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I agree with everything in this post. We lost our first daughter Emerson on her due date in 2020, and every single thing Ryan wrote here resonates 100%. Meal train/prepared food/groceries. I also forgot to eat. Good-hearted TV shows. Doing crosswords and sudokus. Eventually walking the dog (though having someone else do that for the first month after Emmie died was a life saver). Eventually going on long beach walks, being in nature. Reading books on Buddhism actually helped me because there was a lot about the impermanence of everything and the interconnectedness of everything, it made me feel more accepting of my complete lack of control in the situation.
Never ever say it was for a reason or “you can try again”. Never ever ask when they’re going to try again. Never compare it to your/your friend’s miscarriage. Say their baby’s name, say you’re thinking of them and their baby. If they want to share the cause, listen and show empathy, but often people will never know why, so don’t press. I still sometimes wonder if I could’ve known or done something different (the doctors all have said no…) so be sure you’re not adding to that internal fear your sister may be feeling. It’s also so triggering when strangers ask questions about “do you have kids” or ask if my living daughter is my first—if I’m feeling brave I say “she’s our first who we got to bring home”
Now, 3 years later, I still love when people text on Emmie’s birthday to say they are thinking of her. I love when people light a candle on Oct 15, for the “wave of light night”, or give a donation in her honor to organizations like Star Legacy. I love that my dad gets us each a Christmas ornament every year and gets one for Emmie too. I love it when people randomly mention that something made them think of her.
Another book I highly recommend for both parents and family members is Pascale Vermont’s Surviving the Unimaginable. Also plus one on grief counseling. I still see my therapist regularly, and she was critical in getting me through my following pregnancy.
Send lots of love and strength