@tutortori

Hi Emily, Does the book discuss diastasis recti or hypermobility? What do you believe the ideal postpartum care should look like? For example, should pelvic floor physical therapy be automatically offered by ObGyns? Should pre- and post-natal massage therapy be covered by insurance?

For context, my births 4 years ago and 2.5 years ago both disabled me, and I still haven’t recovered a functional core (or normal exercise generally). The combination of hypermobility and diastasis allowed my spine and hips to “melt”/deform, causing excruciating pain and disability that went undiagnosed for months. Thank you.

ADHD Mom, you are not alone! There are tons of us out in these streets😄

Don’t feel guilty for taking care of your well-being. Your kids’ well-being depends on yours, so “put on your oxygen mask before assisting others.” More importantly, you matter, and you deserve to have boundaries. Your kids and everyone else around you will also benefit from observing how you enforce healthy boundaries when they navigate doing the same for themselves.

That said, it still breaks my heart when my kids cry for me and seem to believe I am rejecting them. Here are a few ways I create space for myself while making sure they still feel loved:

1. I use consistent indicators, like closing and locking the office door when I am working, studying, or otherwise unavailable. If I need to zone out, I lock the bedroom door. This one requires another person to watch the kids, so have a conversation with your spouse if you need them to step in more.

2. I try to spend time with them as a regular part of our routine daily, so they know when and when not to expect my attention. I set a timer so that I don’t feel anxious about my other responsibilities, and I give them my undivided attention.

3. When I have no help, and they are climbing on my head, spraying water in face, and crying at 100 decibels for me to replace a broken cookie, I get extremely sensory overwhelmed. I deep breathe, and I firmly explain what they will not have and what solution we have instead, and why. I explain the reason even when I don’t think they can comprehend it. Then I redirect them. If they are upset about it, I comfort them briefly first with a hug or back rub, but I don’t budge on the boundary. I am very firm and consistent about the boundaries so that they will eventually stop trying them.

4. We know screens can affect the brains of kids, but sometimes, I just have to put them in front of a screen so that I don’t lose my everlasting mind. I feel in many cases that the cost-benefit is worth it, because their mother becoming insane will likely be much more harmful than overdoing screentime. I usually start with a voice recording of me reading a book, or I play the audio of a cartoon on my phone with the screen turned off. If that doesn’t work, we watch 4k ocean footage, city tours, or slow paced live-action shows like Mr. Rogers. If that still doesn’t work–Paw Patrol on the TV on full blast until I feel regulated again. 🤷🏽‍♀️

5. For playdates, my husband and I intentionally befriend couples as a couple (rather than just me and other moms). That makes us interchangeable for playdates. In fact, at this very moment, I’m sitting in a Zoom class while he is with the kids at a birthday party. We try to attend events together which makes events easier, and when one of us is burned out, the other just goes alone.

At the end of the day, I still mess up a bunch, but I trust that my kids will be able to figure out life even with their imperfect childhoods, just like we all did. Ask for more help, and be compassionate with yourself!