ellie bernstein

hey there!! i was in this EXACT same position in 2019. i was 34, closing in on 35. i was happily married to my college sweetheart and we had two amazing cats. life was good. i had oodles of time to myself and the world hadn’t started burning down yet, lol. ultimately we decided to go for it, figuring i’d have lots of time to let the idea marinate as i was older and i figured it would take longer.
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i was pregnant in 3 weeks.
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6 months into my pregnancy covid hit. our cats got sick and passed away. my career came to a screeching halt when my dance company folded under the pressure from covid. my husband had a mental breakdown during my pregnancy. (his first of two, another would follow about 2 years PP). life did a 180 and it was all completely out of my control. oh and we also moved cross country to a place i didn’t know a single soul.
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the first year or so was incredibly difficult as it always is, but i think i can safely say it was a bit more difficult for me than most. i was basically a single parent, lost in my life, no career to go back to, and on the brink of divorce. in a new state. with no friends.
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to make a very long story short, my husband received the mental health treatment he needed, i grieved the loss of my career (and honestly my identity), i found other new moms, made friends, hired a nanny so i could get some me time back. and in the last year or so i feel alive and like myself again.
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is it hard? unbelievably. is it worth it? absofuckinglutely. there is no way to explain how much richer and deeper life becomes with a child, despite the incredible challenges. i think it sounds like you are afraid of losing yourself with a child. and the thing is, you do lose part of yourself. i tell my tale as a reminder that we change no matter what. life comes along and upends our plans. we will never stay statically happy or content. i know you can absolutely find and feel richness and depth of meaning in life without kids. but man oh man is it a whole different ballgame of love with a child.
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one thing that has helped me a lot has been to remind myself that each stage, for better or worse, doesn’t last. baby not sleeping though the night? it suuuucks but it doesn’t last. toddler having meltdowns constantly? it suuuuucks but it doesn’t last. falling behind on your self care because you’re so immersed in childcare? it suuuuucks but it doesn’t last.
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and my son cuddling up with me and wanting to hold my hand also won’t last forever so i am savoring the sweetness of age 3 and doing something i never in a million years thought i would do —- contemplate #2 at almost 40.
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i hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. life is strange and wonderful. my son has definitely helped me to embrace that!