for the child, as is a routine. If MIL is putting the child in front of videos instead of taking him to school, that’s an even bigger reason to insist she not take him out.
Lastly, why is this the only avenue open to these parents for alternate care? We never lived near family when our kids were young and used outside sources for child care. If money is the issue, it can be possible to find (a group of) family friends to trade off child care—-especially now that the kids are older.
Good luck!
(I am a grandma and we moved across the country to spend more time with our grandson. We try to support our daughter and son-in-law in how they want to raise their child.)

I applaud those who have written so far for their very wise and helpful comments and suggestions. In 1953 my mother lost a child who was a twin and had Down’s syndrome, at 4 months of age. There were 6 children in the family age 7 and younger, and the baby never lived at home. Our family never talked about this sister or acknowledged her. I feel pained about this, on my mother’s behalf. By contrast, I have a sister and a niece who experienced death of a 39-week child in utero, and a 4-day-old, respectively. The statements others have made about acknowledgement are spot-on. My sister had 3 toddlers and as hard as that was, it forced her to move forward. It was my niece’s first child and I know the devastating grief must have been paralyzing.

One thing no one has mentioned: the dreaded questions “Do you have any children” OR “How many children do you have?” My youngest child died at age 24, 9-1/2 years ago. I decided long ago that I cannot negate his existence by saying I have 2 children. I always answer that I have 3 children. If I feel like it, or if it’s pertinent, I can add that my youngest has died, but I have no obligation to tell anyone this. Sometimes I have the macabre thought that if I’m asked where they live I can tell where each of my 2 older children reside, and give my youngest’s address as St. Paul, Minnesota, without mentioning that his residence there is a cemetery.