EMT09

I’m going to begin by admitting that I’m envious of your quandary. My mother refuses to watch our child in general, much less overnight and my MIL, who would have, is no longer with us. My husband and I just took our first weekend away without our daughter (2.5) and it cost us $500 for a Friday at 5 through Sunday at 1. It was so wonderful for us individually and for our relationship, but sadly, based on the expense (that was sitter alone) is not something we’ll do frequently, even though we do well financially. I’m only adding this because this perspective seems to be missing from a majority of the responses to your question.

But from there, I’d ask 2 other questions. Is what you’re asking for reasonable (i.e. What do you expect two seniors to do to entertain what is likely a very lively 4 year old all day?) and are you providing support/resources to meet your expectations (i.e. Are you bringing snacks you prefer she’d eat instead? Providing prepared activities or tickets to museums or the zoo or other things to keep your daughter busy that you’d prefer to tv?). If not, that might be a place to start.

Assuming that you are and that your wishes still aren’t being honored, then you have a choice. You either accept the free care with its limitations, find a sitter you can pay to meet your expectations (you’ll still have to set them up like you would in the above paragraph) or you decide it’s too much for you and you stay home.

If you accept the care with limitations, some perspective could be healthy. One angle-you’re on vacation and so is your kiddo (she’s with different people in a different place and enjoying a reprieve from her usual routine). Another perspective is that while excessive screen time and sugar aren’t ideal, they’re not going to cause extreme, long-term damage. I grew up eating entirely too much sugared cereal and watching too much tv in the 80’s and 90’s, and here I am with a doctorate, working in a well-paying and respected role in my field, working out 5 times a week and eating a balanced diet. So, regardless of what I was like pretty regularly at 4 or 5, I’m a different person now.

Assuming you’re still with me and you’re going to take your vacation, I’d pick my battles. I’d say something along the lines of “I really appreciate that you’re willing to watch our daughter. We know that’s not something every set of grandparents would do, and we really appreciate it. We are also grateful that our daughter gets to know her grandparents, spend time with you and have a great time. We hope you’ll do whatever makes you all happy this weekend, as long as (daughter) is healthy and safe. That said, it is very important to us that X goes to school because (insert your reasons here). It’s also important to us that we keep lines of communication open because we don’t want our daughter keeping secrets from us (or you). So, while we do things differently than you do, we ask that we all communicate openly about those things.”

Life is short. Your in-laws won’t always be around, and you won’t always have this kind of support. Be grateful that you have it, put the issue in perspective, and set your boundaries, but choose your battles.