Caroline

Absolutely agree with you that people should not compare first trimester miscarriages to stillbirths. I’ve had one of each and they are not even close to being the same. It’s not about trying to out-grief each other or be competitive about who has it worse, but they’re just nore comparable. I hated the book “The Baby Loss Guide” for this exact reason– it claimed to be a resource for all types of pregnancy and infant loss, but almost the entire book was about miscarriage, including the first-person guest essays, and it did nothing to address some of the worst parts of having a stillbirth (like recovering from labor and dealing with things like your milk coming in, all without a baby).

Also, be someone that they can talk openly about their baby with, even when you don’t ask, as time goes on. I’m 7.5 months out from my daughter’s death and I still have some very hard and griefy days and I’m glad I have friends that I can talk about it with instead of feeling like I have to carry it all myself.

I had a third trimester stillbirth last summer and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. The grief is immense. Here are a few things that helped:
-Show support without expecting anything in return, and be patient. For the first couple of months after it happened, I was so drowning in my grief that I could barely leave the house or talk to anyone. Answering emails and texts was hard and sometimes I couldn’t do it. But I still appreciated hearing from people, so send the text or email, just be okay if they don’t respond. Drop off food but don’t expect to socialize. Grief is hard and sometimes it takes up all your energy and you don’t have any left over for socializing or communicating.
-Say their baby’s name and ask to see pictures. Keep mentioning their baby as time goes by, especially on holidays or special occasions. You won’t make them sad by reminding them that their baby died— they already know that. You would make them way sadder by making them think their baby has been forgotten.
-Ask how her physical recovery is going. It SUCKS to be postpartum but not have a baby to show for it. You still go through all the normal postpartum stuff but it’s like people expect your body to be back to normal when there’s no baby.
-Be gentle and understanding if they can’t handle being around babies, pregnant people, pregnancy announcements, etc for awhile.
-Be cognizant of their baby’s birthdate/death date and know that that day or those days will probably be triggering for them. Ask them how you can support them on the anniversary next year of if they want you to help celebrate their baby. Your child dying isn’t a one-time event that is over and done; you miss them at every milestone and continue parenting them even after they’re gone.