Jg1988!

I don’t know if my comment will add any value because a lot of what I am writing here has been said by the other commenters. I agree with a lot of what has been said, and I think mainly with these three points:

1. Your decision should probably be based on what you want your meaningful life to be about and whether you want a “meaningful” life at all.

One of the commenters mentioned that meaningful lives are hard and that is true; whether you decide to focus on having a life that includes raising children and working, or pouring all your energies into fixing climate change or other meaningful projects that require a lifetime of dedication. This is not to say that having children means you can’t do other meaningful projects, but what I am saying is that having children is an example of a meaningful life project and one thing that defines all meaningful projects is that they are complex or hard, and not walks in the park. There’s a lot of psychology and philosophy books that explore this, and a very pop culture book: “the subtle art of not giving a f$&ck”

2. The second point is around whether people with kids are unhappier than people without them, which is what you seem to notice from your friend group.

I think how we perceive others is always riddled with bias and our search for validation. I am 35 years old, and have some friends with kids, some friends who try out them and what I can say from my biased perception is that some people with kids look happy and maybe a bit tired, and some of my friends without kids are doing fine but seem restless in their own ways, as if they are searching for some meaning. Yet, I also have friends without kids who are doing great.. and these individuals have likely found something worthwhile to pour their attentions to and “fight for”. When it comes to this, I agree with the comment that said that parents that look unhappy are likely unhappy not because they had children, but because how they are managing it is not working for them, and something likely needs to change.

In my experience the parents that are more “unhappy” tend to be focused too much on our social media world of parenting and all the expectations that society is imposing on parents and primarily mothers/working mothers. I think when one becomes a parent there is a pull for making sure we are doing all the right things and doing it the right way. But what we forget is that not all families are made the same way and not all children need the same things, so this way of thinking about following the “right way” is going to at some point make the person unhappy when they realize expectation does not equal reality. So, my two cents on this is that if you decide to be a parent make sure you come up with your own way, that you agree with your partner and are flexible, because like with any meaningful thing in life: change will be the only constant.

3. This brings me to my final point: the need for a village.

My only caveat to everything I wrote above is that I do believe it’s more pleasant to raise children when you have a village that supports you. Whether it’s grandparents living close who can help with occasional pickups or sick days, or an aunt/uncle or a really good friend, these people are invaluable in helping you raise a child while you still enjoy other aspects of your life. Going back to the “unhappy” vs “happy” parents, my friends who have children who look more “unhappy” (at least in my biased perspective) seem to be missing the village. I am fortunate to have both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles all in close proximity, so my son and future second son can have that in their earlier years. I don’t know if I would have a second child if I didn’t have that, because it’s what saves me on the days that I need it the most.

Remember that this decision is about you and your partner and no one else. Good luck!