Louise

My favourite way to set a boundary is to respond as though someone has made a kind offer or asked a curious question. Just be unable to hear the judgement. No justifications needed.

Doesn’t she need a hat? Oh, no thank you, she’s great like that.

Are you sure? Yes! Thank you 🙂 🙂 🙂

You’re letting him have all those sweets? Oh, yes, absolutely!

Just let her stay up! Oh, no thanks, we’re going to put her to bed now. But I love that you want to spend time with her!

It keeps the tone light and very seldom does someone want to double down and say out loud “no, what I mean is that I think you’re doing it wrong.” And when they do (looking at you, MIL) it still works, you can just say “Oh, that’s too bad! Sorry you feel that way!”

I really don’t agree with this. I think the kindest and most respectful thing is to be open and direct. If you’re sort of hoping the “offensing” family will feel guilty (i.e., recognize their own behaviour), you’re not hoping to save them from feeling singled out, you’re hoping to save yourself an uncomfortable conversation.

This has happened to me a couple times. Each time, in the moment, I say something kind but clear, like “Oops! Looks like you accidentally broke Jamie’s toy! Jamie looks sad.” Usually the kid will apologize spontaneously. If they don’t I prompt them. Where I live that’s totally fair play – if you are a trusted adult you can gently offer guidance or correction to a kid you know. Maybe that’s not true everywhere.

When something like this has happened and it’s a baby or someone else who doesn’t have a good handle on cause and effect, I talk to the parents like I would in any other upsetting situation: “Hey, my kid was really upset that Baby Alex broke that toy. I know they’re too little to know better! But I was hurt that you didn’t even apologize. It made me feel like you didn’t care.”

I really think that telling other people directly how their actions impact you and what you’d like to see from them creates the best possibility for conflict resolution.

I wish instead of “this will pass” or “you’ll get through this” someone had said “you just blew up your life, and now you get to rebuild it however you want.” I had a really traumatic pregnancy and birth that had significant mental and physical impacts for a long time, over a year. One of the hardest things for me was coming to terms with the fact that there was truly no going back to the before – once I “got through” all the tough stuff, life wasn’t going to be like it was before, just with an added person around. This was a totally new life. New body, new feelings, new routines, new responsibilities, new demands, but also lots of new possibilities and options. It was terrifying having to rebuild my whole world but also it was an opportunity to reflect on what I wanted to add in to the new world or leave out of it. Once I realized that, the process felt scary but empowering, rather than just overwhelming. “You’ll get through this” or “this too shall pass” made it feel like I was just waiting for things to happen to me. Feeling like I was building something new for myself and my family made me feel powerful.