Emily

First, I fully support people who choose to be child free. I think that can be a great and thoughtful choice for people — and may be a great and thoughtful choice for you!

I’d like to reflect on what you may see as your parent friends being miserable though because, from the outside, I could very well see myself looking like that friend. Parenting creates a lot of exhaustion and stress, especially on relationships. BUT while I might not always be happy with parenting (just like folks are not always happy with any part of life) it is the most fulfilling and gratifying thing I’ve ever done.

Sometimes I feel the loss of my old identity, but mostly, I feel like my children have pushed me forward in new ways that wouldn’t have been possible without children. My self-knowledge, emotional intelligence, problem-solving, creativity, and so many other parts of me have grown through this experience. For those who have unresolved emotional pain from childhood, parenting can poke at those wounds but also give you the opportunity to finally tend to them and heal. I feel like I’m leveling up towards self-actualization in ways I couldn’t have achieved on my own.

Parenting young children is especially hard on relationships, and candidly, there have been a lot more arguments and feelings of disconnection with my partner since we became parents together. BUT we are also acting as a team constantly and appreciate each other in new ways. I know that, when we get through this phase of life, we’ll be a better couple for having faced this challenge together. In many ways, this is already happening for us, even when things are hard, and all it takes to reconnect is intentional time together.

And then there are some parts of parenting that make me unambiguously happy. I had an unbelievably tough day at work yesterday (like the sobbing kind), and being with my kids totally turned it around. Watching my baby crawl for the first time and my toddler draw our family with increasing skill, joy, and humor filled me up in a way that nothing else can do for me. I get to play outside, run around, be silly, use my imagination, and see these amazing people grow right in front of me and help them become who they truly are inside.

For me, parenting has been amazing, so it’s okay if it also makes me look and feel sort of miserable sometimes. Oh, and as for our dog, while I’m sure he regrets getting less attention and adoration from us than he was used to, he now gets a ton of people food (dropped by the baby) and sweet pets from our gentle toddler. So, while increasingly old and crotchety, I think he is also satisfied with his new life situation!

We’re also in three-ville (and newborn land). It’s by far the hardest phase so far. We’ll do it! Just like we did all the other things!

For everything you feel you’re failing at now (transitioning back to work, caring for older kids, just making it through the day), you’ll look back a year from now and not understand how you could have possibly done so superhumanly amazing under the circumstances. This moment is just hard. Anything you’re managing to do at all is incredible.

YES to coming into this with curiosity and compassion. If they haven’t done this because they don’t plan to sleep train, that’s their choice, and it leaves room for you to offer other kinds of support that can open up some space for rest (even if they might not get some quality sleep for a while) or just for them to feel cared for. But, speaking as someone who *does* want to sleep train and even knows exactly which method (because I’ve even done it already with our first child) but doesn’t have the bandwidth to review the steps and implement them (between both of us having jobs and learning to adapt to having two children), what I wouldn’t give for a family member to offer to skim Ferber for us and draw our attention to the relevant parts.

I’d only add to make sure your concern comes off as neutrally and openly as possible. I might not even use the word “struggling,” which could convey that they’re trying and noticeably failing. Focus on observable facts and how much you care. To riff on the above commenter, something like “I noticed you don’t seem to be getting much sleep and that it’s been hard for you. I care about you. What can I do to help? Would x, y, or z be helpful?” You can even say, “If the kind of help I’m offering isn’t something you want, I understand. I just remember how hard this all was when I was a new mother and want you to know I am here for you.” Refine the language to fit your relationship, with sensitivity to the fact that even if they’re not getting judgment or pressure from you, they may be sensitive to that perception if they’re getting it from others in their life.

Thanks to OP for asking. It’s so heartening to know that there are grandmas like you out there even if I don’t have that.