RoevieliJo

I will share our story in case it resonates at all. I always knew I wanted kids, but my husband was more reticent. But he generally liked the idea of kids and when he was 39 (after being together 7 years), he was open to “seeing what happened.” I was 29, and got pregnant a month later. I always felt like I was sort of pulling him along in relationship markers, from getting engaged to having kids, and now that we have three kids, I realize what a mistake it was. He is a wonderful guy who loves me (and our kids) so much, but his temperament is just honestly not suited to raising small children. While I’m often tired and occasionally exasperated, I think my kids are funny. If they misbehave, I can usually respond with empathy and gentle correction as a matter of instinct combined with a genuine interest in parenting best practices from books/courses and other resources (like here!). I would have another in a heartbeat if he were willing. The early years were overwhelming and hard, but that was honestly a brief period of time (they’re 8, 6, and 3 now and life is pretty smooth sailing). But my husband finds the noise and general illogical-ness of small children to be overwhelming and overstimulating to a paralyzing degree, and he’s quite unhappy on a daily basis. We’re both still here because his sense of duty and responsibility keeps him trying, day after day. He’s constantly battling a temper that neither of us realized he had — it had never been tested or triggered in his child-free life. It makes me sad for him, for me, and for our kids — our family is a burden to him, no matter what he says otherwise. Neither of us really understood the impact of personal temperament on childrearing, but it should be considered. My husband continues to be a considerate, responsible, and dedicated partner who shares all household responsibilities equally. But he has to really work at parenthood, which means there’s not a lot of emotional energy left over for anything else for him — no hobbies, no friends, no romance–and it’s driven a wedge in our marriage (yes, we’ve been to counseling). I love my children too much to leave a stable marriage and put them through the upheaval of shared custody, so here we are, warts and all. And yet, I wouldn’t trade my children — THESE children — for anything in the world, and I couldn’t wish for a different life choice because it would mean I wouldn’t have these particular kids. I live with the disappointing marriage for the privilege of being their #1, their practically full-time parent, even in a two-parent household. They give me that much joy and fulfillment
*because I always wanted them.* They were my kids, even before they were born, if that makes any sense at all. My husband continues to try so hard, and as long as he keeps trying, so will I. So there’s a messy “it depends” answer for you. Bottom line: know yourself, your partner, and your marriage before you throw a stick of dynamite into the mix (exact words from a therapist counseling a friend who was wondering about having a third kid, ha!).