Jenn

Both those situations sound so tough— sorry you’re going through that parents!! My toddler is only 2.5 so we’re just starting the journey. But something that has been helping us is reframing the goal— instead of the goal “pee and poo in the potty” our goal is to “keep our underwear clean and dry.” We do an “underwear check!” every 15 mins with big “wow good jobs!” when it’s clean. I also do underwear checks to my husband and give him a high five for keeping it clean (lol). My son likes that it’s not just attention on him but all of us doing it. Something else we do- if I think he needs to go and he’s refusing I tell him I need to pee and then we go together, me on the toilet him on his little potty. Then we high five for us both being clean and dry. We’re not fully trained yet, but we’re trying to keep the stress off. Sharing in case these are helpful for anyone. Good luck, parents! <3

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation! I heard something recently that I found really helpful in how to frame these types of issues- would you rather the problems that come with community or isolation? Either you have community (your in laws) that join in, but bring some problems with them. Or you isolate, and you deal with the problems that come with that. Just some food for thought 🙂

In regards to this specific situation, however, I wonder (1) how old your kids are (how long have you been feeling this way?) and (2) how does your partner feel? These are your partner’s parents. I believe they should be the one to take the lead in setting boundaries with their parents. But first you and your partner need to get on the same page. Do they also see this behavior as a problem? Are there areas they think is fine (like tv) but some that aren’t (like missing school)? Once you align on the boundaries you and your partner want to enforce, have a conversation with your in-laws. Make it clear how you feel and what is making you uncomfortable. If your MIL doesn’t agree and refuses to meet you in the middle, then it’s up to you to decide- will you keep sending your kid there solo and deal with the behavior you don’t condone? Or will you only see grandma while supervised so you can make sure it’s activities you approve of?

Of our grandparents, it’s my parents that cause the issues. So we don’t leave our kids alone with my parents. I get comments and frustration from them, but these are my kids. If they want to see their grandkids (which of course they do!), then they follow my rules (within reason- I also do my best to relax with them around because I want them to also be happy and have fun with my children!). My partner and I have discussed what behaviors and activities we’re comfortable with and which we aren’t. And we’ve communicated that clearly to my parents who now toe the tie (even if begrudgingly and with some passive aggressive comments to me… I can deal. I like them having a relationship with my kids).

I hope some of this is helpful- ultimately these are your children and you should be able to take time off without stress! If you can’t, see what you can do to make a change. Good luck!